Humor Selections for March 20th, 2009

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A researcher arrives in Borneo to gather data for his thesis.

Accompanied by his trusty guide, he seeks out a very remote locale for researching the mating behaviour of the giant rat of Sumatra.

Around dusk of the first day, he's sitting by the campfire with his guide when in the distance, he hears tribal drums. They get louder. The guide announces, "I don't like the sound of those drums."

The dusk turns evening. The drums get louder. The guide says, "I really don't like the sound of those drums."

Evening turns to dead of night. The drums get louder and louder, until it is obvious that the drummers must be quite close. The guide says again, "I really don't like the sound of those drums."

Suddenly the drums stop, and a voice from the darkness cries out, "Hey man, he's not our regular drummer!"

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, MD.

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A nun was sitting at the airport waiting for her flight to Chicago.

She looked over & saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune.

Deciding to give it a try, she went to the machine, stepped on the scale and put her nickel in

Out came a card saying, "You are a nun, you weigh 128 Lbs and you're going to Chicago".

The nun sat back down & told herself the machine probably gives the same reading to Everyone.

The more she thought about it, the more curious she was, so she decided to try it again.

She went back to the machine and put another nickel in. Out came a card, "You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you are going to Chicago and you're going to play a fiddle.

The nun said to herself, I know this is wrong. I've never played a musical instrument In my life. She went back to her seat.

Then, a cowboy came and sat down, putting his fiddle on the seat between them.

Without thinking, she opened the case, took out the fiddle and started playing. Surprised at what she'd done, she looked at the machine and decided to try again.

She went back and put in another nickel. The card said "You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you are going to Chicago & you're going to break wind."

Now, she knew the machine was wrong. She'd never broken wind in public in her life. But getting off the scale, she slipped and straining to keep from falling, she broke wind.

Stunned, she sat down and looked at the machine, thinking I have to try this again. She went back to the machine and dropped in another nickel.

Another Card came out. It read, "You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you've fiddled & farted around & missed your flight to Chicago.

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, PA.

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Trivia Part 9
  • Some ribbon worms will eat themselves if they can't find any food.
  • All 17 children of Queen Anne died before she did.
  • Almost a quarter of the land area of Los Angeles is taken up by automobiles.
  • The African lungfish can live out of water for up to four years.
  • In 1935, Jesse Owens set six track and field world records in less than one hour.
  • Band-Aid bandages first appeared on the market in 1921, however, the little red string that is used to open the package did not get added until 1940.
  • Gene Cernan was the last man on the moon.
  • Every major league baseball team in the U.S. buys about eighteen thousand baseballs each season.
  • Leonardo da Vinci spent twelve years painting the Mona Lisa's lips.
  • When glass breaks, the cracks move at speeds of up to 3,000 miles per hour.
  • Today’s average household in the USA contains more computer power than existed in the world before 1965.
  • The average desktop computer contains 5-10 times more computing power than was used to land a man on the moon.
  • The Academy Award statue is named after a librarian's uncle. One day Margaret Herrick, librarian for the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, remarked that the statue looked like her Uncle Oscar--the name stuck.
  • Anise is the scent on the artificial rabbit that is used in greyhound races.
  • Most cows give more milk when they listen to music.
  • The onion is actually a lily.
  • Roses cut in the afternoon last longer than ones cut in the morning.
  • The moon is one million times drier than the Gobi Desert.
  • The embryos of tiger sharks fight each other while in their mother's womb, the survivor being the baby shark that is born.
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals.

So he went to every house in his town. To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given.  He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening. "Who's the boss around here?" he asked.

"I am." said the man.

"I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said, "which one would you like?"

The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one."

"No, no, no, get the brown one." the man's wife said.

"Here's your chicken." said the farmer.

Submitted by Audrey, Emmitsburg, Md.

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Glaswegian Tyre Removal  - Download Video

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Driveline Vibration Issue - Possible Root Cause,

A woman ran over a mattress and decided to keep going anyway. The mattress got caught in the car's under belly and finally whipped around enough to put a tear in the gas tank. Leaking gas She still managed to drive the car for 30 more miles decently, with a 60lb tangle wrapped around the driveshaft. The subsequent lack of fuel is what finally brought her vehicle to its knees. After having her car towed to her dealer's garage, She complained that the vehicle had a "shimmy" when driving it at high speeds.

This is what the dealership found..............



Yep, she was a blonde!

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia

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March 18th Humor Page