Humor Selections for March 7th, 2008

     My Little Sister's Jokes > Recent Addition List

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A man was waiting at an intersection for a circus to pass by...

He saw a sign on one of the wagons that read:

"Barney's Circus with Fifty Elephants."

He counted the elephants as they crossed the intersection. When he got to fifty, he put his car in gear and started to cross the intersection because he was late for an appointment.

Unfortunately, he had miscounted and his car hit and killed the last elephant.

A week later he got a notice from the circus that he'd have to pay $200,000. He called the circus manager and inquired, "What's the deal? I only killed one lousy elephant! Why do you want $200,000?"

The manager responded, "It's true, you only killed one elephant, but you pulled the tails out of forty-nine others!"

Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.

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Recent Quips from Late Night - Take 62

You all enjoy the Academy Awards last night? ... I thought Jon Stewart did a great job. He did a great job. You know, the Oscars are broadcast in over 100 different countries, three of which actually like us." --Jay Leno

"This just in, ladies and gentlemen, Barack Obama says he has a plan for getting us out of the Academy Awards. ... The show was very long. And I always think it takes a lot of nerve for a show that's four and a half hours to give an award for editing. ... I mean, the thing was so long and so dull, I thought I was hosting" --David Letterman

"Things getting nasty now between the Clinton and Obama campaigns. They've been so civil for a while. Now it's getting nasty. Check this out, Hillary Clinton's campaign has been circulating a photo of Barack Obama wearing a traditional Somali dress. Meanwhile, Obama's campaign has been circulating a photo of Hillary wearing a traditional Somali pantsuit." --Conan O'Brien

"In political news, Ralph Nader has decided to run for president. Well, you thought Mike Huckabee didn't know when to quit, huh? There you go. In fact, Ralph Nader's campaign slogan -- 'It's me again.'" --Jay Leno

"Yesterday, Ralph Nader announced he's running for president again. Immediately after the announcement, the guy sitting next to Nader on the park bench told him to shut up." --Conan O'Brien

"Oh, and Barack Obama made another woman faint today. The bad news, it was Hillary when she saw the poll numbers." --Jay Leno

"This weekend, Fidel Castro, who is 81 years old, resigned from the presidency of Cuba and was replaced by his brother Raul, who is 76. Yeah, afterwards, Castro said, 'I wanted to give the kid a chance'" --Conan O'Brien

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

When the postal authorities received the letter to God, USA , they decided to send it to the President.

The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.

The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

Dear God:

Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC., and those assholes deducted $95.00 in taxes.

Submitted by Jay, Long Island, NY

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Job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Wal-Mart in Arkansas.

(or supposedly so) They hired him because he was so funny.....

NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Old Bastard)

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate).

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.


LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.



PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment .

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?


DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.



Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, FL

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A man with a gun went into a bank and demanded their money.

Once he was given the money, he turned to a customer and asked, 'Did you see me rob this bank?'

The man replied, 'Yes sir, I did.'

The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly.

He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, 'Did you see me rob this bank?'

The man replied, 'No sir, I didn't, but my wife did.'

Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.

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Why you shouldn't wear those stupid ear phones... Download Video

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, PA.

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It's taken me ages to get the permits through...

..., but now I have completed the block of units and they're ready to rent out.

Submitted by Lindesay, Melbourne Australia ... Just yesterday!

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