Humor Selections for June 15th, 2009

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You know you're from New Jersey if ...
  • You watched "Mallrats" and said "I've been to that mall!"
  • At least half the people you knew in high school went to Rutgers.
  • Your big class trip in elementary school was to Morristown.
  • You long for the days when the Devils wore Christmas colors.
  • You know that the only people that call it "Joisey" are from New York.
  • You've planned a local trip around ensuring you pass at least one Dunkin' Donuts.
  • You don't think of citrus when people mention "The Oranges"
  • You know that it's called "Great Adventure"... not "Six Flags", dammit.
  • You've ordered a "hard roll with butter" for breakfast.
  • You've eaten at a diner, drunk off your ass, at 3am at least a dozen times.
  • At least three people in your family still love Bruce Springsteen.
  • You always use a minimum of 10 variations of the word "damn" while driving.
  • You don't have to go to Red Lobster to get fresh seafood.
  • You once said, "It smells like New York in here,"
  • In high school, you worked at a Friendly's.
  • The Garden State Parkway doesn't freak you out at night.
  • You know what a "jug handle" is.
  • You have mandatory recycling. Enforced by law.
  • You've eaten a pork roll and cheese on a hard roll...and like it.
  • You've pondered, "Maybe basketball would be more popular in NJ if the Nets didn't blow,"
  • You say "water" weird. (Wadder, Cawfee, Dowg, wadever)
  • Even your school made good Italian subs.
  • You've lived through hurricanes, nor'easters and fires, but have never seen a tornado or earthquake.
  • You can't believe MTV went to Seaside Heights.
  • You know that ACME is an actual store, not just a Warner Bros. creation.
  • You only go to New York City for day trips.
  • You've run out of money on the Parkway.
  • You know where to get the best bagel.
  • You think the Olive Garden is crap and should have never opened any restaurants in New Jersey.
  • There are no self serve gas stations and you like it that freakin' way.
  • You've had sex on the beach, and I'm not talking about the beverage.
  • You know how to successfully handle a traffic circle.
  • The Jets/Giants game has started fights at your school and/or local bar.
  • Your car is covered with yellow-green dust in April and May.
  • You can't understand why there aren't more 24-hr diners elsewhere in the county.
  • You live within 5 minutes of at least three different malls.
  • You've seen or been in a fight between a Rangers fan and a Devils fan.
  • You have or know someone with mafia connections too.
  • You're related to someone who thinks the New York Jets should be called the New Jersey Jets
  • You've been to a party in the woods.
  • You've purchased fireworks in Chinatown.
  • You know where to get a freshly cooked Taylor Ham, Egg and Cheese sandwich at 2 a.m.
  • You don't take shit from no one either.
  • You remember Action Park and may have been seriously injured there.
  • At some time you got on the wrong highway trying to get out of Willowbrook mall.
  • Z-100 used to be your favorite radio station.
  • Anything less than three inches of snow ain't shit.
  • You think people from South Jersey talk funny.
  • You're radioactive and proud of it.
Submitted by Patty, Essex, NJ

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Murphy's Laws of Computing
  • When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
  • When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
  • The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
  • When the going gets tough, upgrade.
  • For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
  • He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
  • A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
  • The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
  • A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.
Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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Some signs warning you that your television show is going off the air:
  • The usual main star of the show is now called "a special guest-star".
  • There are more commercials for drugs and medications than there is show content.
  • The sponsors have left the show--all there is left are public service rowboat safety spots.
  • You suddenly realize that the episode this week was the same as the one last week.
  • You start seeing old reruns of "Roller Derby Babes" in the place of the crime/doctor drama you wanted.
  • This week, it is on Tuesday. Next week it is on Thursday. Then the next week it is on Monday and Thursday.
  • Suddenly it is put on against reruns of "My Mother, The Car".
  • You realize that the blooper show you were watching was an actual episode of your show.
  • It was decided that dead airspace was better than running new episodes of your show.
  • Your show was being sponsored by Enron, Trac Auto and Worldcom.

Submitted by Bruce, Cold Harbor, Ill

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There were two high school sweethearts who dated chastely...

... for all four years of high school. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast while the guy went to the west coast.

They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together. As time went on, the guy would call the girl but she was never home and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return any letters. Even when he e-mailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around. It was evident that she had become very loose and trampy but he still saw the good in her and wanted to win her back. But she became annoyed. Since she now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back. So what she did was this:

She took a photo of herself in an unmentionable position with her new boyfriend and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone." Well needless to say, this guy was heartbroken, but even more so, he was very upset. So what he did next was awesome:

He wrote on the back of the photo the following: "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and then mailed the picture to her parents.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Four amazing geographical holes!

Kimberley Big Hole - South Africa - Apparently the largest ever hand-dug excavation in the world, this 1097-meter-deep mine yielded over three tons of diamonds before being closed.

Glory Hole - Monticello Dam, California - This is the Glory Hole at Monticello Dam, and it's the largest in the world of this type of spillway, its size enabling it to consume 14,400 cubic feet of water every second. A glory hole is used when a dam is at full capacity and water needs to be drained from the reservoir.

Great Blue Hole - This incredible geographical phenomenon known as a Blue hole is situated 60 miles off the mainland of Belize. There are numerous blue holes around the world but none as stunning as this one.

Sinkhole in Guatemala - This photo is of a sinkhole that occurred February 2007 in Guatemala. It swallowed two dozen homes and killed at least three people.

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, PA.

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June 12th Humor Page