Humor Selections for March 3rd, 2008

     My Little Sister's Jokes > Recent Addition List

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A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring...

... when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

  1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
  2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose ..
  3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
  4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
  5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear.

He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.

He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step.

Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.

Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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A Sunday school teacher was giving her class the assignment for the next week.

"Next Sunday," she said, "we are going to talk about liars, and in preparation for our lesson I want you all to read the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark."

The following week, at the beginning of the class meeting, the teacher said, "Now then, all of you who have prepared for the lesson by reading the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark, please step to the front of the room."

About half the class rose and came forward.

"The rest of you may leave," said the teacher, "these students are the ones I want to talk to. There is no Seventeenth Chapter in the Book of Mark."

Submitted by Pastor Jon, Emmitsburg, Md.

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Recent Quips from Late Night - Take 61

Actually, political experts say that Mitt Romney has the No. 1 thing John McCain is looking for in a vice presidential candidate - an organ donor card." --Jay Leno

"President Bush says if John McCain is the Republican nominee, he will campaign for him. Well, you can't do better than that." --David Letterman

"Former President George H.W. Bush will endorse Senator John McCain for president. They have been close friends since the Civil War and the former president says that John McCain is the only candidate who has the strength, the leadership and the vision to dig America out of this giant hole his son has put us in." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Did you see Roger Clemens testifying this week before Congress? One congressman named Elijah Cummings called Clemens, "One of my heroes," and then called him a liar. So, I guess that's what makes you a hero to a congressman pretty much." --Jay Leno

"This week in Sacramento, Mexican President Felipe Calderon spoke to California lawmakers. And out of force of habit, they gave him a driver's license." --Jay Leno

"On Bill O'Reilly's show on Fox, Bill O'Reilly does a segment he calls 'Pinhead or Patriot.' And today President Bush said, 'Well, why can't you be both?'" --Jay Leno

Also submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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More Laws of Work
  • A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.
  • Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
  • The more of it you put up with, the more of it you're going to get.
  • You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
  • Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
  • Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.
  • When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
  • If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a darn fool about it.

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A man walks into shul with a dog. The shammas comes up to him and says...

..., "Pardo n me, this is a House of Worship, you can't bring your dog in here."

"What do you mean," says the man,"this is a Jewish dog. Look."

And the shammas looks carefully and sees, that in the same way that a St. Bernard carries a brandy barrel round its neck, this dog has a tallis bag round its neck.

"Rover," says the man, "kipa!".

"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a kipa and puts it on his head.

"Rover," says the man, "tallis!".

"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a tallis and puts it round his neck.

"Rover," says the man, "daven!"

"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a siddur and starts to daven.

"That's fantastic," says the shammas, "absolutely amazing, incredible! You should take him to Hollywood , get him on television, get him in the movies, he could make millions of dollars!!

"You speak to him," says the man, "he wants to be a doctor."

Submitted by Vicki, Downingtown, PA.

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Things only a guy would do ...

Submitted by My Little Brother Bill, Ardmore, PA

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Feb 29th Humor Page