Humor Selections for March 24th, 2008

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After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.

"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $250.00.

"That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $130.00. "That's still quite a bit," Tim complained.

Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $50.00 bottle. "What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something really cheap and nasty."

The clerk handed him a mirror.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Did They Mean to Say That
  • On a New York loft building: "Wanted: Woman to sew buttons on the fourth floor."
  • In a New Hampshire medical building: "Martin Diabetes Professional Ass."
  • In the office of a loan company: "Ask about our plans for owning your home."
  • In a New York medical building: "Mental health prevention center."
  • In a toy department: "Five Santa Clauses -- no waiting."
  • On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."
  • On a Maine shop: "Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.
  • At a number of military bases: "Restraicted to unauthorized personnel."
  • In a number of parking areas: "Violators will be enforced and Trespassers will be violated."
  • On a display of "I Love You Only" Valentine cards: "Now available in multi-packs."
  • In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: "Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machines do the dirty work."
  • In a funeral parlor: "Ask about our layaway plan.
  • On a window of a New Hampshire hamburger restaurant: "Yes, we are open. Sorry for the inconvenience."
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, PA.

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An elderly Jewish man has just moved to a new town...

..., when he is taken ill and decides that he needs to see a doctor.

In the waiting room at the surgery, he tries to find out a bit about the doctor. He asks the man sitting next to him if the doctor is a specialist. The man replies that the doctor specializes in everything.

The Jewish man thinks about this and looks nervous. He asks the man if the doctor's fees are expensive. The man says:

"Well, he is and he isn't. You see, he charges you one thousand dollars for your first visit.

The Jewish man looks even more worried now and exclaims in amazement, "A thousand dollars?"

The man replies, "Yes, but all your visits after that for the rest of your life are free!"

The Jewish man thinks about this, and then gets called by the nurse to go in to see the doctor.

On entering the doctor's office he says casually,

"Hello doctor, here I am again!"

Submitted by Bob, Rockville, MD.

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A mother and a baby camel were talking one day when the baby camel asked...

..., "Mom, why do we have these huge three-toed feet?"

The mother replied, "Well son, when we trek across the desert, our toes will help us stay on top of the soft sand."

Two minutes later the young camel asked, "Mom, why do we have these long eyelashes?"

They are there to keep the sand out of our eyes on the trips through the desert," the mother said.

"Mom, why have we got these great big humps on our back?"

"They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods of time."

"So we have huge feet to stop us from sinking, long eyelashes to keep the sand out of our eyes, and these humps to store water."

"Yes dear," said the mother.

"So why are we in the San Diego Zoo?"

Also submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Last Sunday, my three year granddaughter was baptized.

Her mother had explained to her, that by being baptized, Jesus would know who she was, and she could go to heaven. She told her that the pastors of her church would be putting some water on her head, symbolic to what John the Baptist did to Jesus. Well the day of the baptism went as can be expected for a three year old, she was not too happy, but on the way home in the car, she announced, "When I get home, Iím going to baptize Peter Pan (our pet)." Her mom explained to her that animals do not get baptized, but she answered, "If I have to go the heaven, the catís going with me."

  • My youngest granddaughter, Domenique can cry real tears for no reason. As her mother was getting her ready for church, she was combing her hair, and Domenique was crying, saying that it "really" hurt, that done, then it was time for her mother to put her ear rings in, she has had pierced ears since she was born, so at three, we know they really donít hurt being put in, but Domenique is crying alittle any way. My daughter says to her, do you want to look nice? And Domenique answers that yes, she did, and my daughter says to her, sometimes, beauty is painful. At church, Domenique sees her cousin, Julia who is about 4 months older that her. Domenique says to her, "You look beautiful Julia, are you in a lot of pain?"
  • As my three year old granddaughter was cleaning up her toys from her bath, she noticed that her baby doll was "peeing", and commented to her mother that her baby doll was a girl baby, because she had a vagina, she then said to her mother "I donít have any boy baby dolls, right? None of them have peanuts"
  • My three granddaughters were playing on the beach, two were three years old, and one was five. My one daughter came down, and said to one of the three years olds "Domenique, is that a new bathing suit?" Domenique answers "Yes, Aunt Monica, it is." Aunt Monica asks her "Itís very pretty, where did you get it?" Domenique answers, "My Pop-pop got it for me at Wawa." Aunt Monica, "Wawa? I didnít know they sell clothes there!" Domenique, "Yes, way in the back." And of course, the other three year old got her bathing suit at Food Lion, and the five year got hers at McDonalds.

Submitted by Lyndal, Middletown, De.

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Submitted by Audrey, Emmitsburg, Md.

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