Humor Selections for May 29th, 2009

     My Little Sister's Jokes > Recent Addition List

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A man was chosen for jury duty who very much wanted to be dismissed from serving.

He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked.

On the day of the trial he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin he asked if he could approach the bench.

"Your Honor," he said, "I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said, 'He's a crook! He's guilty, guilty, guilty.' So your Honor, I could not possibly stay on this jury!"

With a tired annoyance the judge replied, "Get back in the jury box. That man is his lawyer."

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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3 year old wisdom

The 3 year old pre-schooler brought a tiny, white feather in to the teacher. "That's a down feather," she explained. There's lots of those to keep the bird warm when it's cold, just like your pullover."

Another little one then asked, "What do you call the feathers birds fly with?"

"Um… I don't know," said the teacher.

As quick as a flash the first child said scornfully, "Up feathers, of course."

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia

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She was Soooooooo Blonde
  • She thought a quarterback was a refund.
  • She thought General Motors was in the army.
  • She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
  • She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
  • At the bottom of an application where it says 'Sign here:' she wrote 'Sagittarius.'
  • She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
  • She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
  • Under 'education' on her job application, she put 'Hooked On Phonics...'
  • She tripped over a cordless phone.
  • She told me to meet her at the corner of 'WALK' and 'DON'T WALK.'
  • She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
  • She studied for a blood test.
  • She sold the car for gas money.
  • When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
  • When she heard that 90% of all accidents occur around the home, she moved.
  • She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
  • She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
  • She had a shirt that said 'TGIF,' which she thought stood for 'This Goes In Front.'
  • She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.

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Funny Messages to Send via Twitter
  • The longest sentence known to man: "I do."
  • I only use deodorant under one arm, so I know what I would have smelled like.
  • Crime doesn’t pay… Does that mean my job is a crime?
  • Do you ever notice that when you’re driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
  • I’ve used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.
  • Any woman that thinks the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high.
  • What’s the quietest place in the world? The complaint department at the parachute packing plant.
  • I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain. No pain.
  • When a man talks dirty to a woman, it’s sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $4.95 a minute.
  • Never forget that you’re unique, just like everyone else.
  • I heard you took an IQ test and they said you’re results were negative.
  • What do u call dog with no legs? Don’t matter wot u call him, he ain’t gonna come.
  • I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
  • Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
  • If practice makes perfect, and nobody’s perfect, why practice?
  • Born Free… Taxed to Death.
  • We will now upgrade your brain, please wait… searching… searching… still searching… sorry NO BRAIN found.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Consumed by my loss, I didn't notice the hardness of the pew where I sat.

I was at the funeral of my dearest friend ­ my mother. She finally had lost her long battle with cancer. The hurt was so intense; I found it hard to breathe at times. Always supportive, Mother clapped loudest at my school plays, held the box of tissues while listening to my first heartbreak, comforted me at my father's death, encouraged me in College, and prayed for me my entire life.

When mother's illness was diagnosed, my sister had a new baby and my brother had recently married his childhood sweetheart, so it fell on me, the 27-year-old middle child without entanglements, to take care of her. I counted it an honor.

'What now, Lord?' I asked sitting in church.  My life stretched out before me as an empty abyss. My brother sat stoically with his face toward the cross while clutching his wife's hand. My sister sat slumped against her husband's shoulder, his arms around her as she cradled their child. All so deeply grieving, no one noticed I sat alone.

My place had been with our mother, preparing her meals, helping her walk, taking her to the doctor, seeing to her medication, reading the Bible together.  Now she was with the Lord...My work was finished, and I was alone. I heard a door open and slam shut at the back of the church. Quick footsteps hurried along the carpeted floor. An exasperated young man looked around briefly and then sat next to me. He folded his hands and placed them on his lap. His eyes were brimming with tears. He began to sniffle.

"I'm late," he explained, though no explanation was necessary.

After several eulogies, he leaned over and commented, "Why do they keep calling Mary by the name of Margaret?''

"Because, that was her name, Margaret. Never Mary, no one called her Mary,'" I whispered.

I wondered why this person couldn't have sat on the other side of the church. He interrupted my grieving with his tears and fidgeting. Who was this stranger anyway?

"Isn't this the Lutheran church?"

"No, the Lutheran church is across the street."


"I believe you're at the wrong funeral, Sir."

The solemness of the occasion mixed with the realization of the man's mistake bubbled up inside me and came out as laughter. I cupped my hands over my face, hoping it would be interpreted as sobs. The creaking pew gave me away. Sharp looks from other mourners only made the situation seem more hilarious. I peeked at the bewildered, misguided man seated beside me. He was laughing too, as he glanced around, deciding it was too late for an uneventful exit.  I imagined Mother laughing.

At the final 'Amen,' we darted out a door and into the parking lot. "I do believe we'll be the talk of the town," he smiled.

He said his name was Rick and, since he had missed his aunt's funeral, asked me out for a cup of coffee. That afternoon began a lifelong journey for me with this man who attended the wrong funeral, but was in the right place. A year after our meeting, we were married at a country church where he was the assistant pastor. This time we both arrived at the same church, right on time.

In my time of sorrow, God gave me laughter. In place of loneliness, God gave me love. This past June, we celebrated our twenty-second wedding anniversary. Whenever anyone asks us how we met, Rick tells them, 'Her mother and my Aunt Mary introduced us, and it's truly a match made in heaven.'

Submitted by Paul, Oklahoma City, OK

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The Perito Moreno Glacier Breaking Up - Download Video

This is an every-four-year event that has gone on for centuries.  This clip is of the spectacular South American glacier, The Perito Moreno Glacier, which breaks up every four years like clock work,  give or take a week.

There are photographers from the four corners of the earth that  come to southern Argentina and literally camp out at the glacier  site in order to get the actual breakup on film.

The individual who filmed this did a marvelous job. This is  something your children and grandchildren should surely see!

Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, Fl.

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Please god, now more Alpo cat food...


Submitted by Jim, Gettysburg, Pa.

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May 25th Humor Page