Humor Selections for June 29th, 2009

     My Little Sister's Jokes > Recent Addition List

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A ninety-five year old woman at the nursing home...

... received a visit from one of her fellow church members. "How are you feeling?" the visitor asked.

"Oh," said the lady, "I'm just worried sick!"

"What are you worried about, dear?" her friend asked. "You look like you're in good health. They are taking care of you, aren't they?"

"Yes, they are taking very good care of me."

"Are you in any pain?" she asked.

"No, I have never had a pain in my life."

"Well, what are you worried about?" her friend asked again.

The lady leaned back in her rocking chair and slowly explained her major worry. "Every close friend I ever had has already died and gone on to heaven. I'm afraid they're all wondering where I went."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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One-liners to make you smile
  • I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
  • Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
  • I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
  • Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
  • You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
  • Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. 8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
  • I'm not a complete idiot - - Some parts are just missing
  • Out of my mind. Back in five minutes
  • NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
  • God must love stupid people; He made so many.
  • Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
  • Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
  • Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
  • Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
  • Procrastinate Now!
  • I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
  • A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
  • A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
  • Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
  • They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
  • He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
  • A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
  • Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
  • The trouble with life is there's no background music.
  • The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
  • I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
Submitted by Vicki, Downingtown, Pa.

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A Few More Summer Courses for Women

Class 14—Going It Alone---Class will be taught how to be able to go in to a public bathroom without an escort or friend. Three Weeks, meets in bathroom lobby for one hour each.

Class 15—Slotted or Phillips---Class will be taught the difference between the several types of screwdrivers just by looking at the screw itself. Four weeks, meets for one hour each at hardware store

Class 16—Accentuate your Memory---Class members will learn the names of all of their children, and be able to say the correct name when the child is doing something naughty.

Two weeks, meets for two hours each at Baskin Robbins.

Class 17—Restaurant Tipping Course---Members will lean the proper use of a calculator to figure out and divide the guest check, and to determine the correct tip to the waitress. Two Weeks, three hours each plus free calculator (because all of them have misplaced theirs’)—at local Hardees.

Class 18---The Recycling Bin—Teaches class which garbage items can be recycled and which cannot. Eight week course, five hours each week complete with garbologist (garbage scientist).

Class 19---Picking Up the back yard---Teaches the technique of collecting all kinds of dog crap, where to put it, and how to quickly do it before husband gets the mower and runs over it anyway. One hour for five weeks at the fertilizer store.

Class 20---Telling The Cat Who Is Boss—Teaches the wife how to coexist with her husband’s cat. Six hours course, one day. Need to bring the cat in a cage. Bandages and first aid included.

Class 21---Handling the bank drive-up ­Teaches the fastest way to put money into the drive up, getting it back, rearranging purse so keys, lipstick, drivers license and other items can quickly be put away before proceeding without delaying the twenty people in line behind you.---Ten week course. Special purse provided, 3 hours per class.

Submitted by Bruce, Cold Harbor, Ill.

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A drunk walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink...

..., pour yourself one, and give me the bill."

So, the bartender does just that, and hands the man the bill. The drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street.

The very next day, the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." The bartender figures that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt. He pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself, and hands the drunk the bill.

Again, the drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, and then throws him out into the street.

The next day, the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says, "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink and give me the bill."

In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?" The drunk replies, "Nope! You get too violent when you drink."

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.

He replied, "She called Four Horse".

The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife. What does it mean?" The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian Name. It mean,

"Nag, Nag, Nag, Nag!"

Submitted by Franklin, Placerville, California

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If your going to fake your driver's license...

... don't include your girlfriend in the photo


Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.

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June 26th Humor Page