Humor Selections for May 5th, 2008

     My Little Sister's Jokes > Recent Addition List

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Happily maintained  by the Community of Emmitsburg, MD.

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A woman was lamenting that she had gained weight.

She'd made her family's favorite cake over the weekend, she reported, and they'd eaten half of it at dinner.

The next day, she said, she kept staring at the other half, until finally she cut a thin slice for herself. One slice led to another, and soon the whole cake was gone.

The woman went on to tell us how upset she was with her lack of willpower, and how she knew her husband would be disappointed.

Everyone commiserated; until someone asked what her husband said when he found out.

She smiled. "He never found out. I made another cake and ate half!"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Arkansas's Rules
  • Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.
  • Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel road." I drive a Pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
  • They are cattle & fishing lakes. That's what they smell like to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it.
  • So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 combines that are driven only 3 times a year.
  • So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
  • If that cell phone rings while a bunch of ducks are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
  • Yeah, we eat Crappi and Catfish and love it. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.
  • The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a Religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.
  • We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.
  • No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the pound of ham & turkey.
  • When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, meats, and meats
  • You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.
  • Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards --it spooks the fish.

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A Scottish lad and lass were sitting together on a heathery hill in the Highlands.

They had been silent for a while when the lass said,

"A penny for ye thoughts Angus."

The lad was a bit abashed, but he finally said, "Well Mary, I was thinkin' how nice it would be if ye'd give me a wee bit of a kiss."

So she did so. But he again lapsed into a pensive mood which lasted long enough for the lass to ask him,

"What are ye thinkin' now Angus?"

To which the lad replied:

"Well, I was hopin' ye hadn't forgot the penny!"

Submitted by Bob, Rockville, MD

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IRS Rebate Check

As you may have heard, each of us will be getting a tax rebate check to stimulate the economy.
  • If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China.
  • If we spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs.
  • If we purchase a computer it will go to India.
  • If we purchase fruits and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala.
  • If we purchase a good car it will go to Japan.
    If we purchase useless stuff it will go to some third world county, and none of it will help the American economy.   

We need to keep that money here in America. The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it at yard sales and flea markets, since those are the only businesses still in the USA!

Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, FL

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Police Quotes ...
  • "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
  • "The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
  • "So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
  • "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"
  • "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
  • "Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
  • "Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."
  • "In God we trust, all others are suspects."
Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, MD

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This Is India .... It's Where You Call When You Have a Technical Problem with Your Computer

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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May 2nd Humor Page