Humor Selections for March 28th, 2008

     My Little Sister's Jokes > Recent Addition List

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You know you're from Arkansas when... 
  • There are no men in church on the first day of deer season
  • There is only one Catholic church in your county.
  • Thanksgiving dinner includes "polk greens" and no one really knows what it is.
  • During the summer, you can run out of food and not go shopping for a week because everyone you know invited you to a "fish fry".
  • You regularly attend "fish fries".
  • Those "You might be a redneck jokes" apply to you or someone you know.
  • Everyone knows what chicken wire is.
  • You say words like "herebouts" as in "she must not be from herebouts".
  • You can experience all four seasons in the same week.
  • The cheerleaders win more awards than the football team.
  • It goes from 70 degrees to 45 in three hours.
  • After prom you wind up in one of two places, the bowling alley or IHOP.
  • You use use phrases like "wind up" to describe where you end up.
  • The most popular place to be after a football game is Wal-Mart (please bring cameras).
  • You say "simular" instead of "similar".
  • Everyone you know owns a pick-up truck.
  • A '65 Mustang is the equivalent to the Hope diamond.
  • NASCAR and home state college football are practiced religions.
  • Instead of discussing the finer points of the porche and ferrari, you hear shouting matches about who makes a better truck, Ford or Chevy.
  • You either live on a farm or know someone who does.
  • The marching band is just as important as the football team. 
  • The band members are usually considered more cool than the football players.
  • You know at least 10 people who go by their middle name.
  • You think think Anit-semitism is a form of cement decay.
  • You know why America should be afraid of Huckabee becoming president.
  • You know how to spell "yawmpto" and what it means.
  • Every Latino is a "Mexican" regardless of where they are actually from.
  • You "bake" potatoes on the grill.
  • Grilling is not only a pastime, it's a sport, or a way of life, depending on what region you're in.
  • In the winter, you hate the rain, and in the summer, you forget what it is.
  • The tornado siren is your signal to go outside and look for a funnel.
  • Nobody says a word when someone wheres a chicken suit to school.
  • Hunting season is a valid reason to skip school.
  • You know what to fear more, a serial killer or a hillbilly.  (case and point, you don't go up into the mountains alone.....period)
  • If someone says they're going to take you to the "bottoms", you run the other way.  (for you northerners, this would be the equivalent of an Italian saying they're going to take you to the docks)
  • You don't go to the bottoms by yourself....period.
  • You know what snipe hunting is.
  • You know what frog gigging is.
  • You have gone "cow tipping".
  • You never insult your elders to their face until you've learned words that they don't know.
  • You know what cantankerous means.
  • You've had a "coniption".
  • You have more than one gun rack.
  • You have been to a "shot-gun" wedding. (this didn't necessarily mean the bride was pregnant)
  • know someone who's parents are related.

Submitted by Kellie and Kris somewhere in Arkansas

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Not the brightest bulbs in the lamp ...
  • They told me to meet them at the corner of "WALK" and "ONE WAY."
  • at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here", they put "Sagittarius."
  • They asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
  • They studied for a blood test.
  • They thought they needed a token to get on "Soul Train."
  • They sold the car for gas money!
  • When they missed the 44 bus, they took the 22 bus twice instead.
  • When they went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," they turned around and went home.
  • When they heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, they moved.
  • They think Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
  • If they spoke her mind, they'd be speechless.
  • They thought that they could not use their AM radio in the evening.
  • They had a shirt that said "TGIF," which they thought stood for: This Goes In Front.
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Tips for us ladies in year 2008
  • Aspire to be Barbie - the bitch has everything.
  • If the shoe fits - buy one in every color.
  • Take life with a pinch of salt... a wedge of lime, and a shot of tequila
  • In need of a support group? - Cocktail hour with the girls!
  • Go on the 30 day diet. (I'm on it and so far I've lost 15 days).
  • When life gets you down - just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.
  • Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS and this is just my personality.
  • I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here.
  • Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
  • Don't get your knickers in a knot, it solves nothing; and makes you walk funny.
  • When life gives you lemons in 2008 - turn it into lemonade then mix it with vodka.
  • Remember every good looking; sweet, single male is someone else's ex boyfriend!
Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia

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A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair...

... she lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior, "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."

"It was ," sighed the Sister." And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."

"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"

"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"

"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"

"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!"

"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"

"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"

"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized the Mother.

"But I didn't, Mother!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"

"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile. "Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling,

and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said... "You missed the ******* putt, didn't you?"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Top 4 idiots of the year - Download Video 1, 2, 3, 4

Submitted by my little brother Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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Media Release: IKEA has announced its intention to start selling cars


And of course they send along the only tool you'll need!



Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia

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March 26th Humor Page