Humor Selections for August 31st 2009

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A biker is riding a new motorcycle on the highway.

While passing a car, he knocks on the window. The driver of the car opens the window, "Yes?"

"Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"

"No I haven't"

The biker drives on, until he sees the next car. While passing it, he knocks on the window. The driver of the car opens the window: "Yes?"

"Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"

"No I haven't"

Then suddenly there is a curve, the biker sees it too late. He crashes off the road into a ditch. A car stops and a man runs to the unlucky biker. The biker, while in severe pain, asks, "Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"

"Yes I have. I had a Honda for 20 years."

The biker says, "Tell me, where are the brakes?"

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Funniest Joke of the Fringe 2009
  • Dan Antopolski – "Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge?"
  • Paddy Lennox – "I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: 'This could be interesting.'"
  • Sarah Millican – "I had my boobs measured and bought a new bra. Now I call them Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warnes because they're up where they belong."
  • Zoe Lyons – "I went on a girl's night out recently. The invitation said 'dress to kill.' I went as Rose West."
  • Jack Whitehall - "I'm sure wherever my dad is, he's looking down on us. He's not dead. Just very condescending."
  • Adam Hills – "Going to Starbucks for coffee is like going to prison for sex. You know you're going to get it, but it's going to be rough."
  • Marcus Brigstocke – "To the people who've got iPhones: you just bought one, you didn't invent it!"
  • Rhod Gilbert – "A spa hotel? It's like a normal hotel, only in reception there's a picture of a pebble".
  • Dan Antopolski – "I've been reading the news about there being a civil war in Madagascar. Well, I've seen it six times and there isn't."
  • Simon Brodkin (as Lee Nelson) – "I started so many fights at my school - I had that attention-deficit disorder. So I didn't finish a lot of them."

Some of the worst jokes told at this year's Fringe include:

  • Carey Marx – "I'm not doing any Michael Jackson jokes, because they always involve puns about his songs. And that's bad".
  • Stephen Carlin – "There are so many 'failed train' announcements at stations these days. It's not rolling stock, it's laughing stock."
  • Celia Pacquola – "My mind is like a cement mixer. It's grey, thick and always moving."
  • Rhys Darby – "I don't believe in guns. Literally; I don't believe they exist."
  • Frank Woodley – "I phoned the swine flu hotline and all I got was crackling."
  • Anna and Katy - "I dated a woman from the Chinese State Circus. One time I took her upstairs for a 69. She said, 'I'm not cooking at this time of night.'"
  • Alex Maple – "Michael Jackson only invented the moonwalk so he could sneak up on children."
  • Phil Nichol – "She's got a face like a rare Chinese vase – minging."
  • Denise Van Outen – "A brunette, a red-head and a blonde break out of Holloway Prison. They hide in a barn from the police and get into some sacks. The police come in and feel the sack with the brunette in it - she goes 'miaow'! They go on to feel the sack with the red-head in it - she goes 'woof!' Finally they feel the sack with the blonde in it. The Blonde shouts: potatoes!"
  • Alistair McGowan - "I've just split up from my girlfriend, which is shame, because it was a long-standing arrangement. Perhaps if we'd sat down a bit more..."
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Fishing Terms Explained

Catch and Release - A conservation motion that happens most often right before the local Fish and Game officer pulls over a boat that has caught over it's limit.

Hook - 1 A curved piece of metal used to catch fish. 2. A clever advertisement to entice a fisherman to spend his life savings on a new rod and reel. 3. The punch administered by said fisherman's wife after he spends their life savings, (see also, Right Hook, Left Hook)

Line - Something you give your co-workers when they ask on Monday how your fishing went the past weekend.

Lure - An object that is semi-enticing to fish, but will drive an angler into such a frenzy that he will charge his credit card to the limit before exiting the tackle shop.

Reel - A weighted object that causes a rod to sink quickly when dropped overboard.

Rod - An attractively painted length of fiberglass that keeps an angler from ever getting too close to a fish.

School - A grouping in which fish are taught to avoid your $29.99 lures and hold out for Spam instead.

Tackle - What your last catch did to you as you reeled him in, but just before he wrestled free and jumped back overboard.

Tackle Box - A box shaped alarmingly like your comprehensive 'first aid kit'. Only a tackle box contains many sharp objects, so that when you reach in the wrong box blindly to get a Band Aid, you soon find that you need more than one.

Test - 1. The amount of strength a fishing line affords an angler when fighting fish in a specific weight range.  2. A measure of your creativity in blaming "that darn line" for once again losing the fish.

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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Two men who haven't seen each other for many years meet on the street.

One asks the other how things have been.

"Wonderful, for a while," the other says. "I had it all: money, a magnificent house, a fast car, the love of a beautiful woman. Then, one day, poof! It was all gone."

"What a shame," the friend says. "What on Earth happened?"

Says the other man: "My wife found out."

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A prosecuting attorney just could not believe that a jury had found the defendant not guilty.

Astonished, he asked the jury foreman, "How could you possibly have found this man innocent?"

The foreman replied, "Insanity."

The perplexed prosecutor asked, "All twelve of you?"

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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Advice -  a truly delightful presentation - Download Slide Show

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Finest Foods from Around the World







Turnpike Quality?


Submitted by Cathy, Storrington, England!

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August 28th Humor Page