Humor Selections for July 6th, 2009


     My Little Sister's Jokes > Recent Addition List

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Happily maintained  by the Community of Emmitsburg, MD.

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E-mail us at: humor@emmitsburg.net


 
A US tourists in the Israel, Morris and his wife were sitting outside a souvenir shop..

... waiting for fellow tourists.  An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts. After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from.

"America," Morris replied.

Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded. "She's not from the States."

"Yes I am." said the wife.

He looked at her and asked. "Is he your husband?"

"Yes." she replied.

Turning to the husband, he said, "I'll give you 100 camels for her."

Morris looked stunned, and there was a long silence. Finally he replied, "She's not for sale."

After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked "Morris what took you so long to answer?

Morris replied, "I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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"Sir, I understand you admit to having broken into the dress shop four times," the judge said.

"Yes, Your Honor," the suspect replied.

"What did you steal?" the judge asked.

"I stole a dress, Your Honor," replied the suspect.

"One dress?" the judge bellowed. "But you have admitted to breaking in four times!"

"Yes, Your Honor," sighed the suspect, "but the first three times my wife didn't like the color!"

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, MD.
 

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Murphy's Law of Children
  • The later you stay up, the earlier your child will wake up the next morning.
  • For a child to become clean, something else must become dirty.
  • Toys multiply to fill any space available.
  • The longer it takes you to make a meal, the less your child will like it.
  • Yours is always the only child who doesn't behave.
  • If the shoe fits - it's expensive.
  • The surest way to get something done is to tell a child not to do it.
  • The gooier the food, the more likely it is to end up on the carpet.
  • Backing the car out of the driveway causes your child to have to go to the bathroom.
  • The more challenging the child, the more rewarding it is to be a parent - sometimes.
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally Cut off all 10 of his fingers.

He went to the emergency room in Cork's hospital.  The doctor looked at Paddy and said, 'Lets be avin' da fingers and Oi'll

See what oi can do'.

Paddy said, 'Oi haven't got da fingers.'

'Whadda ya mean you haven't got da fingers?

Lord Tunderin' Jesus, it's 2009! We've got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques.

I could have put dem back on and made you like new! Why didn't ya bring da fingers?!?'

And Paddy said, ' How da fock was I 'sposed to pick them up !!!

Submitted by Cathy, Storrington, West Sussex, England
 

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One day a man saw a old lady, stranded on the side of the road...

... but even in the dim light of day, he could see she needed help. So he pull ed up in front of her Mercedes and got out. His Pinto was still sputtering when he approached her.

Even with the smile on his face, she was worried . No one had stopped to help for the last hour or so. Was he going to hurt her? He didn't look safe; he looked poor and hungry.

He could see that she was frightened , standing out there in the cold. He knew how she felt. It was that chill which only fear can put in you.

He said, 'I'm here to help you, ma'am. Why don't you wait in the car where it's warm? By the way, my name is Bryan Anderson.'

Well, all she had was a flat tire,

But for an old lady, that was bad enough. Bryan crawled under the car looking for a place to put the jack, skinning his knuckles a time or two. Soon he was able to change the tire. But he had to get dirty and his hands hurt.

As he was tightening up the lug nuts, she rolled down the window and began to talk to him. She told him that she was from St. Louis and was only just passing through. She couldn't thank him enough for coming to her aid.

Bryan just smiled as he closed her trunk. The lady asked how much she owed him. Any amount would have been all right with her She already imagined all the awful things that could have happened had he not stopped .

Bryan never thought twice about being paid.

This was not a job to him. This was helping someone in need , and God knows there were plenty, who had given him a hand in the past. He had lived his whole life that way, and it never occurred to him to act any other way.

He told her that if she really wanted to pay him back, the next time she saw someone who needed help, she could give that person the assistance they needed , and Bryan added , 'And think of me..'

He waited until she started her car and drove off. It had been a cold and depressing day, but he felt good as he headed for home, Disappearing into the twilight.

A few miles down the road the lady saw a small cafe. She went in to grab a bite to eat, and take the chill off before she made the last leg of her trip home. It was a dingy looking restaurant. Outside were two old gas pumps. The whole scene was unfamiliar to her. The waitress came over and brought a clean towel to wipe her wet hair. She had a sweet smile, one that even being on her Feet for the whole day couldn't erase.. The lady noticed the waitress was nearly eight months pregnant, but she never let the strain and aches change her attitude. The old lady wondered how someone who had so little could be so giving to a stranger. Then she remember ed Bryan .

After the lady finished her meal, she paid with a hundred dollar bill. The waitress quickly went to get change for her hundred dollar bill, but the old lady had slipped right out the door... She was gone by the time the waitress came back. The waitress wondered where the lady could be. Then she noticed something written on the napkin.

There were tears in her eyes when she read what the lady wrote: 'You don't owe me anything. I have been there too. Somebody once helped me out, the way I'm helping you. If you really want to pay me back, here is what you do: Do not let this chain of love end with you.'

Under the napkin were four more $100 bills.

Well, there were tables to clear, sugar bowls to fill, and people to serve, but the waitress made it through another day. That night when she got home from work and climbed into bed , she was thinking about the money and what the lady had written. How could the lady have known how much she and her husband needed it? With the baby due next month, it was going to be hard....

She knew how worried her husband was, and as he lay sleeping next to her, she gave him a soft kiss and whispered soft and low, 'Everything's going to be all right. I love you, Bryan Anderson.'

There is an old saying.......'What goes around comes around.' Today I sent you this story, and I'm asking you to pass it on. Let this light shine.

Don't delete it, don't return it. Simply, pass this on to a friend

Good friends are like stars....You don't always see them, but you know they are always there.

WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND
  

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