Humor Selections for Jan 7th, 2009

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Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog...

..., slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential down pour. The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 20 yrs replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that crap?'

I still don't know to this day if she was joking... but I have stopped fishing.

Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, Fl.

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Rodney Dangerfield on life...
  • I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said Thyroid problem?'
  • When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
  • I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
  • I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.
  • A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
  • I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'
  • If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
  • You know that look women get when they want $ex? No, me neither.
  • Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.
  • I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
  • And now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before

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Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the Governor's Mansion... Springfield, Illinois; One from Chicago, another from Tennessee, & a third from Kentucky. They all go with to examine the fence. The Tennessee contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well", he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Kentucky contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, 'I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.'

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to and whispers, '$2,700.'

The Governor is incredulous and whispers back, 'You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?'

The Chicago contractor whispers back, '$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire that guy from Kentucky to fix the fence.'

'Done!' replies . And that my friends, is how it all works in Illinois politics!!!

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver looked at the child and blurted out...

"That`s the ugliest baby I've ever seen!"

Infuriated, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said, "Why, he shouldn't say things to insult passengers. He could be fired for that."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind!"

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

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Your Firm May Be a Little Old Fashioned if….
  • Everyone is excited about purchasing a used fax machine.
  • Operators still have a patch-cord switchboard and they take messages by hand using "While You Were Out" pads.
  • Everyone in accounting uses 10-key adding machines.
  • The free cafeteria serves Coca-Cola in antique 6-1/2 ounce bottles.
  • Quotations are only mailed to customers.
  • The have pension plans, full health insurance benefits, and profit sharing that is 100% vested to every employee
  • The firm has a nice Christmas party and summer company picnic every year, all expenses paid.
  • The salaries are paid weekly in cash in bright blue envelopes.
  • The CEO is so nice, everyone calls him affectionately "The Old Man".
  • Everyone passes the hat for weddings, funerals, births, and Bar Mitzvahs.
  • Your pension check is paid yearly with increases matching company profits.
  • Nobody in the executive office would ever think about doing something illegal, especially to his or her worthy competitors.
  • There is no voice mail or automated attendants, and everyone comes in at 8 a.m. and goes home at 4 p.m.
  • All of your letters are stored in handy filing cabinets that are found in the 13th floor.
  • All of the bosses in the office are men. All of the women are secretaries.

Submitted by Bruce, Cold Harbor, Ill.

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Letterman on how George W. Bush did ... Download Video

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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George Bush's Inbox ...


Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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Jan 5th Humor Page