Humor Selections for October 27th, 2008

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Aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and nephews.

However, she had relatives all over the country.

The problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane.

She read books about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess demonstrate all the safety features. But she still worried herself silly every time a visit was coming up.

Finally, the family decided that maybe if she saw the statistics she’d be convinced. So they sent her to a friend of the family who was an actuary.

"Tell me," she said suspiciously, "what are the chances that someone will have a bomb on a plane?"

The actuary looked through his tables and said, "A very small chance. Maybe one in five hundred thousand."

She nodded, then thought for a moment. "So what are the odds of two people having a bomb on the same plane?"

Again he went through his tables.

"Extremely remote," he said. "About one in a billion."

Aunt Bessie nodded and left his office.

And from that day on, every time she flew, she took a bomb with her.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Little Johnny came downstairs bellowing lustily. His mother asked, "What's the matter now?"

"Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with a hammer," said Johnny through his tears.

"That's not so serious," soothed his mother. "I know you're upset, but a big boy like you shouldn't cry at something like that. Why didn't you just laugh?"

"I did!" sobbed Johnny.

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Tidbits from someone who watches a bit too much TV
  • Only sympathetic people who are shot and killed are comforted by their wife or mother. Bad guys have no mothers or wives.
  • The Danny Thomas syndrome: A shocking event told happens when someone has a mouthful of coffee.
  • Lucy Riccardo never had tears when she cried.
  • When a bad guy is shot in the bar on the second floor, the railing always gives in easily.
  • A dog never urinates on a bad guy—only on the comic hero.
  • Black bad guys never seem to know the King's English—only know some eastern, southern African, Ghetto talk.
  • Indians talk like English with Indian accent. Tonto never learned good English from Kemo Sabe.
  • Until Jackie Chan came along, every oriental guy was as bad as Oddjob.
  • When someone dials a phone call, the sound at the other end is the same as phones forty years ago.
  • You know that a car is going to be wrecked if is being driven by the hero and it is not his regular car.
  • You know that an American sitcom is in trouble when they have to bring in John Cleese to play a lost uncle or a boss.
  • Nobody in a soap opera ever gets a full cup of coffee poured, and never gets to drink it.
  • Nobody on television has to go to the bathroom.
  • A scene in the bathroom is always about powdering their noses. There is hardly any toilet in sight—or heard except in "All In The Family".
  • It's amazing that Homer Simpson hasn't been put in prison for anything that he has done.
Submitted by Bruce, Carol Stream, Illinois

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A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask...

...  over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure. 

A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

'Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.      

Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them, sir!!'          

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,

'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...' 

'A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?'

Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, Fl..

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How to tell if the company you were with for so many years is going broke:

  • Christmas parties that used to be in the Waldorf Astoria Ballroom are now in your lower boiler room.
  • President of the firm keeps bringing in new vice presidents that he calls personal consultants.
  • It is no longer called a company--it's now a corporation with several unnamed co-owners that nobody knows about. You think that one was on a picture in the post office.
  • He brings in sales managers from other failed firms--and you think that they are going to be successful with you?
  • The CFO spends less time in her office and more at Hialeah.
  • The cafeteria no longer is open for breakfast and does not do lunches on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays. Box lunches are Spam specials.
  • Your computer is hooked up to a quarter meter bank now. A quarter is good for an hour of PC time. And your desk phone has a quarter slot in it, too.
  • The guard at the door frisks everyone to make sure that they are not stealing any company pens.
  • The elderly owner frisks the girls at the door when they come in because he likes to do that.
  • All of your accounts are famous corporations: Tyco, Enron, Worldcom, Ames, Florsheim and Trak Auto.

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, MD.

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Typical Male Driver ... Download Video

Submitted by Former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed

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The 6 Phases of Work

Phase 1


You are listening to jazz -- Your first day at work is great.
Your coworkers are wonderful, your cubicle is cute, and your boss is the best!

Phase 2

You are listening to pop music -- After a while you are so busy that you
are not sure if you're coming or going anymore.

Phase 3
You are listening to heavy metal --
This is what you feel like at month end.

Phase 4
You are listening to hip hop -- You become bloated due to stress,
feel sluggish  and suffer from constipation. Your coworkers are too cheerful for
your liking and the walls of your cubicle are closing in.
You have started thinking 'WHATEVER' about your boss.

Phase 5
You are listening to GANGSTA RAP -- After more time passes, your eyes start to twitch,
you forget what a 'good hair day' feels like as you just fall out of bed and load up on caffeine.

Phase 6
You are listening to the voices in your head --
You have build a makeshift door on your cubicle to keep people out,
You have a dartboard with your bosses picture on it in your cube,
You wonder why you are even here in the first place.

Submitted by Audrey, Emmitsburg, Md.

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Oct 24th Humor Page