Humor Selections for May 23rd, 2008

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Do you have a bad boss? Here's how to tell...
  • On payday, he attaches your paycheck to the ceiling fan.
  • He allows only two bathroom breaks: One at 8:30 AM and one at 4:00 PM.
  • On his personal calendar you notice "bath" only every other Tuesday.
  • You notice that every time his "wife" calls in, it's a different person.
  • You cannot have a pet rock on your desk, but he keeps his two pit bulls chained in his office.
  • On snowy days he parks his BMW in the lobby.
  • His filing system is rather unique: He uses the I Ching method.
  • His personal secretaries all come from the temp agency and are under nineteen.
  • He suddenly leaves the office when the big boss shows up.
  • On his Pagan religious holidays, he takes two days off each. You have to come in on your holidays, like Christmas and Thanksgiving.
  • He gives you fifteen minutes to rush home and vote on election day.
  • He gets all of the latest computer equipment in his office. When you touch your equipment, you get a shock.
  • He makes you contribute to all of his children's fund raisers, while he just laughs at pictures of your children in hand-me-down clothing.
  • His carpeting is worn down from the edge of the green rug all the way into the cup.
  • You are told to go downstairs and buy him the liquor for him to mix in his coffee.
  • He is always visited at lunchtime by a new "niece".
  • Your lunch break is as long as he doesn't need you. Sometimes it is ten or fifteen minutes.
  • He does not realize that you need to go home every night before you return in the morning.
  • He keeps Piranhas in his fish tank.
  • He jokes to his associates about the low salaries he pays his employees, and how he pockets the extras in his 401K plan as extra income.

Submitted by Bruce, Carol Stream, Illinois

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To celebrate their 50th anniversary, a husband booked a round of golf for his wife ..

...and himself on a trip to famous old St. Andrews' Golf Course in Scotland.

On the third tee, the husband hesitated in teeing off and turned slowly to his wife and said contritely, "Darling, I have to confess something. Twenty years ago I had a brief affair. It meant nothing. I hope you can forgive me."

His wife was hurt but said, "Dearest, those days are long gone. What we have now is far more valuable. I forgive you."

They embraced and kissed.

On the seventeenth tee, the husband was starting his back swing when the wife blurted out, "I'm sorry, darling, I've been so conscience-stricken since you told me, but since we're being honest with each other, I have something to tell you also. Fifty-two years ago I had a sex change operation; I was a man before I met you. I hope you can forgive me.

The husband, froze at the top of his back swing, then threw a fit! He slammed the driver into the ground, kicked the ball into the woods, stormed off the tee, pushed the golf cart over on its side, broke the rest of his clubs one by one, then started on his wife's clubs.

He screamed and ranted, "You cheat ... you despicable deceiver! How could you? I trusted you with all my heart and soul...and all these years you've been playing off the ladies' tees?!"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye: $500 Porsche! New!

The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke, but thought it was worth a shot. So he went to the lady s house and sure enough, she had an almost brand new Porsche.

"Wow!" the man said. "Can I take it for a test drive?" Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly and took it back to the lady s house.

"Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?"

"My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me I could have the house and the furniture as long as I sold his Porsche and sent him the money."

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A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion.

The visiting hunter asked, "When did you bag him?"

The host said proudly, "That was three years ago, when I went hunting with my ex-wife."

"What's he stuffed with," asked the visiting hunter.

"My ex-wife" replied the hunter.

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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Recent Quips from Late Night - Take 71

"Anybody go down to the Crawford ranch for the big Jenna Bush wedding over the weekend? ... It was a lovely affair and God bless the kids. It's so nice so, sweet, romantic. But do you know there is a rice shortage? Are you aware of the fact you can't get rice in this country? So, when the wedding was over, they threw caramelized onions." --David Letterman

"Over the weekend in Texas, President Bush's daughter, Jenna, got married. Very nice, yeah. Afterwards, President Bush said, 'I haven't cried that much since Steve left 'Blues Clues.'' --Conan O'Brien

"Well, as reported, some Democrats are quietly sending word to Hillary that it's over. And Hillary's people said it's not over until the fat lady sings. To which Bill said, 'There's a fat lady? Where?'" --Jay Leno

"How about that presidential race? Hillary Clinton just won't quit. Can you believe that, ladies and gentlemen? You have to admire somebody who, against all odds, just won't quit. I mean, right now she has absolutely no chance whatsoever of being president, but she just won't quit. And they're running out of money. Hillary Clinton, God bless her, is running out of money. And today she was wearing a certified pre-owned pantsuit." --David Letterman

"Right now, this is interesting, director Oliver Stone is making a movie about President Bush that's called 'W.' Yeah. He's also making a movie about John McCain called 'No Country for Old Men.'" --Conan O'Brien

"No, Hillary Clinton said she will not give up, she will go to the convention, and she will win. And then the bartender said, 'Ma'am, it's 3:00, we're closing.' In fact, you hear Hillary's new slogan? 'I'm just in it now to annoy the hell out of everybody.'" --Jay Leno

"Political experts are saying the only thing that can stop Barack Obama now is a major sex scandal. And that's not gonna happen, because Barbara Walters said, 'He's way too young for me.'" --Jay Leno

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Place foot here... - Download Video

Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed.

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Best Nature Photo Awards by National Geographic - Take 2







Submitted by Dory, Pittsburgh, Pa.

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May 19th Humor Page