Humor Selections for Sept 10th, 2008


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Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife, Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat, Gracie, looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it, dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . .HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles no where to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an atempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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A man goes to a psychologist and says, "Doc I got a real problem...

..., I can't stop thinking about relations."

The psychologist says, "Well let's see what we can find out", and pulls out his ink blots. "What is this a picture of?" he asks.

The man turns the picture upside down then turns it around and states, "That's a man and a woman having relations."

The psychologist says, "Very interesting," and shows the next picture. "And what is this a picture of?"

The man looks and turns it in different directions and says, "That's a man and a woman having relations."

The psychologists tries again with the third ink blot, and asks the same question, "What is this a picture of?"

The patient again turns it in all directions and replies, "That's a man and a woman having relations."

The psychologist states, "Well, yes, you do seem to be obsessed with relations."

"Me!?" demands the patient. "You're the one who keeps showing me the dirty pictures!"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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Things You Never Hear In Church
  • Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
  • I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.
  • I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.
  • Forget the denominational minimum salary, let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do.
  • I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!
  • Since we're all here, let's start the service early.
  • Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.
  • Iíve decided to cook the prime rib to serve at the potluck supper.
  • The ministerís old mini-van has served him long enough. Letís buy him a new Lexus SUV.
  • For the pastorís sake, let put all of the sick parishioners in the same hospital.
  • Wow! This church accepts VISA and Mastercard!
  • Letís park in the back of the lot, so those older people can get a parking place near the door!
  • I donít care if the pro football game has started. I want to hear the end of this sermon!
  • Everyone has turned his pledge cards in early!
  • The trustees have reported that everything is in fine working order and nothing needs to be replaced.
  • The choir is so good that I am going to donate money for their next three anthem copies.
  • I donít care what race or gender the new minister is, what the Lord provides is completely okay with me!

Submitted by Bruce, Carol Stream, Illinois
 

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Ed and Harriet met while on a cruise and Ed fell head over heals in love with her.

On the last night of his vacation the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how they would continue their relationship.

"It's only fair to warn you that I'm a total golf nut" Ed said to his lady friend. "I eat sleep and breathe golf so, if that's a problem, you'd better say so now."

Harriet responded, "If we're being honest with each other, here goes .... I'm a hooker" !!

"I see", Ed replied, and was quiet for a moment.

Then he added, "It's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off" !!!

Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed
 

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So there I was in my kayak, minding my own business - Download Video

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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Submitted by Mary Jo, Emmitsburg, Md.

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Sept 8th Humor Page