Humor Selections for Feb 20th, 2009


     My Little Sister's Jokes > Recent Addition List

New jokes posted on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.
Happily maintained  by the Community of Emmitsburg, MD.

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E-mail us at: humor@emmitsburg.net


 
Bubba walked into a doctor's office...

,,, and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.

Bubba said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles.' So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles.'

The doctor asked, 'Where?'

Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'

Submitted by Cindy, Emmitsburg, Md.
 

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Totally useless facts - take 2
  • "Ping-Pong" is a registered trademark of Parker Brothers.
  • Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
  • All of the clocks in the movie Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20.
  • A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
  • An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
  • The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
  • You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.
  • The windiest place on earth is Mt. Washington, in New Hampshire.
  • You can use pinecones to forecast the weather--the scales will close when rain is on the way.
  • The red bumps on a turkey's head are called "caruncles."
  • One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today because cotton growers in the '30s lobbied against hemp farmers--they saw it as competition.
  • The IRS would need at least 15 3/4 miles of shelves to store the tax forms they receive each year.
  • If a cow has twins, a bull and a heifer, the heifer will never be able to reproduce.
  • It takes a fall of about eight building stories to kill a cat. A fall of three stories will typically break their jaw (due to a floating collar bone), but it takes a fall of five or six stories to break a leg.
  • A building in Belgium was taxed if there was a street light on it...unless a statue of the Virgin Mary were place above it. Hence, there are no buildings in the city without a statue of the Virgin Mary.
  • Mailing an entire building has been illegal in the U.S. since 1916 when a man mailed a 40,000-ton brick house across Utah to avoid high freight rates.
  • The largest stained-glass window in the world is at Kennedy International Airport in New York City. It can be seen on the American Airlines terminal building and measures 300 feet long by 23 feet high.
  • Pepsi was originally named Brad's Drink, and Kool-Aid originally went by Fruit Smack Flavored Syrup.
  • According to Archives of General Medicine, coffee drinkers have sex more frequently and enjoy it more than non-coffee drinkers.
  • A seagull drinks salt water because it has special glands that filter out the salt.
  • Koalas never drink water. They get fluids from the eucalyptus leaves they eat.
  • Sheep prefer to drink running water.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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Mexican words of the day ...
  • *Cheese* The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence. Pepito replies: Maria likes me, but cheese ugly.
  • *Mushroom* When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.
  • *Shoulder* My fren wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I, shoulder.
  • *Texas * My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!
  • *Herpes* Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.
  • *July* Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!
  • *Rectum* I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!
  • *Chicken* I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.
  • *Wheelchair* We only have one enchilada left, but don't worry wheelchair
  • *Chicken* *wing* My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.
  • *Harassment* My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her honey harassment nothing to me.
  • *Bishop* My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.
  • *Body wash* I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.
  • *Budweiser* That women over there has a nice body, budweiser face so ugly?

Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor, Ed.
 

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This is an old British (1930/40ish) limerick...

... but I am unsure how the comedy will translate itself into the American sense of humour. I originates in the North of England and always funny (to the Brits) when recited in itís original dialect.

The Lion & Albert

There's a famous seaside place called Blackpool,
That's noted for fresh-air and fun,
And Mr and Mrs Ramsbottom
Went there with young Albert, their son.

A grand little lad was their Albert
All dressed in his best; quite a swell
'E'd a stick with an 'orse's 'ead 'andle
The finest that Woolworth's could sell.

They didn't think much to the ocean
The waves, they was fiddlin' and small
There was no wrecks... nobody drownded
'Fact, nothing to laugh at, at all.

So, seeking for further amusement
They paid and went into the zoo
Where they'd lions and tigers and cam-els
And old ale and sandwiches too.

There were one great big lion called Wallace
His nose were all covered with scars
He lay in a som-no-lent posture
With the side of his face to the bars.

Now Albert had heard about lions
How they were ferocious and wild
And to see Wallace lying so peaceful
Well... it didn't seem right to the child.

So straight 'way the brave little feller
Not showing a morsel of fear
Took 'is stick with the'orse's 'ead 'andle
And pushed it in Wallace's ear!

You could see that the lion didn't like it
For giving a kind of a roll
He pulled Albert inside the cage with 'im
And swallowed the little lad... whole!

Then Pa, who had seen the occurrence
And didn't know what to do next
Said, "Mother! Yon lions 'et Albert"
And Mother said "Eeh, I am vexed!"

So Mr and Mrs Ramsbottom
Quite rightly, when all's said and done
Complained to the Animal Keeper
That the lion had eaten their son.

The keeper was quite nice about it
He said, "What a nasty mishap
Are you sure that it's your lad he's eaten?"
Pa said, "Am I sure? There's his cap!"

So the manager had to be sent for
He came and he said, "What's to do?"
Pa said, "Yon lion's 'eaten our Albert
And 'im in his Sunday clothes, too."

Then Mother said, "Right's right, young feller
I think it's a shame and a sin
For a lion to go and eat Albert
And after we've paid to come in!"

The manager wanted no trouble
He took out his purse right away
And said, "How much to settle the matter?"
And Pa said "What do you usually pay?"

But Mother had turned a bit awkward
When she thought where her Albert had gone
She said, "No! someone's got to be summonsed"
So that were decided upon.

Round they went to the Police Station
In front of a Magistrate chap
They told 'im what happened to Albert
And proved it by showing his cap.

The Magistrate gave his o-pinion
That no-one was really to blame
He said that he hoped the Ramsbottoms
Would have further sons to their name.

At that Mother got proper blazing
"And thank you, sir, kindly," said she
"What waste all our lives raising children
To feed ruddy lions? Not me!"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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Inside the Space Station - Download Video

Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, Fl.
 

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Be on the lookout for...

OSAMA BIN SHOPPIN

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia
 

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Feb 18th Humor Page