Humor Selections for Feb 18th, 2009

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Fred and Grady, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons...

..., watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Grady didn't show up.

Fred didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Grady hadn't shown up for a week or so, Fred really got worried However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Fred didn't know where Grady lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him. A month had passed, and Fred figured he had seen the last of Grady, but one day, Fred approached the park and lo and behold! --there sat Grady!

Fred was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.

Then he said, "For crying out loud Grady, what in the world happened to you?"

Grady replied, "I've been in jail."

"Jail???" cried Fred. "What in the world for?"

"Well," Grady said, "you know Sue, that cute little red-headed waitress at the coffee shop where I go for lunch sometimes?"

"Yeah," said Fred, "I remember her. What about her?"

"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me;" Grady replied "and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded "guilty!"

Grady slowly shakes his head from side to side and continues, "The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury."

Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, Fl.

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A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged...

..., balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat.

They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.

Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Ooh dad, there's one."

"No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."

Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough."

"No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."

About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman. The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."

"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."

"Why not?" asked the son.

"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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Totally useless facts - take 1
  • The housefly hums in the middle octave, key of F.
  • A whale's penis is called a dork.
  • Electricity doesn't move through a wire but through a field around the wire.
  • The blueprints for the Eiffel Tower covered more than 14,000 square feet of drafting paper.
  • Abraham Lincoln was the only U.S. president ever granted a patent.
  • General U.S. Grant owned slaves.
  • According to a British law passed in 1845, attempting to commit suicide was a capital offense. The punishment? The offense was punishable by hanging.
  • Acting was once considered to be evil, and the actors in the first English play to be performed in America were arrested.
  • In India it costs less to have sex with a prostitute than it does to buy a condom.
  • In Papua New Guinea there are villages within five miles of each other that speak different languages.
  • A fully loaded supertanker travelling at normal speed takes a least 20 minutes to stop.
  • In space, astronauts canít cry because there is no gravity, so the tears can't flow.
  • John Wilkes Booth's brother once saved the life of Abraham Lincoln's son.
  • Male bees will try to attract sex partners with orchid fragrance.
  • A chameleon's tongue is twice the length of its body.
  • How many cars can drive side by side on the Monumental Axis in Brazil, the world's widest road? 160.
  • A six-pound sea hare can lay 40,000 eggs in a single minute.
  • A blind chameleon still changes colors to match his environment.
  • 19th century tooth powder often contained porcelain, smashed coral or cuttlefish bone.
  • On the new $100 bill the time on the clock tower of Independence Hall is 4:10.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Hero Dog Helps Wounded Dog-Wow! - Download Video

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Submitted by Jim, Gettysburg, Pa.

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Feb 16th Humor Page