Humor Selections for Jan 19th, 2009

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One winter morning a husband and his blond wife...

... were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."

So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."

The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

Submitted by Jim, Gettysburg, Pa.

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Tools Explained:
  • DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
  • WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh -- '
  • SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
  • PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
  • BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert Minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
  • HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
  • VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
  • OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
  • TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
  • HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
  • BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
  • TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
  • PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
  • STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
  • PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
  • HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
  • HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
  • UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
  • DAMN-IT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMM-IT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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Pet Peeves and A Joy
  • People at work who leave their desk radio on all the time, and assume that EVERYBODY likes Bolivian zither music.
  • People who assume that you are not Irish if you forget to wear green on St. Patrick's Day.
  • People who come up and begin a conversation with, "did you ever hear the one about...."
  • People who think that you are low class just because you drive a 1974 Pinto with racing stripes and fuzzy dice in the front window.
  • Teal anything.
  • News anchors who ask a fake spontaneous question of a on-air reporter who always seems to have the correct answer. Why cannot someone just say, "I really don't know, Bob!"
  • Someone in the "Under 10 item" line with fifteen items and two sets of unruly twins that need a diaper change.
  • The speeder went past you going fifty in a thirty, and the cop pulls you over for having a blinker missing instead.
  • A Joy: A day when Howard Stern, Oprah, Rush Limbaugh, Andy Rooney and Mancow have absolutely nothing at all to say at all.

Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.

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How To Tell If Your Spouse Was on "Survivor".
  • Will only eat termites and leeches for breakfast.
  • Gets out of bed by using a grapevine.
  • Prefers to be dirty instead of clean.
  • Is suspicious of all that sits around him/her.
  • Does not believe in taxes, Wal-Mart or Bush or Obama.
  • Has read all of the Tarzan books, starting "Lord of The Flies".
  • Can do wonders with a block of wood and dental floss.
  • No time for lovemaking, got to build that hut in the living room.
  • Hopes to lose all of your savings so that he/she can guest on Letterman.
  • Will vote for complete Bull Moose slate in the next election.

Submitted by Bruce, Cold Harbor, Ill.

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The Flood is over and the ark has landed.

Noah lets all the animals out and says, "Go forth and multiply."

A few months later, Noah decides to take a stroll and see how the animals are doing. Everywhere he looks he finds baby animals. Everyone is doing fine except for one pair of little snakes. "What's the problem?" says Noah.

"Cut down some trees and let us live there", say the snakes.

Noah follows their advice. Several more weeks pass. Noah checks on the snakes again. Lots of little snakes, everybody is happy. Noah asks, "Want to tell me how the trees helped?"

"Certainly", say the snakes. "We're adders, so we need logs to multiply

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Construction Ideas "Walk in closet"  - Download Video

Submitted by Ray, Kind of Prussia, Pa.

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Corporate Logos--After the Crisis - Take 1








Also submitted by Jim, Gettysburg, Pa.

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Jan 14th Humor Page