Humor Selections for March 14th, 2008

     My Little Sister's Jokes > Recent Addition List

New jokes posted on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.
Happily maintained  by the Community of Emmitsburg, MD.

Help us build our joke and story bank.
E-mail us at:

Oath of Enlistments


"I, (State your name here) swear to sign away 4 years of my otherwise mediocre life to the UNITED STATES ARMY because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB to get into the Air Force, I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy wouldn't take me because I can't swim. I swear to wear camouflage every day and tuck me trousers into my boots because I can't figure out how to use blousing straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a date. I will continue to tell myself that I am a fierce killing machine because my Drill Sergeant told me I am. I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and vow to maintain that is because I scored perfect on my PT test. After completion of"basic training" I will a different Army school every other month and return knowing less than I did when I left. On my first trip back home from boot camp, I will walk around like I am cool and propose to my 9Th grade sweetheart. I will make my wife stay at home because if I let her out, she might leave me for a better-looking Air Force guy. Should she leave me twelve times, I will continue to take her back. While at work, I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive to work at 1000 hours because of morning PT and leave at 1300 to report back to "COMPANY." I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a job upon separation, and will end up working construction with my friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I can't pass a placement exam. So Help Me God"

   __________________            /    / __ 
           Signature                    Date


"I (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my to the UNITED STATES AIR FORCE because I know that I couldn't hack it in the Army, because the Marines frighten me, and because I am afraid of water over waist-deep. I swear to sit behind a desk. I also swear not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bike-riding test as a valid form of exercise. I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I find it amusing to annoy the other services. I will have a better quality of life than those around me and will, at all times, be sure to make them aware of the fact. After completion of "Basic Training", I will be a lean, mean,donut-eating, Lazy-Boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, Chair-Borne Ranger. I will believe that I am superior to all others and will make an effort to clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back. I will annoy those around me, and will go home early everyday. So Help Me God!"

   __________________            /    / __ 
           Signature                    Date


"I (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my life to UNITED STATES COAST GUARD because I know that being in the real military scares me. However, I swear to defend our position as the fifth branch of the Armed Services, although at one point we were under the Department of Homeland Security. i understand that at least twice a day, someone will refer to me as a member of the Air Force or Navy, and when I correct them, they will question my military status. I will work on boats the size of kayaks and small yachts during the worst of nature's storm, and receive no thanks or notice from the public. I will fly in helos into the eye of the storm to rescue people dumber then rocks and then be heckled by then same people when I bust them for transporting drugs two months later! I will prevent thousands of gallons of pollution, but be accused of impeding the economy when I won't allow vessels to pour oil into the ocean. I will be the red-headed stepchild to all the other services, although I know that I got the better deal. All of my equipment will be discarded Navy property. I will use most of my time in the Coast Guard to take college classes, and perfect my web surfing abilities, then complain that I work too much. I will perfect avoiding PT at all costs, and do my best to attend training that will give me a great competitive edge in the career field of my choice, making retention efforts of the Coast Guard pointless. I will in contact with so many pollutants during my tenure, I will glow in the dark for the rest of my life and refer to myself as "salty" because of it. I will do my best to work 8 to 3, with a 2 hour lunch, on normal days, and have my pager and cell phone surgically attached. So Help Me God!"

   __________________            /    / __ 
           Signature                    Date


"I Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES NAVY, because I want to hang out with Marines, without actually having to BE one of them, because I think that the Air Force is too "corporate" because I didn't want to actually live in the dirt like the Army and because I thought, "Hey, I like to swim....why not?"

I promise to wear clothes that went out of style in 1976 and to have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor Man during the summer, and for a Nazi Waffen SS in the winter. I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English-speaking world, using words like "deck, bulkhead, cover, gee dunk, scuttlebutt, scuttle and head" when I really mean "floor, wall, hat, candy, water fountain, hole in the wall, and toilet". I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, rank, and insignia and everything else for that matter, are completely different than the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever. I will muster, whatever that is, at 0700 every morning unless I am a buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930. I vow to hone my coffee cup-handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon, and still not spill a drop. I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice per physical year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick and quite possibly illegal, whims of my new found "colleagues." So Help Me Neptune!"

   __________________            /    / __ 
           Signature                    Date


"I (pick a name that the police won't recognize), swear..uhh...high-and-tight...grunt...cammies....kill...fix bayonets...charge..slash...dig...burn....blowup...ugh...Air Force wife...air strikes....yes SIR!....whiskey...liberty call...salute...Ooorah Gunny...grenades..women...OORAH! So Help Me Chesty PULLER!"

______________    ____________________
   Thumb print               Teeth Marks

Submitted by Anna, Sheffield, Vt.

Return to: Top of Page, Clean Joke List, My Little Sister's Jokes,

By all Means... Marry!
  • I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. David Bissonette
  • When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. Sacha Guitry
  • After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. Hemant Joshi
  • By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates
  • Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. Dumas
  • The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want? Sigmund Freud
  • I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. Anonymous
  • "Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week.
  • A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." Henny Youngman
  • "I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years." Sam Kinison
  • "There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage." James Holt McGavran
  • "I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't." Patrick Murray
  • Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up. Nash
  • The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it ONCE... Anonymous
  • You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. Henny Youngman
  • My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. Rodney Dangerfield
  • A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. Milton Berle
  • A son asked his Dad how much it costs to get married. His Dad replied: "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, FL

Return to: Top of Page, List of Jokes About Marriage, My Little Sister's Jokes,

What car names really mean ...
  • SAAB – Still ain’t a Beemer
  • AMC – All makes combined
  • MGB – Might go backwards
  • BMW - Bought my wife
  • VOLVO – Very odd looking vehicular object
  • ACURA – Asia’s curse upon Rural America
  • PINTO – Put in nickel to operate
  • TRIUMPH – This really is unreliable please help
  • HYUNDAI – Helps you understand nothings drivable and inexpensive
  • PONTIAC – Poor Old Newfie thinks it’s a Cadillac (Newfie is a Canadian Slang for Newfoundler – like Pollack)
  • FIAT – Fix it again Tony

Submitted by Archie, London Ontario Canada

Return to: Top of Page, List of Humorous Sayings, My Little Sister's Jokes,

  • You can't just sit there and wait for people to give you that golden dream. You've got to get out there and make it happen for yourself. Diana Ross
  • If you want to gather honey, don't kick over the beehive, Dale Carnegie
  • Champions know that success is inevitable, that there is no such thing as failure, only feedback. They know that the best way to forecast the future is to create it. Michael J Gelb
  • Never let your failures go to your heart or your successes go to your head. Anon
  • The biggest mistake is to believe that you're working for someone else. Nashua Cavalier
  • You are your own yardstick. You may never be the champion, but if you measure up to your best you are the best. Anon
  • The universe is full of magical things patiently waiting for out wits to grow sharper. Eden Philpotts
  • Accomplishment is easiest when we work the hardest, and hardest when we work the easiest. Anon
  • Whenever we do what we can we can immediately do more. James Freeman Clarke
  • There are very few things we can achieve without someone's help. Anon
  • Success is never ending, failure is never final. Dr. Robert Schuller
  • One of the secrets of success is to refuse to let temporary setbacks defeat us. Mary Kay
  • A wise man, when asked how he had learnt so much about everything, replied, "By never being afraid to ask questions about anything of which I was ignorant." John Abbott
  • Like a ten-speed bike, most of us have gears we do not use. Charles Schultz
  • He that is good at making excuses is seldom good at anything else. Benjamin Franklin
Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia

Return to: Top of Page, List of Inspirational Stories, My Little Sister's Jokes,

Murphy's Laws of Work
  • No one gets sick on Wednesdays.
  • When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
  • The longer the title, the less important the job.
  • Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.
  • An "acceptable" level of employment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
  • Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.
  • All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one's own.
  • Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

Return to: Top of Page, List of Jokes about Work, My Little Sister's Jokes,

This Dog is NOT Going to Heaven - Download Video

Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.

Return to: Top of Page, List of Audio/Videos, My Little Sister's Jokes,

Baby Dos and Don'ts


Submitted by Jay, Long Island, NY

Return to: Top of Page, List of Photos, My Little Sister's Jokes,

March 12th Humor Page