Humor Selections for July 31st, 2009

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Equine Economic Recovery Stimulus Ideas

Dear Mr. President:

Mr. President, it has come to my attention that youíre having some challenges with the economy. If I understand things correctly, weíre in a recession, consumer confidence and spending is down, credit is tight, investors are spooked, we need renewable energy, and health care costs are through the roof. Trillions of dollars, not to mention our future, are at stake. Mr. President, Iím just a regular citizen, but I think I have a solution.

Give every American a horse.

My proposal may not make sense to you at first, but let me give you a little background. First of all, horses in the U.S. are a multi-billion dollar industry, and thatís just at my house. I suggest you have your economic advisors do a little research on the spending around horse ownership. Youíd be surprised, Mr. President.

Start by visiting the tack and clothing retailers like State Line or Dover. Look at the variety of goods available there. Now take into account that every horse owner, especially if itís a woman, is buying not just one or two, but tons of these items. Believe me.

So my thinking is that if you give every American a horse, starting when they reach the horse-receptive age of 10, youíre going to do two things: boost consumer confidence and boost spending. Immediately. Horses make us feel good, and once Americans all own horses (at the governmentís expense, of course), they will all logically fall into the pattern that every horse owner succumbs to: accessorizing. For starters, we need horse-care implements like buckets and muck rakes, hoof picks and curry combs. And we need at least basic tack, halter, leadline, saddle, saddle pad, bridle and bit. But then the fun begins.

Zebra print leg wraps. Neon bright fly masks. An assortment of sheets and blankets for all seasons; youíve got your cooler, your lightweight blanket, your medium blanket, your heavy blanket. Then thereís your stable sheet and your pasture sheet. Also your hoodie, and tail wrap items.

And thatís just the clothing for the horse. Donít get me started on the clothing for the rider, even if he or she doesnít show. Since most Americans donít have a basic riding wardrobe, the stores would be swamped for jeans, boots, breeches, t-shirts, dozens of pairs of cute boot socks, helmets, and SO MUCH MORE!! Tell the retailers to get ready. Itíll be Christmas all year long!

Now letís talk about support industries. In addition to the usual veterinarian and farrier expenditures, people also give their horses chiropractic, massage and acupuncture, not to mention buying more beauty products for their horses than they do for themselves. All those professions and industries will benefit. And of course there will be a big spike in hay and grain demand, so the farmers will be happy too.

You see, thatís the secret to jump-starting consumer spending through my stimulus package. People will spend money on their horses when they wonít spend money on anything else.

But, your advisors might say, thereís a catch. Arenít we paying the price, in global warming, of the large number of livestock animals we currently have? They produce all that methane!

Ah, Mr. President, hereís the real beauty of this idea. When you introduce the Methane-Assisted Natural Unrefined Renewable Energy plan (M.A.N.U.R.E.), youíll be a hero for coming up with an alternative, renewable, home-grown source of clean energy. Just challenge the energy gurus to come up with a methane gas collection system that can harness all the "natural resource" produced by all those horses to power our cities. Talk about shovel ready-projects: M.A.N.U.R.E. fits the bill!

And you keep stressing how we need new industries for investment; well, under the M.A.N.U.R.E. plan you can sell Petroleum Offset Opportunity units to investors. By buying these units, investors can help us gradually convert from a petroleum-based economy to one based on horse P.O.O.

Health care costs will go down, too, as everyone cares for their horses. You can give tax credits based on the amount of time people spend working, riding and hanging out with their horses, which will automatically make them healthier. (Donít tell the docs, but most horse owners already get their own basic healthcare from their vet.)

One more thing: everyone is annoyed by these corporate CEOs and their big bonuses in a down economy. So give the executives, say, one horse for every $100,000 of bonus money theyíve received. Those bonuses will be plowed back into the economy in no time.

Finally, because you, Mrs. O, and the girls are such role models, you can encourage us all by getting a pony for Sasha and Malia. It will teach them responsibility, help the First Lady plow the garden, and as a bonus: free fertilizer for the Rose Garden.

If you donít believe me that horse ownership stimulates spending, go ahead, Mr. President. Buy that pony for your girls. Youíll see.

Submitted by Julie, Middleburg, Va.

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As a bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service...

... for a homeless man who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost. Being a typical man, I did not stop for directions, and finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew was eating their lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.

I apologized to the workers for my tardiness and stepped to the side of the open grave where I saw the vault lid already in place.

I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do. Still eating their lunch, the workers gathered around the grave. I played with all my heart and soul.

As I played, the workers began to weep. I played and I played like I'd never played before. I played everything from "Going Home," "The Lord is My Shepherd," to "Flowers of the Forest." I closed the lengthy session with "Amazing Grace" and walked to my car.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "Sweet Jeezuz, Mary'n Joseph, I never seen notin' like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

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You know you've been spending too much time on-line if...
  • You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
  • You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
  • You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.
  • You start using smileys in your snail mail.
  • You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word
  • You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
  • You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
  • You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
  • You don't know what gender three of your closest friends are because they have neutral screen names and you never bothered to ask.
  • You tell the cab driver you live at
  • You start tilting your head sideways to smile :)

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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NASCAR Rule Changes Shocks Drivers

In a stunning move that surely is going to change the way that NASCAR races are run were announced by President Mike Helton yesterday, shocking drivers and fans alike.

"We are committed to safety, for our drivers and our fans, and we are announcing rule changes that should improve safety at all of our tracks," said Helton. They are:

  • All drivers must now signal their intent to pass either by hand signals or by using new turn signal indicators that will be mounted on each car.
  • Any fist fights during or after the race will be punished to the fullest extent of the law.
  • Spotters will be required to just look at the drivers during the race with their binoculars, not female (or male) spectators.
  • Carl Edwards will still be permitted to do back-flips after he wins a race, but will be required to be assisted by handlers and use a safety harness.
  • Any wreck will be investigated by track police, and citations will be given out according to local laws.
  • Intoxicating beverages will be banned from the infield areas including any sponsor that promotes them such as Budweiser, Miller and Crown Royale. Drivers of those cars involved will have to use alternate sponsors for their cars.
  • After a victory, the winning car cannot Ďburn rubberí due to EPA regulations or drive back around the track in reverse against traffic, climb the fence in front of the grandstands, or pretend to play an electric guitar during rainstorms.
  • Every fan attending a race must be given earplugs, suntan lotion, and be inoculated for all infectious diseases.
  • All invocations before the race must be given by a protestant minister, a Catholic priest, a Buddhist monk, and clergy from Bahaíi, Islam, and an L. Ron Hubbard look-a-like. (A Unitarian minister can attend but needs to certify what he really believes in before the invocation. Irish clergy can attend, but should be sedated.)
  • Every single male must have a permission slip to attend the race from either their wife or mommy.

Submitted by Bruce, Cold Harbor, Ill.

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Amish Porn - Download Video

Submitted by bob, Rockville, Md.

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Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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July 29th Humor Page