Humor Selections for Sept 5th, 2008

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For those who plan to visit our Nation's Capital!
  • First, you must learn to call it by its rightful name. It is DC or 'the District' - only tourists call it Washington.
  • Next, if your road map of Montgomery County is more than a few weeks old, throw it out and buy a new one. It's obsolete. If in Loudoun or Fairfax County and your map is one day old, it's already obsolete.
  • There is no such thing as a dangerous high speed chase in D.C. It's just another chase, usually on the BW Parkway .
  • All directions start with 'The Beltway'... which has no beginning and no end, just one continuous loop that locals believe is somehow clarified by an 'inner' and 'outer loop' designation. This makes no sense to ANYONE outside the area.
  • The morning rush hour is from 5 to 11 AM. The evening rush hour is from 1 to 8 PM. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning, especially during the summer on Route 50 eastbound.
  • If there is a ball game at the Redskins stadium, there is no point in driving anywhere near PG County. (Tip: Never say PG County to anyone from Mitchellville, Upper Marlboro, Bowie or Fort Washington (its Prince Georges County ). They'll blow a vessel in their neck and go into a seizure.)
  • If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended and shot at. If you run the red light, be sure to s mil e for the $100 'picture' you will receive courtesy of DMV. (However, if you don't go as soon as the light turns green, you will get cussed out in 382 languages.
  • Rain causes an immediate 50 point drop of IQ in drivers.
  • Snow causes an immediate 100 point drop in IQ and a rush to the nearest Giant for toilet paper and milk.
  • Construction on I-270 is a way of life and a permanent source of scorn and cynical entertainment. It's ironic that it's called an 'Interstate,' but runs only from Bethesda to Frederick . (Unless you consider Montgomery County another state, which some do). Opening in the 60's, it has been torn up and under reconstruction ever since. Also, it has a 'Spur' section which is even more confusing.
  • All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, 'Oh, we're in Takoma Park '.
  • If someone actually has their turn signal on, they are by definition, a tourist.
  • Car horns are actually 'Road Rage' indicators. Heed the warning.
  • All old ladies in Buicks have the right of way in the area of Leisure World.
  • Many roads mysteriously change their names as you cross intersections. Don't ask why, no one knows.
  • If asking directions in Arlington , Langley Park, Wheaton or Adams Morgan, Spanish helps. Annandale, Cambodian or Vietnamese will come in handy. If on Dupont Circle, Capital Hill or U Street, tolerance for same sex helps. If you stop to ask directions in Southeast...well, just don't.
  • A taxi ride across town will cost you $12.50. A taxi ride two blocks will cost you 16.75. (It's a zone thing, you wouldn't understand.)
  • Traveling south out of DC on Interstate 395/95 is the most dangerous, scariest thing you will ever do.
  • There is nothing more comforting then seven lanes of traffic cruising along at 85 mph, BUMPER TO BUMPER!!! (Truer words have never been written!)
  • The minimum acceptable speed on the Beltway is 85. Anything less is considered down right sissy.
  • The open lane for passing on all Maryland interstates is the far right lane because no self-respecting Marylander would ever be caught driving in the 'slow ' lane. Unofficially, both shoulders are fair game also.
  • The far left lanes on all Maryland interstates are official 'chat' lanes reserved for drivers who wish to talk on their cell phones. Note: All SUVs have priority clearance to use the far left at whatever speed the driver feels most comfortable multi-tasking in.
  • The Beltway is our daily version of a NASCAR reality show. Strap up and collect points as you go.
Submitted by Dick, Williamsport. Md

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There was once a handyman who had a dog named Mace.

Mace was a great dog except he had one weird habit: he liked to eat grass -- not just a little bit, but in quantities that would make a lawnmower blush. And nothing, it seemed, could cure him of it.

One day, the handyman lost his wrench in the tall grass while he was working outside. He looked and looked, but it was nowhere to be found. As it was getting dark, he gave up for the night and decided to look the next morning.

When he awoke, he went outside and saw that his dog had eaten all the grass in the area, around where he had been working, and his wrench now lay in plain sight, glinting in the sun.

Going out to get his wrench, he called the dog over to him and said, "A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me."

A true groaner submitted by good old Don ... stuck in traffic somewhere in DC!

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Only women of a certain era will fully appreciate this.... True story.  (If you don't understand this, tell your mother, she'll get it!)

A Michigan woman and her family were vacationing in a small New England town...

... where Paul Newman and his family often visited.

One Sunday morning, the woman got up early to take a long walk. After a brisk five-mile hike, she decided to treat herself to a double-dip chocolate ice cream cone.

She hopped in the car, drove to the center of the village and went straight to the combination bakery/ice cream parlor.

There was only one other patron in the store: Paul Newman, sitting at the counter having a doughnut and coffee.

The woman's heart skipped a beat as her eyes made contact with those famous baby-blue eyes.

The actor nodded graciously and the star struck woman smiled demurely.

Pull yourself together! She chides herself. You're a happily married woman with three children, you're fifty-five years old, not a teenager!

The clerk filled her order and she took the double-dip chocolate ice cream cone in one hand and her change in the other. Then she went out the door, avoiding even a glance in Paul Newman's direction.

When she reached her car, she realized that she had a handful of change but her other hand was empty. Where's my ice cream cone? Did I leave it in the store? Back into the shop she went, expecting to see the cone still in the clerk's hand or in a holder on the counter or something! No ice cream cone was in sight..

With that, she happened to look over at Paul Newman. His face broke into his familiar, warm, friendly grin and he said to the woman,

'You put it in your purse.'

Submitted by Audrey, Emmitsburg, Md.

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The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night.

Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!"

The dying man said nothing so the priest repeated his order.

Still the dying man said nothing.

The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"

The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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The Symphony Orchestra Is Not So Good—Why?
  • There is a spittoon next to the podium
  • The oboe player’s last job was doing duck calls at a skeet shooting match.
  • The blond violin player was named first chair, so that the rest of the orchestra could continually ogle at her in the front.
  • The conductor’s last job was on the Baltimore and Ohio. Before that, he went to technician’s school to see if he could also conduct electricity.
  • The timpanist is famous for his stick technique and his kettle chili bake-offs during the concert.
  • The audience came to the concert when they were promised free beer in the lobby and a pinup picture of Loren Maazel.
  • They found wormwood in the double basses, and a transvestite in the soprano sax section.
  • The orchestra was promised a road trip in the suburbs. They got a concert smack dab in the middle of the I-40 and US-36 cloverleaf. Three cabdrivers attended it along with two fifth grade classes who were on the way to a zoo fieldtrip, and a plague of locusts.
  • The music of Bach, Beethoven and Brahms was replaced by Schwartz, Tinglehoff and Max the wonderdog.
  • At the last concert, the conductor, Yorky Snuggle beat the orchestra three falls to none. Snuggle will go on and take on the Albany Philharmonic in the playoffs.

Submitted by Bruce, Carol Stream, Illinois

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The new guy on the block ... Download Video

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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No title needed... I think the picture says it all...


Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Sept 3rd Humor Page