Humor Selections for April 3rd, 2009


     My Little Sister's Jokes > Recent Addition List

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E-mail us at: humor@emmitsburg.net


 
During a visit to a foreign county the Pope met with its President. 

Instead of just an hour as scheduled, the meeting went on for two days.

Finally, a weary the President emerged to face the waiting news media. The President was smiling and announced the summit was a resounding success. He said he and the Pope agreed on 80% of the matters they discussed.

A few minutes later the Pope came out to make his statement. He looked tired, discouraged and was practically in tears. Sadly he announced his meeting with the President was a failure.

Incredulous, one reporter asked, "But your Holiness, the President just announced the summit was a great success and the two of you agreed on 80% of the items discussed?.

Exasperated, the Pope answered, "Yes, but we were talking about the Ten Commandments."

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "Whatíll you have?"

The guy answers "A scotch please."

The bartender hands him the drink, and says, "Thatíll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I donít owe you anything for this."

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, heís got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."

The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But donít ever let me catch you in here again."

The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I canít believe youíve got the audacity to come back!"

The guy says, "What are you talking about? Iíve never been in this place in my life!" The bartender replies, "Iím very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."

To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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Once upon a time, a young lad was born without a belly button.

In its place was a silver screw. All the Doctors told his mother that there was nothing that they could do.

Like it or not, he was stuck with it . . . He was screwed.

All the years of growing up were real tough on him, as all who saw the screw made fun of him. He avoided leaving his house . . . And thus, never made any friends.

One day, a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a monk in Tibet who could get rid of the screw for him. He was thrilled. The next day, he took all of his life's savings and bought a ticket to Nepal

After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a giant monastery. The monk knew exactly why he had come. The screwy guy was told to sleep in the highest tower of the monastery and the following day when he awoke, the screw would have been removed. The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep.

During the night while he slept, a purple fog floated in an open window. In the mist floated a solid silver screwdriver. In just moments, the screwdriver removed the screw and disappeared out the window.

The next morning when the man awoke, he saw the silver screw laying on the pillow next to him. Reaching down, he felt his navel, and there was no screw there! Jubilant, he leaped out of bed .. . . . And his butt fell off.

The moral to this is: 'Don't screw around with things you don't understand -- You could lose your ass.'

Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed!
 

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The Judge asked the defendant...

... "Mr. Jones, do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?"

"I do."

"Now what do you say to defend yourself?"

"Your Honor, under those limitations... nothing."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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Redneck Carnival Ride ... Download Video

Submitted by Jay, Long Island, NY
 

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Never piss off a guy that owns a backhoe

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Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.
 

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