Humor Selections for March 31st, 2008

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You may find this helpful around the house/garage...
  • Drill press: a tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your soda across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.
  • Wire wheel: cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'yeouw....'
  • Electric hand drill: normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, or for perforating something behind and beyond the original intended target object.
  • Skil saw: a portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
  • Pliers: used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
  • Belt sander: an electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. Caution: avoid using for manicures.
  • Hacksaw: one of a family of cutting tools built for frustration enhancement. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
  • Vise-grips: generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
  • Welding gloves: heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
  • Oxyacetylene torch: used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
  • Whitworth sockets: once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.
  • Table saw: a large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
  • Hydraulic floor jack: used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
  • Eight-foot long yellow pine 4x4: used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.
  • Tweezers: a tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.
  • E-z out bolt and stud extractor: a tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.
  • Radial arm saw: a large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.
  • Two-ton engine hoist: a tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
  • Craftsman 1/2 x 24-inch screwdriver: a very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
  • Aviation metal snips: see hacksaw.
  • Trouble light: the home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin d, 'the sunshine vitamin,' which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40- watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the battle of the bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading. The accessory socket within the base, has been permanently rendered useless, unless requiring a source of 117vac power to shock the mechanic
  • Senseless.
  • Phillips screwdriver: normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids, opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
  • Straight screwdriver: a tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.
  • Air compressor: a machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago pneumatic impact gun that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 40 years ago by someone at VW, and instantly rounds
  • Off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.
  • Pry bar: a tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
  • Hose cutter: a tool used to make hoses too short.
  • Hammer: originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit.
  • Mechanic's knife: used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. It is also useful for removing large chunks of human flesh from the user's hands.
  • Dammit tool: (i have lot's of these) any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'dammit' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need after a really big hammer
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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A man was sitting alone in his study one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray.

"And what will your third wish be?"

The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?"

"You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing; because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left."

"Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the heck. I've always wanted to understand women. I'd love to know what's going on inside their heads."

"Funny," said the genie "that was your first wish, too!"

Submitted by John, Emmitsburg, Md.

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Dear staff,

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown Of economy since last Christmas, Management decided to implement a Scheme to put workers of 40 years of age on early retirement. This Scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be Eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW Scheme (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants or Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by management.

Persons staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount Of SHIT it gives employees.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring it to the attention of your Supervisors. They have been trained to give you All the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely, Management

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia

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Being Irish Means....
  • you will never play professional basketball
  • you swear very well
  • at least one of your cousins holds political office
  • you think you sing very well
  • you have no idea how to make a long story short
  • you are very good at playing a lot of very bad golf
  • there isn't a huge difference between losing your temper and killing someone
  • much of your food was boiled
  • you have never hit your head on the ceiling
  • you spent a good portion of your childhood kneeling
  • you're strangely poetic after a few beers
  • you're poetic a lot
  • you will be punched for no good reason...a lot
  • some punches directed at you are legacies from past generations
  • your sister will punch you because your brother punched her
  • many of your sisters are Catherine, Elizabeth or Mary...and one is Mary Catherine Elizabeth
  • someone in your family is incredibly cheap
  • it is more than likely you
  • you don't know the words but that doesn't stop you from singing
  • you can't wait for the other guy to stop talking so you can start talking
  • "Irish Stew" is the euphemism for "boiled leftovers from the fridge"
  • you're not nearly as funny as you think you are, but what you lack in
  • talent, you make up for in frequency
  • there wasn't a huge difference between your last wake and your last kegger party
  • you are, or know someone, named "Murph"
  • if you don't know Murph, then you know "Mac"
  • if you don't know Murph or Mac, then you know "Sully"
  • you'll probably also know Sully McMurphy
  • you are genetically incapable of keeping a secret
  • your parents were on a first name basis with everyone at the local emergency room and last but not least... Being Irish means...
  • your attention span is so short that---oh, forget it.

Submitted by Jay, Long Island, NY.

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Amazing technology from Japan. . .


Look closely and guess what they could be...


Are they pens with cameras?


Any wild guesses? No clue yet? Ladies and gentlemen... congratulations! You've just looked into the future... yep that's right! You've just seen something that will replace your PC in the near future.

Here is how it works:



In the revolution of miniature computers, scientists have made great developments with bluetooth technology...

This is the forthcoming computers you can carry within your pockets


This 'pen sort of instrument' produces both the monitor as well as the keyboard on any flat surfaces from where you can carry out functions you would normally do on your desktop computer.


Can anyone say, 'Good-bye laptops!' Looks like our computers are out of date... again!!!

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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March 28th Humor Page