Humor Selections for April 13th, 2009

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A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his mother, "How was I born?"

"Well honey..." said the slightly prudish mother, "the stork brought you to us."

"Oh," said the boy, "and how did you and daddy get born?"

"Oh, the stork brought us too."

"Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" the boy persisted.

"Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the mother, by now starting to squirm a little.

Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence: "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Twisters ...
  • Time wounds all heels
  • A varsity makes strange bedfellows
  • Beauty is in the aye of the beholder
  • Nothing fractured nothing sprained
  • A bad excuse is better for a corporation
  • An army marches on our stomach
  • The age of miracles is a pest
  • Absence makes the heart grow yonder
  • After a storm comes a clam
  • The best things in life are freed
  • The bigger they are the harder they bawl
  • The customer was always right
  • Confess and be hanged, or ask the government for money
  • Half the truth is a good lie
  • From shirtsleeves to shirtsleeves in three generations (of investors)
  • Forewarned is forearmed (for insider traders)
  • Beauty is only kin deep
  • Every man to his tirade
  • In for a penny, in for a pounding
  • Necessity is the invention of mother
  • Hope for the best and prepare for the wurst
  • The more you fund it the worse it stinks
  • One good serve returns another
Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia.

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Letter from a Boss...

As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that Barrack Obama is our President, and that our taxes, and government fees will increase in a BIG way. To compensate for these increases, our prices would have to increase by about 10%.

Since we cannot increase our prices right now due to the dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off six of our employees instead. This has really been bothering me, since I believe we are family here and I didn't know how to choose who would have to go.

So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking lot and found six Obama bumper stickers on our employees' cars and have decided these folks will be the ones to let go. I can't think of a more fair way to approach this problem. They voted for change; I gave it to them.

I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic.

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
  • Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash? He's all right now.
  • How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.
  • How does a spoiled rich girl change a light bulb? She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."
  • What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids.
  • What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick.
  • What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.
  • What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses.
  • What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand? Quatro sinko.
  • What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
  • What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
  • What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor? A pachydermatologist
  • What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you? A pool table.
  • What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.
  • Where do you find a no legged dog? Right where you left him.
  • Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? They all have phones.
  • Why do bagpipers walk when they play? They're trying to get away from the noise.
  • Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers.

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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The following are a few simple ways to keep burglars out of the house...

... by putting a few signs in well-placed locations.

  • #1. Dear Mr. Butcher; Starting tomorrow, please leave eight pounds of meat for Brutus. Six pounds only makes him angry and vicious!
  • #2. Dear Mr. Milkman; We found bloodstains all over our mail. They must be yours. The next time you put mail into our slot, please be sure to keep all parts of your body well clear of all openings. PS. Any sign of that book we sent for, "The Care and Feeding of Wild Jungle Cats?"
  • #3. Selma; Don't come in! The boa constrictor got loose again...
  • #4. Dear Mr. Exterminator; Be very careful when you go inside! The termites have eaten through most of the floorboards and you will fall into the basement where all of the rats are!
  • #5. To whom it may concern; Some of the items in this house have been engraved with Federal Identification Numbers. Others have merely been wired to explode when touched.

Good luck...

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Job Hunting - Download Video

Submitted by Former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed!

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Submitted by Julie, Middleburg, PA. 

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