Humor Selections for March 26th, 2008

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More Signs of the Times
  • At restaurant-gas stations throughout the nation: "Eat here and get gas."
  • At a Sante Fe gas station: "We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container."
  • In a New Hampshire jewelry store: "Ears pierced while you wait."
  • In an New York restaurant: "Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager."
  • In a Michigan restaurant: "The early bird gets the worm! Special shoppers' luncheon before 11:00 AM."
  • On a delicatessen wall: "Our best is none too good."
  • On the wall of a Baltimore estate: "Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law -- Sisters of Mercy"
  • On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaning store: "Thirty-eight years on the same spot."
  • In a Los Angeles dance hall: "Good clean dancing every night but Sunday."
  • On a movie theater: "Children's matinee today. Adults not admitted unless with child."
  • In a Florida maternity ward: "No children allowed!"
  • In a New York drugstore: "We dispense with accuracy.

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A man walks into the sheriff's office... "I want to become a deputy!"

"Good, I want to you to catch this man" says the sheriff handling the man a wanted poster.

The poster reads : 'Last seen wearing a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper pants, and brown paper boots.'

"What's he wanted for?" asked the hopeful young man.


Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Ben Franklin once said:

"In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria."

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces.

In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop. However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine and beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health

Therefore, it is better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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Recent Quips from Late Night - Take 63

A Happy St. Patrick's Day to everybody! Amazing, over 300 sober people. You never see that on St. Patrick's Day. Everybody's wearing green. The only place you didn't see any green today, Wall Street." --Jay Leno

"Another political sex scandal in the New York area in the papers today. Unbelievable what's going on lately. This is the latest. A man who used to be the chauffeur for New Jersey's former governor, Jim McGreevey, is claiming that he used to have three-way sex with McGreevy and his wife. Yeah. True story. When asked about it, McGreevey said, 'That's a lie. I would never have had sex with my wife.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Governor Spitzer of New York officially, who officially resigned today has got more problems, because they're now saying he spent thousands of dollars on these prostitutes and tried to make it look like a legitimate expense. Yeah, yeah. Like after he had sex with them, he'd make the hooker go out and fix a pothole." --Jay Leno

"It was an exciting day up in Albany. At the governor's mansion earlier today, women were outside of the governor's mansion wearing buttons that read 'Kiss me, I'm $4,000.'" --David Letterman

"And then, of course, more news on the Spitzer scandal. It was reported today that the prostitute in the Eliot Spitzer scandal also had sex with Charlie Sheen. When asked about it, Sheen said, 'Hey, she's a prostitute, I'm Charlie Sheen, it was bound to happen'" --Conan O'Brien

"Hillary Clinton, hard at work campaigning today. That's right. Today, Hillary Clinton said that the war would end up costing $1 trillion. Hillary wasn't talking about Iraq. She was talking about her war with Barack Obama." --Conan O'Brien

"But President Bush is concerned about the economy. He admitted today that the economy is a little sluggish, a little sluggish right now. The same way Elvis is a little sluggish right now, too. Elvis can't come out, he's a little sluggish." --David Letterman

"They were celebrating St. Patrick's Day down in Washington and, of course, President Bush was so confused. He comes out on the White House lawn and pardons the corned beef. " --David Letterman

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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There once was a rich man who was near death.

He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him.

The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter.

Seeing the suitcase St. Peter says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"

But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."

St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought blocks for the pavement?"


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Getting Old Sucks ...





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March 24th Humor Page