Humor Selections for March 21st, 2008

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Why you always feel smarter after a few beers...

In one episode of "Cheers", Cliff is seated at the bar describing the Buffalo Theory to his buddy, Norm. I don't think I've ever heard the concept explained any better than this:

"Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the heard is hunted, it is the lowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers."


Submitted by Don, Hagerstown, Md.

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Signs That Things are Weird
  • In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
  • In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits - $10.00 - They won't last an hour!"
  • On an Indiana shopping mall marquee: "Archery tournament. Ears pierced."
  • In the bathroom of a large apartment building: "When taking showers, please leave the bathroom door a jar. This will prevent the plaster from peeling."
  • Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques."
  • On a North Carolina highway: "EAT -- 300 FEET"
  • On an Ohio highway: "Drive slower When Wet."
  • On a New Hampshire highway: "You are speeding when flashing."
  • On a Pennsylvania highway: "Drive carefully: Auto accidents kill most people from 15 to 19."
  • In downtown Boston: "Calahan Tunnel/No. End."
  • In the window of an Oregon general store: "Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?"
  • In a Massachusetts parking area reserved for birdwatchers: "Parking for birds only."
  • In a New Jersey restaurant: "Open 11:00 AM to 11:00 PM Midnight."
  • In front of a New Hampshire restaurant: "Now serving live lobsters."
  • In front of a New Hampshire store: "Endurable floors."
  • On a radiator repair garage: "Best place too take a leak."

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A policeman is driving along the road when he gets an urgent message ...

... on his radio telling him there has been a dead body found in an ice cream van just down the road.

He rushes to the scene where he discovers a man's body, with chocolate flakes up each nostril, raspberry sauce all over his head and he is covered from head to toe in hundreds and thousands.

A puzzled onlooker asks the policeman what he thinks has happened, to which the policeman replies:

"It looks like he's topped himself"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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A football player had an eye gouged out during a particularly violent game.

Inspired by his coach's pep talks he refuses to give up the game and has a glass eye fitted. Although he is still able to play football, he knows that he is not the same player he was before. Also, off the field he is having a hard time adjusting, he constantly feels self conscious about the glass eye.

His doctor gives him the good news that complete eye transplants are now possible. But the bad news is that there's a chronic lack of donors and the waiting list is about five years.

One night, driving down the Pacific Coast Highway, his glass eye fails to detect a guy trying to go around his car on a motorcycle. He changes lanes and sends the motorcycle flying.

It's late at night and nobody's around and it's clear to the football player that the cyclist is dead. He makes a quick decision and cuts out one of the cyclists eyes with his pen knife. He figures if he rushes it to his surgeon he'll be able to perform the transplant. Before he leaves he pops out his glass eye and places it in the cyclist's eye socket.

Everything is fine for a few weeks, his new eye is working perfectly. But he starts to worry about the cyclist. Everything had happened so fast - what if he wasn't dead after all?

He decided to call the local police station and enquire about the accident.

"Yes, the poor fellow was dead alright," said the officer, "but it's still all very mysterious."

The guy felt a chill of fear run up and down his spine,

"Mysterious?" he asked.

"Yeah, how the hell did he manage to ride his bike all the way up here from Los Angeles with two glass eyes?"

Submitted by Bob, Rockville, MD.

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More notes written by parents to excuse their children's absences from school.
  • Please excuse my son's tardiness. I forgot to wake him up and I did not find him till I started making the beds.
  • Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend a funeral.
  • My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent the weekend with the Marine's.
  • Please excuse Mary from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
  • Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
  • Please excuse Burma, she had been sick and under the doctor.
  • Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be the flu going around school, her father even got hot last night.

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Chinese "Blue Angels" - Download Video (and no, I don't know how they do it, or even if it's real!)

Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed.

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Another Australian out for a stroll...

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia

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March 17th Humor Page