Humor Selections for May 16th, 2008

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New jokes posted on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.
Happily maintained  by the Community of Emmitsburg, MD.

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How to tell if your favorite grocery store is going to be shut down soon.
  • "Roach Motels" on first page of new sale flyer.
  • They spray you with insect repellent when you go in the store.
  • All of the carts were stolen from Ames.
  • The ATM used to be from Chase Bank. Now it is from "International Banque de Prune River Falls". Service charge $10.
  • They still are giving S&H Green stamps.
  • Automatic doors open the wrong way when you step on the mat.
  • The Muzak used to be the Beatles, now it is a mariachi station, but slightly off the frequency.
  • The butcher's apron has blood on it, but whose? All the local dogs and cats are missing from the neighborhood.
  • You notice that all of the bakery items are two-day-old from down the street at the Wonder Bread outlet.
  • All the prices are written by hand--and changed twice.
  • Occasional shrieking sounds coming from the back room.
  • The bathroom has one of those "Employees Must Wash Their Hands before returning to work" signs, but you cannot find any soap.
  • You notice through a window the store manager paying off a health inspector.
  • A New "Super Wal-Mart Coming" sign is put up across the street.
  • The parking lot is sinking back into the swamp it originally replaced.
  •  The pharmacy manager used to be the kid they arrested five times in the nineties for heroin possession. His old friends still come by and visit in the store after hours.

Submitted by Bruce, Carol Stream, Illinois

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Glossary of Horse Terms
  • Hock: Financial condition of all horse owners.
  • Stall: What your rig does at rush hour in an unfamiliar city on the way to a big horse show .
  • A Bit: What you have left in your pocket after you've been to your favorite tack shop.
  • Fence: Decorative structure built to provide your horse with something to chew on.
  • Horse Auction: What you think of having after your horse bucks you off.
  • Pinto: Green coat pattern found on freshly washed light colored horses left unattended for 2 minutes.
  • Well Mannered: Hasn't stepped on, bitten, or kicked anyone for a week.
  • Rasp: Abrasive metal tool used to remove excess skin from ones knuckles.
  • Lunging: Popular training method in which a horse exercises their owner by spinning them in circles until dizzy.
  • Gallop: Customary gait a horse chooses when returning back to the barn.
  • Nicely Started: Lunges, but not enough health insurance to even think about riding him.
  • Colic: Gastrointestinal result of eating at horse fair food stands.
  • Colt: What your mare gives you when you want a filly.
  • Easy to Load: Only takes 3 hours, 4 men, a 50lb bag of oats, and a tractor with loader.
  • Easy to Catch: In a 10x10 stall.
  • Easy Rider: Rides good in a trailer; not to be confused with "ride-able".
  • Endurance Ride: End result when your horse spooks and runs away with you.
  • Hives: What you get when receive the vet bill for your 6 horses, 3 dogs, 4 cats, and 1 donkey.
  • Hobbles: Walking gait of a horse owner after their foot has been stepped on by their horse.
  • Feed: Expensive substance used to manufacture manure.
  • Dog House: What you are in when you spend too much money on grooming supplies and pretty halters.
  • Light Cribber: We can't afford to build anymore fencing or box stalls for this buzz saw on four legs.
  • Three Gaited Horse: A horse that. 1) trips, 2) stumbles, 3) falls.
Submitted by Audrey, Emmitsburg, Md.

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We are concerned about your internet addiction.

At Internetaholics Anonymous, we can help.

Yes, you--we're talking to you. You, looking at this screen for hours on end, online. You, bleary eyed. You, an addict. Have you looked in the mirror lately? Been outside? Know what day of the week it is? Have you checked downstairs to see if your family still lives with you?

We're a non-profit society of recovering addicts like yourself that provides support and counseling through weekly (off-line) meetings designed to help you cope with your problem.

We feature a twelve-step recovery program and in extreme cases, interventions. Although it is our firm belief that you are never "cured," you most certainly can recover.

We have designed a brief checklist to determine if you are an addict. Do you:

  • Have twitches of the hand when you walk by your terminal?
  • Check e-mail more than five times a day?
  • Spend more time chatting than eating or sleeping?
  • Surf aimlessly with no direction, if only to be online?
  • Leave your name and information at countless sites if only to hope you'll receive a reply one day from a company you'll never do business with anyway?
  • Log on before important personal habits, such as meal preparation, hygiene or bodily functions?
  • Have red, swollen eyes that hang halfway out of your head?
  • Spend hours online on a holiday from work, where you'd usually be griping about your carpal tunnel syndrome?
  • See smoke arising from your computer or WebTV box?
  • All of the above?

If you answered yes to four or more questions (or chose #10), you have a problem. Please call us at Internetaholics Anonymous at:


We're here, we're free, and we're confidential. The first step to recovery is admission that you have a problem.

Call us today. That is, if you can power off to free up your phone line.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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"You know you're a redneck when......
  • You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
  • You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
  • Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
  • You burn your yard rather than mow it.
  • The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
  • You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
  • You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
  • You come back from the dump with more than you took.
  • You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
  • Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
  • Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
  • You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
  • You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
  • You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
  • You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
  • You have a rag for a gas cap.
  • Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
  • You wonder how service stations keep their rest-room's so clean.
  • You can spit without opening your mouth.
  • You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
  • Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
  • You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.
  • The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
  • Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
  • You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
  • A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.
  • You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
  • You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
Submitted by Bill, Gettysburg, Pa.

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If you think training a dog to walk without a leash is hard ... Download Video

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia

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You want me to do what??  The look on this dog's face is priceless...


Submitted by Jay, Long Island, NY.

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May 14th Humor Page