Humor Selections for May 30th, 2008

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How To Get Yourself Noticed In A Restaurant
  • Ask for the Senior citizen or childrenís menu even though you donít look a day over or under 35.
  • Make a big fuss when the water boy fills your glass, saying, "I only drink 90 proof prune juice!"
  • Ask for a "to go" box before your meal is served. In fact, ask for three.
  • Demand to see the health inspectorís most recent report in the restaurant.
  • Unless the waitress lowers the check amount, bring in your own doggie or barf bags and threaten to use it at the end of your meal.
  • Start whistling birdcalls in the middle of the meal.
  • Slurp your soup or if you feel like it, spill it all over the table next to you.
  • Make sure you sneeze in your food, then demand that they take it back to the kitchen because it isnít just right.
  • Without letting the parents know first, start talking to the children at the table behind you.
  • Always give a credit card thatís expired to the hostess. In fact, just for laughs, give her your old Dinerís Club card from 1963.
  • Demand to see the cook, loudly, and then complain about the meal that you had there last year.
  • Ask the waitress why arenít there crackers and milk on the menu like there were last time you were in there.
  • Laugh loudly and start snorting.
  • Ask for reservations for fifteen when you sign in, and then just the two of you sit in at that table.
  • When the hostess asks for your name to announce, say you are "Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers".
  • Try to pay for your meal in shekels.
  • On a busy Friday night with your guests, suddenly whip out a pack of cards and start a poker night at your table.
  • Donít dress like the other people in the restaurant. In fact, donít dress at all.
  • Find the jukebox and spend forty quarters to play "Louie, Louie" for two hours straight.
  • When through eating, just pass out on the table on your leftover mashed potatoes.
Submitted by Bruce, Carol Stream, Illinois

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Three Women were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, violent river.

Needing to get to the other side, the first woman prayed: 'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.'

Poof! ...God gave her big arms and strong legs and she was able to swim Across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second woman prayed: 'God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river'

Poof! ... God gave her a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and she was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two women, the third woman prayed: 'God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river.'

Poof! ... She was turned into a man. he checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

If at first you don't succeed, do it the way your husband told you to!'

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral of the story: Old men may move slow but can still think fast.

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A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.

 The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!' He slams the door and returns to bed.

'Who was that?' asked his wife.

'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.

'Did you help him?' she asks.

'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!'

'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down,

and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'

'Yes,' comes back the answer.

'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.

'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.

'Where are you?' asks the husband.

'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk.

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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A "heads up" for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers.

This one caught me by surprise.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to McDonald's. You agree and they get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen November 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th 29th.

Also December 1st and 23rd. It's very likely to happen again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful.

P.S. Wal Mart has wallets on sale 2.99 each if you need one or two.

Submitted by Don, Hagerstown, Md.

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Waterbed Showroom ... way to funny not to watch! - Download Video

Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.

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Migrating Hummingbirds

This is something I have never seen before, or ever even heard of. This lady lives in a Hummingbird fly zone. As they migrated, about 20 of them were in her yard. She took the little red dish, filled it with sugar water and this is the result.

The Woman is Abagail Alfano of Pine, Louisiana - she has been studying them daily and one morning put the cup from the feeder, with water in it, in her hand; as they had gotten used to her standing by the feeder they came over to her hand. She says in touching they are as light as a feather. Abagail also said, "If she had known her husband was taking pictures she would have put on makeup."

Submitted by my wife Audrey, Emmitsburg, MD.

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May 28th Humor Page