Humor Selections for April 24th, 2009

     My Little Sister's Jokes > Recent Addition List

New jokes posted on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.
Happily maintained  by the Community of Emmitsburg, MD.

Help us build our joke and story bank.
E-mail us at:

Inventive Excuses for Missing Work
  • I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.
  • I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Safeway.
  • Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Broncos, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
  • I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
  • My stigmata is acting up.
  • I can't come in to work today because I will be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
  • I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet.
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

Return to: Top of Page, List of Jokes about Work, My Little Sister's Jokes,

A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert.

"What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked.

Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc. Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand. "Yes Davey, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master.

Davey replied, "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."

"Why is that Davey?" asked the Scout Master.

"Well," answered Davey, " the compass is to find the right direction, and the water is to prevent dehydration."

"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently.

Davey replied, "Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, 'Put that red nine on top of that black ten'."

Return to: Top of Page, Clean Joke List, My Little Sister's Jokes,

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus.

He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He says that it can play any musical instrument in the world.

Everyone in the bar laughs at the man, calling him an idiot. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.

A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix. The guitar man pays up his $50.

Another guy walks up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays the trumpet better than Miles Davis. This guy pays up his $50.

Then a Scotsman walks up with some bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and then sits down with a confused look. "Ha!" the Scot says. "Can ye nae plae it?"

The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to take her up to my boudoir as soon as I get her pajamas off!"

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

Return to: Top of Page, List of Un-Categorizable Jokes, My Little Sister's Jokes,

Bubba  and Cheryl had married under none too happy circumstances...

... and their married life had not been anything to brag about either. But when, after they had been lived together for thirty-five years, Edwin went to the local judge to ask for an annulment, the whole of Middleton gasped with amazement.

A date for the hearing was set. However, when the time came, the judge demanded to know the grounds on which Bubba  based his demand for an annulment.

"It's like this, your Honor," answered Bubba. "I've just learned that Cheryl's father never had a license to carry a gun."

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

Return to: Top of Page, List of Redneck Jokes, My Little Sister's Jokes,

Useless Trivia Take 12
  • Pigs can cover a mile in 7.5 minutes when running at top speed.
  • You breathe about 10 million times a year.
  • The colder the room you sleep in, the better the chances are that you'll have a bad dream.
  • The first non-human to win an Oscar was Mickey Mouse.
  • Lee Harvey Oswald was booked with mugshot number 54018.
  • The Gulf Stream could carry a message in a bottle at an average of four miles per hour.
  • The bulls-eye on a dartboard must be 5 feet 8 inches off the ground.
  • The foot is the most common body part bitten by insects.
  • The most common time for a wake up call is 7 a.m.
  • The doorbell was invented in 1831.
  • The electric shaver was patented on November 6, 1928.
  • Japan is the largest exporter of frog's legs.
  • There are seven points on the Statue of Liberty's crown.
  • The shell constitutes 12 percent of an egg's weight.
  • A squid has 10 tentacles.
  • A snail's reproductive organs are in its head.
  • A cow's only sweat glands are in its nose.
  • The world "and" appears 46,277 times in the Bible.
  • The telephone's U.S. patent number is 174 465.
  • There are 17 steps leading up to Sherlock Holmes' apartment.
  • When a horned toad is angry, it squirts blood from its eyes.
  • Napoleon was terrified of cats.
  • The typical American eats 263 eggs a year.
  • The fastest growing nail is on the middle finger.
  • The human body weighs 40 times more than the brain.
  • A person swallows approximately 295 times while eating dinner.

Return to: Top of Page, List of Interesting Facts, My Little Sister's Jokes,

The origin of numbers - Download Video

Submitted by Jay, Long Island, NY.

Return to: Top of Page, List of Audio/Videos, My Little Sister's Jokes,

Illegal Drag Racing

A friend who works for the Police Department received the attached photo of a drag race that went horribly bad. It's kind of disturbing to look at, but it serves as a reminder of what can happen when drag races occur.

Please... Keep drag racing off the streets...


Submitted by Paul, Oklahoma City, OK

Return to: Top of Page, List of Photos, My Little Sister's Jokes,

April 22nd Humor Page