Humor Selections for March 23rd, 2009

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The studies show that one in three Americans have hypertension...

... and that is a major increase from ten years ago when one in four had the disease. They claim that the reasons are that Americans are getting older and fatter and do not take care of themselves. I believe the real cause is that we know more about hypertension than we did in the past and can recognize it and control it, albeit by drugs. But some of us (me included) are using the drugs as well as weekly exercise to offset the effects. But there has to be more reasons for this surge in high blood pressure. Here may be some examples:

  1. You come home at night and find out that your seven-year-old has been left alone with the television on set to the "Whoopie" channel.
  2. Your new American-made automobile which now costs over $30,000 when you bought it three months ago is now scheduled for its fifth recall—it seems that the steering wheel may fall off at any moment.
  3. Your old "calm and peaceful" radio station which you used to use to fall asleep to has been replaced by the "Screeming Meemies Hard Metal Station" and you cannot find a replacement.
  4. Your wife enters the room and announced that her car has been in an accident. She missed her mark and smashed into your car while sitting in the garage.
  5. You log on to your computer website and in your bank website you discover that someone has hacked into your area, stolen your money and changed your password. You find out later that the hacker was your faithful gardener Manuel.
  6. Your teenaged daughter arrives in a leather outfit designed by Elvira and announces that the biker friend that she has been going out with for three months is no longer infected and they plan to get married in Morocco as soon as his divorce is finalized.
  7. You cannot find a worthy candidate that you can vote on for president. One started a war and is cuddly. The other one thinks that he looks like Lincoln, talks a lot but lost most of his brains in Vietnam. The third one is in it for the exercise. You are still looking for a replacement for Teddy Roosevelt.
  8. You go over to your mother's house for dinner and her favorite meatloaf. This time, she mentions that to save calories and be healthy, she has replaced the ground beef with Gardenburger. Even her ketchup is made out of soy.
  9. A peaceful drive in the country is interrupted two cars up in line with a jerk playing metallic rock with super speakers that are shaking the foundations of the houses surrounding him. You cannot even hear your wife talking. You pull up to the offender and find out that it's the local police chief in his cruiser.
  10. Your dog brought into the house a present for you---a live skunk.

Submitted by Bruce, Cold Harbor, Ill.

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A contest was held to find the most caring child...

The winners were:

A four-year-old child, whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman, who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his mother asked him what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy just said, 'Nothing, I just helped him cry.'

Teacher Debbie Moon's first graders were discussing a picture of a family. One little boy in the picture had a different hair color than the other members. One of her students suggested that he was adopted. A little girl said, 'I know all about adoption, I was adopted..'

'What does it mean to be adopted?', asked another child.

'It means', said the girl, 'that you grew in your mommy's heart instead of her tummy!'

On my way home one day, I stopped to watch a Little League base ball game that was being played in a park near my home. As I sat down behind the bench on the first- base line, I asked one of the boys what the score was 'We're behind 14 to nothing,' he answered with a smile.

'Really,' I said. 'I have to say you don't look very discouraged. '

'Discouraged? ', the boy asked with a puzzled look on his face...

'Why should we be discouraged? We haven't been up to bat yet.'

Whenever I'm disappointed with my spot in life, I stop and think about little Jamie Scott.

Jamie was trying out for a part in the school play. His mother told me that he'd set his heart on being in it, though she feared he would not be chosen.

On the day the parts were awarded, I went with her to collect him after school. Jamie rushed up to her, eyes shining with pride and excitement. 'Guess what, Mom,' he shouted, and then said those words that will remain a lesson to me....'I've been chosen to clap and cheer.'

An eye witness account from New York City , on a cold day in December, some years ago: A little boy, about 10-years-old, was standing before a shoe store on the roadway, barefooted, peering through the window, and shivering with cold.

A lady approached the young boy and said, 'My, but you're in such deep thought staring in that window!'

'I was asking God to give me a pair of shoes,' was the boy's reply.

The lady took him by the hand, went into the store, and asked the clerk to get half a dozen pairs of socks for the boy. She then asked if he could give her a basin of water and a towel He quickly brought them to her.

She took the little fellow to the back part of the store and, removing her gloves, knelt down, washed his little feet, and dried them with the towel.

By this time, the clerk had returned with the socks.. Placing a pair upon the boy's feet, she purchased him a pair of shoes..

She tied up the remaining pairs of socks and gave them to him.. She patted him on the head and said, 'No doubt, you will be more comfortable now.'

As she turned to go, the astonished kid caught her by the hand, and looking up into her face, with tears in his eyes, asked her.

'Are you God's wife?'

Submitted by Jim, Gettysburg, Pa.

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A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes.

He goes up to the guy's window and says "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."

"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."

"Well, then we need a urine sample."

"I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."

"Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm too drunk to do that."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Chef's Dictionary
  • Al Dente: Italian term for the desired stage in the preparation of pasta, when it is cooked yet still firm to the bite. Pasta that has been boiled too long is described, according to the degree to which it has been overcooked, as al gummo, al musho, at botcho, and al garbaggio.
  • Barbecue: Primitive summertime rite at which spirits are present, hunks of meat are sacrificed by being burnt on braziers by sauce- smeared men wearing odd hats and aprons with cabalistic slogans, and human flesh is offered to insects.
  • Basting: Process through which cooking juices in a roasting pan are carefully transferred -- with a basting siphon, ladle or spoon -- to the oven rack, the bottom of the oven, the inside of the oven door, the floor, the stove top, and the counter.
  • Chef: Any cook who swears in French.
  • Cookbook: A collection of recipes arranged in such a fashion that the cook must turn the page just after the point where a thick paste of flour, water, and lard is mixed by hand.
  • Diet: The specific types and quantities of food that any given individual will start eating tomorrow, next week, or after the beginning of the new year.
  • Food: Any plant or animal substance that provides nourishment. There are basically four broad categories of food: carbohydrates, fats, proteins, and individually wrapped chocolates with cherry centers.
  • Gadget: Any mechanical device that performs a kitchen task in one-twentieth the time it takes to find it.
  • Gelatin: A pain in the aspic.
  • Gourmet: Anyone who, when you fail to finish something strange or revolting, remarks that it's an acquired taste and that you're leaving the best part.
  • Health Food: Any food whose flavor is indistinguishable from that of the package in which it is sold.
  • Imported: Packed in a box, can, carton or bottle with a label containing lies in a foreign language.
  • Jams and Jellies: Sweet fruit confections served at breakfast with toast, muffins or other baked goods. Oddly enough, jams and jellies are considered diet foods, since the calories expended in opening the jars and packets in which they are sold greatly exceeds the number consumed in the course of eating their contents.
  • Kitchen Cabinet: Storage areas containing items that should have been put somewhere else.
  • Ladle: The only thing that is edible in a pot of leek soup.
  • Marinade: Any flavored liquid mixture in which a dish whose recipe you just looked up after deciding to serve it this evening should have been soaking in since at least last night.
  • Noodles: Honestly! Nobody, but nobody, calls them noodles anymore. Wash your mouth out with kir and see PASTA.
  • Oven Mitt: A partially charred grease stain that fits over the hand.
  • Picnic: Any meal eaten more than 100 yards from the nearest bathroom.
  • Recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy in utensils you don't own to make a dish the dog won't eat the rest of.
  • Sugar: One of a class of carbohydrates present in one form or another in all foods. Common sources of sugar and the types they contain are: fructose and glucose (fruit juice and honey); lactose (milk); sucrose (sugar cane or sugar beets); maltose (malt); and jocose, verbose, morose, lachrymose, bellicose, and comatose (alcohol).
  • Taste: 1. The ability to distinguish between, say, Tripes a la Mode de Caen and chocolate pudding. 2. The critical discernment necessary to choose the chocolate pudding.
  • Timer: Adjustable clock that rings or otherwise signals when a particular dish is overcooked.
  • Utensil: A spill, cut burn, or bungle with a handle on the end.
  • Vinaigrette: Basic French dressing that consists of too much oil added a bit too quickly to a mixture containing partially ground peppercorns from a malfunctioning mill, an excess of salt, all the juice that could be gotten out of an old lemon half, and dry mustard that fell out of the can in a big lump.
  • Whisk: One of a number of exercise devices used by sedentary cooks to develop muscles and improve body tone. Other items of workout equipment found in kitchens include the egg beater (strengthens pectorals), the cheese grater (enlarges triceps), and the salad spinner (firms up deltoids).
  • Yogurt: Semisolid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid.
  • Zinfandel: Red wine produced in very large volume in California and available by the liter or gallon in both premium and unleaded varieties. The best recent vintage is the 11:35 a.m., though some people swear by the 9:58.

Submitted by Audrey, Emmitsburg, Md.

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Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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