Humor Selections for May 19th, 2008

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A plane is on its way to Houston when a blonde in economy class gets up ...

...and moves to the first class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here."

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde sitting in first class that belongs in economy and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here." the co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, "you say she is a blonde, I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde."

He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh,? I'm sorry." and she gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.? the flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he? Said to make her move without any fuss.

I told her, "first class isn't going to Houston."

Submitted by Donna, Emmitsburg, Md.

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Tips for a Better Life

  • Take a 10-30 minute walk every day. And while you walk, smile. It is the ultimate anti-depressant.
  • Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.
  • Buy a DVR and tape your late night shows and get more sleep.
  • When you wake up in the morning complete the following statement, 'My purpose is to __________ today.
  • Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm, and Empathy.
  • Play more games and read more books than you did in 2007.
  • Make time to practice meditation and prayer. They provide us with daily fuel for our busy lives.
  • Spend time with people over the age of 70 and under the age of 6.
  • Dream more while you are awake.
  • Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.
  • Drink green tea and plenty of water. Eat blueberries, wild Alaskan salmon, broccoli, almonds & walnuts.
  • Try to make at least three people smile each day.
  • Clear clutter from your house, your car, your desk and let new and flowing energy into your life.
  • Don't waste your precious energy on gossip, OR issues of the past, negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
  • Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
  • Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a college kid with a maxed out charge card.
  • Smile and laugh more. It will keep the NEGATIVE BLUES away.
  •  Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
  • Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
  • Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
  • You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
  • Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.
  • Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
  • No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
  • Frame every so-called disaster with these words: 'In five years, will this matter?'
  • Forgive everyone for everything.
  • What other people think of you is none of your business.
  • However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
  • Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
  • Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
  • Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
  • Always believe the best is yet to come.
  • No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
  • Do the right thing!
  • Call your family often. (Or email them to death!!!)
  • Each night before you go to bed complete the following statements: I am thankful for __________. Today I accomplished _________.
  • Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed.
  • Enjoy the ride. Remember this is not Disney World and you certainly don't want a fast pass.  You only have one ride through life so make the most of it and enjoy the ride.
Submitted by Former Emmitsburg Mayor, Ed.

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Signs that your company is going to be like Enron
  • Water faucets in the bathroom now stay on for only two seconds.
  • Paper towels are now brown instead of white.
  • Cafeteria is offering crackers and milk as an entree.
  • Locks on the upper floor windows are welded shut.
  • Annual company picnic is replaced by coupon for McDonalds.
  • All of the senior management voicemail have busy signals.
  • You have to pay the meter to use the employee parking lot.
  • Pension plan is replaced by lottery tickets.
  • Company main phone number becomes unlisted.
  • Recovery crews are always dredging the river next to the building.
  • All of the senior management have new Mercedes.
  • Bushes in front of the building replaced by barbed wire fencing.
  • Your firm hires a "company spokesman".
  • No one knows which city the CEO is staying in these days.
  • Company buys more stomach medicine than they do pens.
  • Company tries to change its name three times in the same year.
  • They hire security forces for upcoming shareholders meeting.
  • The same congressman who dedicated your building is now investigating it.
  • There are more anonymous names on the board of directors than those who are known.
  • Your paycheck is postdated a year.
Submitted by Bruce, Carol Stream, Illinois

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You live in the Deep South when...
  • You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
  • "ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.
  • After five years you still hear, "Ya ain't from 'round here, are ya?"
  • "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.
  • Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, etc.

You live in Colorado when...

  • You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
  • You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
  • A pass does not involve a football or dating.
  • The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You live in the Midwest when...

  • You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
  • Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
  • You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
  • You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
  • When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

You live in Florida when...

  • You eat dinner at 4:15 in the afternoon.
  • All purchases include a coupon of some kind - even houses and cars.
  • Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
  • Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
  • Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Cannibal One Liners
  • Two cannibals just finished a big meal and one turns to the other while rubbing his stomach with his fist and says, "You know, I just ate my mother-in-law, and she still doesn't agree with me!"
  • Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"
  • When do cannibals leave the table? When everyone's eaten.
  • Did you hear about the cannibal who loved fast food? He ordered a pizza with everybody on it.
  • What is a cannibal's favourite game? Swallow the leader.
  • What do cannibals make out of politicians? Bologna sandwiches.
  • What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner? The cold shoulder.
  • Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school for buttering up his teacher?
Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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A good laugh at our oh-so-dignified kooky kitties! - Download Video

Submitted by Vicki, Downingtown, PA.

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Best Nature Photo Awards by National Geographic - Take 1









Submitted by Dory, Pittsburgh, Pa.

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May 16th Humor Page