Humor Selections for Dec 7th, 2009

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Working in an ophthalmology practice that specializes in LASIK surgery...

... I am expected to comfort nervous patients. But prior to one operation, the patient was so nervous she was actually shaking.

Nothing I said to her would comfort her so after the doctor finished on the first eye and before he began on the second I wanted her to know the surgery was going well.

There, I said, patting her hand reassuringly, "Now you only have one eye left."

Submitted by Barb, Unionville, Pa.

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Calls to Call Centers

Samsung Electronics

  • Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?".
  • Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".
  • Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?".

RAC Motoring Services

  • Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia?
  • Operator: Doesn't the product give you a clue?

  • Caller: "I'd like the RSPCA please".
  • Operator: "Where are you calling from?".
  • Caller: "The living room".

  • Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".
  • Customer: "OK".
  • Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".
  • Customer: "No".
  • Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?".
  • Customer: "No".
  • Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?".
  • Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".
  • Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?".
  • Customer: "Wow! How can you see my screen from there?".

British Rail

  • Customer: "How much does it cost to Bath on the train?"
  • Operator: "If you can get your feet in the sink, then it's free."

  • Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?"
  • Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
  • Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
  • Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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Standing on the tee of a relatively long par three...

..., a confident golfer said to his caddy, "Looks like a four-wood and a putt to me."

The caddy argued with him a bit and suggested that he instead play it safe and hit a 4-iron then a wedge.

The golfer was insulted and proceeded to berate the caddy on the tee telling him that he was a better golfer than that and how dare he under estimate his game.

So, giving in the caddy handed the gentleman the four-wood he had asked for.

He proceeded to top the ball and watched as it folled about fifteen yards off the front of the tee.

Immediately the caddy handed him his putter and said, "And now for one hell of a putt..."

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Signs You've had too much of the 21st Century
  • Your daughter just bought a CD of all the records your College room mate used to play.
  • 16. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.
  • You checked your blow-dryer to see if it was Y2K compliant.
  • Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail inbox asking you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.
  • You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
  • Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of the screen.
  • You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.
  • The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.
  • Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.
  • You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
  • Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Drunkest Man Ever - Download Video

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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Dec 4th Humor Page