Humor Selections for June 1st, 2009


     My Little Sister's Jokes > Recent Addition List

New jokes posted on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.
Happily maintained  by the Community of Emmitsburg, MD.

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E-mail us at: humor@emmitsburg.net


 
A traffic cop on patrol one night, watching a 35mph zone on the edge of town...

..., suddenly saw a car come blazing by his hideout. Quickly grabbing at his radar gun, he clocked the fast moving vehicle at 87mph!

The officer took off after the speeder and soon had the car pulled over on the side of the road. Expecting trouble with such a reckless driver, the patrolman approached cautiously.

To his surprise the driver of the offending vehicle was a little old lady, barely tall enough to see over the steering wheel.

"Maíam," the officer began. "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"I was just getting her up around 90, I believe, officer," the old lady answered calmly, peering up at him through her bifocals. "Why, what seems to be the problem?"

Shocked, the officer returned her comment, "What seems to be the problem? Why, this is a 35mph zone! Thatís the problem. Didnít you see the sign?"

"Oh sure," the old lady returned, "Thatís why Iím driving so fast. Iím just trying to follow itís instruction."

Dumbfounded, the officer was momentarily speechless.

"Just what sign are you talking about, Maíam?" he asked, when he finally recovered.

Smiling up at the officer, the old lady placed a gentle hand on his wrist

and said, "Why, the one that said ĎSpeed Zone Aheadí, of course!"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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A couple college kids, Stan and Ryan...

... are riding to school on a Chicago subway train when a homeless man approaches and begs for spare change. Stan adamantly rejects the man in disgust while Ryan, on the other hand, pulls out his wallet and gives the man two dollars and wishes him the best.

The homeless man thanks Ryan kindly and then continues on to the other passengers. Stan is outraged by his friend's act of generosity. ?What the heck did you do that?? shouts Stan. "You know he's probably only gonna use it for drugs or booze!"

Ryan replies, "And we weren't"

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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Dieting Rules
  • If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
  • If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.
  • When you eat with someone else, calories donít count if you donít eat more than they do.
  • Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER counts, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
  • If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
  • Movie-related foods (Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of oneís personal fuel.
  • Cookie pieces contain no calories ≠ the process of breaking causes calorie leakage.
  • Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.
  • Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate. NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.
  • Anything consumed while standing over the kitchen sink, has no calories.
Submitted by Barb, Lancaster, Pa.
 

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Bumper Snickers
  • I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.
  • I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldnít listen.
  • Protected by .357 Magnum 3 days a week. You guess which 3
  • Those who live by the sword get shot by those who donít.
  • Fight crime Ė Shoot back
  • Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.
  • Clear the Road I AM SIXTEEN
  • He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
  • I got this motor home for my wife. Best deal I ever made
  • Hang up and drive.
  • If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me OverÖ [Seen Upside Down, On A Jeep]
  • If You Can Read This, Iíve Lost My Trailer.
  • Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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Thoughts On Cat Baths

   []
  'But you said you loved me!'

 
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  'You will pay, as God is my witness, you will pay.'

 
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  'I don't think I like you anymore.'

 
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'You lied!!!!!!'

 
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  'E.T. Phone home......quick!'

 
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  'No, I'm not your Good Little Kitty anymore.'

 
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  'Traction...I'm losing traction!'

 
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  'I want my Mommmmmmyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!'

 
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  'No, no, no, no.....NOOOO!!!!'

Even if you're not a 'cat person' these pictures are priceless!!

Submitted by Audrey, Emmitsburg, Md.
 

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May 29th Humor Page