Humor Selections for Sept 8th, 2008

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Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle...

...they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. 'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry. The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass. At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.'

He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Forget dat. Dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me!'


Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.

He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'


Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken. Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head. 'Forget dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting.... And now Sean and his stuped hengliding!'

Submitted by Julie, Middleburg, Md.

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A Department of Water Resources representative stops at a Texas ranch...

... and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, I need to inspect your ranch for your water allocation.

The old rancher says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.

The Water representative says, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'

The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.

Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the Water Rep running for his life and close behind is the rancher's bull. The bull is gaining with every step. The Rep is clearly terrified.

So the old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs....'Your card! Show him Your card!'

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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You Know You've Booked a Cheap Flight When?
  • As you board the plane, you notice the co-pilot is frowning and wearing an "I'm with Stupid" T-Shirt.
  • The Captain announces over the intercom the Flight is delayed while he looks for his keys.
  • The Airline mechanics, wearing propeller beanies, seem to be pointing and laughing an awful lot, and drinking something from inside brown paper bags.
  • The Ground Crew are seen using pennies to check tyre wear
  • A man with an oily rag hanging from the back pocket of his dirty coveralls, and sadly shaking his head, turns out to be the airline's C.E.O.
  • A voice on P.A. system warns you to keep your heads and arms inside the aircraft at all times, while the plane is in motion.
  • Jumper Cables are dangling from the door to the cockpit.
  • A man in clerical garb walks thru the plane, sprinkles all the passengers with water, mumbling something in Latin & exits.
  • A telephone with a really long cord connects the plane to the control tower.

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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How to Know That You Are Getting Very Old:
  • The Lawrence Welk Show that you hated as a teenager sounds pretty good now.
  • All of the comedians that you used to laugh with on Ed Sullivan are dead now. Also, you knew that Ed Sullivan wrote a newspaper column before he went on television, didn't you?
  • You remember when a Buick was built like a Sherman tank.
  • Your after-school activity was playing baseball in the neighborhood with all of the kids.
  • You remember you wearing out three pair of Keds in one summer playing basketball in your driveway.
  • There were only two rock 'n roll radio stations in your metro area at one time. Country stations were only heard in the South.
  • Do you remember variety shows on television? One or two were on every night.
  • You are surprised to see that your best friends when you were a kid look just as old as you do. And all you talk about is high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and retirement homes.
  • Less and less people are coming to your class reunions now.
  •  As you continue to visit are care for your parents, a little thought in the back of your head is that soon you will be watched over by your kids, too. Also, you never realized that old age came so quickly.

Submitted by Bruce, Carol Stream, Illinois

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Top Ten Most Amazing Pictures Taken by Hubble Space Telescope in Last 16 Years

"...they illustrate that our universe is not only deeply strange, but also almost impossibly beautiful."
Michael Hanlon/AH (Nov 25th, 2006)  After correcting an initial problem with the lens, when the Hubble Space Telescope was first launched in 1990, the floating astro-observatory began to relay back to Earth, incredible snapshots of the "final frontier" it was perusing.

Recently, astronauts voted on the top photographs taken by Hubble, in its 16-year journey so far. Remarking in the article from the Daily Mail, reporter Michael Hanlon says the photos "illustrate that our universe is not only deeply strange, but also almost impossibly beautiful."

Hubble Telescope's top ten greatest space photographs.

The Sombrero Galaxy - 28 million light years from Earth - was voted best picture taken
by the Hubble telescope.  The dimensions of the galaxy, officially called M104, are as
spectacular as its appearance It has 800 billion suns and is 50,000 light years across.


The Ant Nebula, a cloud of dust and gas whose technical name is Mz3, resembles
an ant when observed using ground-based telescopes...  The nebula lies within
our galaxy between 3,000 and 6,000 light years from Earth.


In third place is Nebula NGC 2392, called "Eskimo" because it looks like a face surrounded
by a furry hood.  The hood is, in fact, a ring of comet-shaped objects flying away from
a dying star.  Eskimo is 5,000 light years from Earth


At four is the Cat's Eye Nebula.


The Hourglass Nebula, 8,000 light years away, has a "pinched-in-the-middle"
look because the winds that shape it are weaker at the centre.


In sixth place is the Cone Nebula.  The part pictured here is 2.5 light
years in length (the equivalent of 23 million return trips to the Moon).


The Perfect Storm, a small region in the Swan Nebula, 5,500 light years away,
described as 'a bubbly ocean of hydrogen and small amounts of
oxygen, sulphur and other elements'.


Starry Night, so named because it reminded astronomers of the Van Gogh painting. 
 It is a halo of light around a star in the Milky Way.


The glowering eyes from 114 million light years away are the swirling cores of
two merging galaxies called NGC 2207 and IC 2163 in the distant Canis Major constellation.


The Trifid Nebula. A 'stellar nursery', 9,000 light years from here,
 it is where new stars are being born.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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