• You sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies.
• Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro.
• Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
• Your company logo on your badge is applied with stick-um.
• You order your business cards in "half orders" instead of whole boxes.
• When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie.
• You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.
• You learn about your layoff on CNN.
• Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes.
• You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.
• Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the Third World countries' annual budgets combined.
• You think lunch is just a meeting to which you drive.
• It's dark when you drive to and from work.
• Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else.
• Communication is something your group is having problems with.
• You see a good looking person and know they're a visitor.
• Free food left over from meetings is your main staple of your diet.
• Weekends are those days your significant other makes you stay home.
• Art involves a white board.
• You're already late on the assignment you just got.

Submitted by Donna, Emmitsburg, Md.
 

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• Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight, and bull-strong.
• Keep skunks, bankers, and lawyers at a distance.
• Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
• A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
• Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.
• Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
• Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
• Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
• It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
• You cannot unsay a cruel word.
• Every path has a few puddles.
• When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
• The best sermons are lived, not preached.
• Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen, anyway.
• Don't judge folks by their relatives.
• Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
• Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
• Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
• Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
• If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin '.
• Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
• The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'."
• Always drink upstream from the herd.
• Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
• Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
• If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
• Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

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... announcing the introduction of a new item to their menu: a "Left-Handed Whopper" specially designed for the 32 million left-handed Americans.

According to the advertisement, the new whopper included the same ingredients as the original Whopper (lettuce, tomato, hamburger patty, etc.), but all the condiments were rotated 180 degrees for the benefit of their left-handed customers.

The following day Burger King issued a follow-up release revealing that although the Left-Handed Whopper was a hoax, thousands of customers had gone into restaurants to request the new sandwich.

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1. have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.
2. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word.
3. 1 see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
4. Ahh, I see the screw up fairy has visited again.
5. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
6. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
7. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
8. Someday well look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
9. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
10. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet its hard to pronounce.
11. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
12. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
13. What am I? Flypaper for geeks?
14. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant. 
15. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of it.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. It's a thankless job, but I've got Karma to burn off.
18. No, my powers can be used only for good.
19. I'm really easy to get along with once people learn to worship me.
20. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
21. How about "never"? Is "never" good for you?

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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If you don't already think animals are far more spiritually advanced than we humans, think again.

Stuart Brown describes Norbert Rosing's striking images of a wild polar bear coming upon tethered sled dogs in the wilds of Canada 's Hudson Bay .

The photographer was sure that he was going to see the end of his dogs when the polar bear wandered in, but ...

May you always have love to share, health to spare, and friends that care

Submitted by Bob, Rockville, MD.
 

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April 30th Humor Page