Humor Selections for March 9th, 2009

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Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage..

..., a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure that went by the name of 'Artie.'

Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor........

The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...

(You're going to hate me for this...)


Oh, quit groaning! I don't write this stuff, I receive it from my warped friends and then send it on to you

Submitted by Jim, Gettysburg, Pa.

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Intelligence Test

You have to work out what the letters mean.  It doesn't matter if you write the answers in uppercase or lowercase, but the answers must be exactly as expected (no additional intervals or dashes and the spelling must be correct).  There is no time limit for this test.

The answers are attached so no peeking.

Example - 24 H in a D = 24 Hours in a Day

  1. 26 L of the A
  2. 7 D of the W
  3. 7 W of the W
  4. 12 S of the Z
  5. 66 B of the B
  6. 54 C in a P (W J)
  7. 13 S in the U S F
  8. 18 H on a G C
  9. 39 B of the O T
  10. 5 T on a F
  11. 90 D in a R A
  12. 3 B M (S H T R)
  13. 32 is the T in D F at which W F
  14. 15 P in a R T
  15. 3 W on a T
  16. 100 P in a P
  17. 11 P in a F (S) T
  18. 12 M in a Y
  19. 13 is U F S
  20. 8 T on an O
  21. 29 D in F in a L Y
  22. 27 B in the N T
  23. 365 D in a Y
  24. 13 L in a B D
  25. 52 W in a Y
  26. 9 L of a C
  27. 60 M in an H
  28. 23 P of C in the H B
  29. 64 S on a C B
  30. 9 P in S A
  31. 6 B to an O in C
  32. 1000 Y in a M
  33. 15 M on a D M C
  34. 9 P in the SS
  35. 88 PK
  36. 200 P for PG in M
  37. 4 Q in a G
  38. 1 W on a U
  39. 57 HV
  40. 40 D and N of the GF

Click here for the answers

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, PA.

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The Oakland A’s added to their already elderly roster of players...

... by signing Omar Garciaparra and Orlando Cabrera. Then they added members to their pitching staff.

"We have just signed Tom Seaver and Don Sutton," said assistant to the assistant general manager Bob Elderlee. "We feel that this move to experience will help our two younger members of the pitching staff."

"It will also help our medicare supplemental insurance needs when we reach 65", said Sutton. "It’s hard to get reliable coverage outside of baseball."

Other ancient players are being added to the roster including Larry Doby and Satchel Paige who both have passed away some time ago.

"We wanted some experience from the hereafter, since most sportswriters have been writing that this years A’s do not have a prayer to get out of the cellar," said Elderlee.

"We hoped to get Ted Williams, but he’s still frozen in that cubicle and we couldn’t thaw him out until next year at the least. Maybe we could get Nellie Fox."

When told that Fox was probably cremated, Elderlee said that they’ll use him "sprinkled around second base for inspiration."

Submitted by Bruce, Cold Harbor, Ill.

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Makes good better - Download Video

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Submitted by Jay, Long Island, NY.

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March 6th Humor Page