Humor Selections for Jan 28th, 2009

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New jokes posted on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.
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Jeff Gordon fires his entire pit crew...

This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of the Government's scheme to employ needy Harlem youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of dollars worth of high tech equipment!

It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team, as most races are won or lost in the pits. However-Gordon got more than he bargained for!

At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered the VIN number, and sold the car to Dale Jr. for 10 cases of Budweiser, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower!

Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, Fl.

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How To Tell That Your Daily Newspaper Is In Trouble
  • The news doesn’t start until the third page. Ads come first.
  • The editorial page is printed in Sanskrit.
  • The cooking editor tries to do recipes of McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
  • Some wise guy in the HR department fired all of the sportswriters. The football game was covered by the women’s editor in a nice frilly skirt with sequins and tassles.
  • The theater critic couldn’t find her seat and then got locked in the bathroom for the second act. She found it the next day still attached to the chair.
  • Some wise guy set all of the type of the Sunday edition backwards. Inventive news hawks sold mirrors with every copy.
  • The dates for the horoscopes were switched. One thousand Aquarians in January tried to have fun in the city swimming pool.
  • Somebody misnumbered the pages and page thirteen was missing which had the lottery results. The switchboard was jammed for six hours. Nobody won that day.
  • Somebody spelled the President’s name, Barrack O’Bama in honor of St. Patrick’s day.
  • The food chef column printed the recipe incorrectly printing "hamster" instead of "ham steak". Hospitals across the city were jammed with sick dining readers for two days.
Submitted by Bruce, Cold Harbor, Ill.

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Thoughts On Aging

  • The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.
  • You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.
  • You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.
  • The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.
  • Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.
  • It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
  • You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.
  • Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.
  • When you lean over to pick something up off the floor, you ask yourself if there is anything else you need to do while you are down there.
  • You find yourself in the middle of the stairway, and you can't remember if you were downstairs going up or upstairs going down.
Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours.

The blacksmith immediately began his instructions to the lad, "When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer."

The apprentice did just as he told. Now he's the village blacksmith.

Submitted by Audrey, Emmitsburg, MD.

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The Most Important Discoveries

Man discovered weapons, invented hunting.
Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.

Man discovered colors, invented painting.
Woman discovered painting, invented make-up.

Man discovered speech, invented conversation.
Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.

Man discovered agriculture, invented food.
Woman discovered food, invented diet.

Man discovered friendship, invented love.
Woman discovered love, invented marriage.

Man discovered trade, invented money.
Woman discovered money, man has never recovered.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Winter sucks ... Download Video

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa

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Do Dogs go to Heaven? Hysterical!

Absolutely unreal that this actually happened! These two churches face each other across a busy street.

Also submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, Fl.

FYI ... As it turns out, these photos were faked, but their still funny, so we keep them!

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Jan 26th Humor Page