Humor Selections for June 20th, 2008

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Two police officers saw an old woman staggering down the street...

... stopping her they can tell she has had far too much to drink and instead of taking her to jail they decide to just drive her home. They loaded her into the police cruiser one of the officers gets in the back with the drunk woman.

As they drove through the streets they kept asking the old woman where she lived, all the old lady would say as she stroked the officers arm is, "You're Passionate."

They drove awhile longer and asked again, but again the same response as she stroked his arm, "You're Passionate."

The officers were getting a little upset so they stopped the car and said to the woman, "Look we have driven around this city for two hours and you still haven't told us where you live!"

She replied, "I keep trying to tell you, you're passin it!"

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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Proverbial Truths...
  • Lightning never strikes the same place twice. True. The second time the place just aint the same anymore.
  • It's an ill wind that blows no one some good. True. It blows a doctor, he can charge for fixing it.
  • There's no fool like an old fool. True. They've practiced all their life.
  • There's many a slip 'tween the cup and the lip. True. They're called breathalyzers.
  • When one door closes another door opens. True. In China.
  • An apple a day keeps the doctor away. True. If they're very green, he's away all day.
  • Don't count your chickens till they've hatched. True. Then find out what they've hatched.
  • Necessity is the mother of invention. True. And it's father's called Gripe.
  • Never look a gift horse in the mouth. True. It might have halitosis.
  • A stitch in time saves nine. True. For anything else, buy a new one.
  • You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. True. Especially if it's into philosophy.
  • You cannot judge a person by the company they keep. True. Anything else is good.
Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia

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True Floridians Know...
  • Socks are only for bowling.
  • You never use an umbrella because you know the rain will be over in five minutes.
  • A good parking place has nothing to do with distance from the store, but everything to do with shade.
  • Your winter coat is made of denim.
  • You can tell the difference between fire ant bites and mosquito bites.
  • You're younger than thirty but some of your friends are over 65.
  • Anything under 70 is chilly.
  • You've driven through Yeehaw Junction.
  • You could swim before you could read.
  • You have to drive north to get to The South.
  • You know that no other grocery store can compare to Publix.
  • Every other house in your neighborhood had blue roofs in 2004-2005.
  • You've gotten out of school early on Halloween to trick or treat before it got dark
  • You know that anything under a Category 3 just isn't worth waking up for.
  • You dread love bug season.
  • You are on a first name basis with the Hurricane list. They aren't Hurricane Charley, Hurricane Frances...but Charley, Frances, Ivan and Jeanne.
  • You know what a snowbird is and when they'll leave.
  • You think a six-foot alligator is actually pretty average.
  • You were 12 before you ever saw snow, or you still haven't.
  • Down South' means Key West
  • You think New York drivers licenses should only be valid in New York .
  • Flip-flops are everyday wear.
  • Shoes are for business meetings and church, but you HAVE worn flip flops to church before.
  • Sweet tea can be served at any meal.
  • An alligator once walked through your neighborhood.
  • You smirk when a game show's 'Grand Prize' is a trip or cruise to Florida
  • You measure distance in minutes.
  • You have a drawer full of bathing suits, and one sweatshirt.
  • You get annoyed at the tourists who feed seagulls.
  • A mountain is any hill 100 feet above sea level.
  • You think everyone from a bigger city has a northern accent.
  • You know the four seasons really are: hurricane season, love bug season, tourist season and summer
  • It's not soda, cola, or pop, it's coke, regardless of brand or flavor: 'What kinda coke you want?'
  • Anything under 95 is just warm.
  • You've hosted a hurricane party.
  • You go to a theme park for an afternoon, and know when to get on the best rides.
  • ( Space Mountain during the Electric Light Parade!)
  • You understand the futility of exterminating cockroaches.
  • You can pronounce Okeechobee, Kissimmee, Ichnatucknee and Withlacoochee
  • You understand why it's better to have a friend with a boat than to own a boat yourself.
  • Bumper stickers on the pickup in front of you include: various fish, NRA, NASCAR, Go Gators, and a confederate flag.
  • You were five before you realized they made houses without pools.
  • You were 25 when you first met someone who couldn't swim.
  • You've worn shorts and used the A/C on Christmas.
  • You recognize Miami-Dade as ' Northern Cuba '.
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Recent Quips from late night

"It looks like Hillary Clinton will concede... And, again, I don't think President Bush is familiar with this term. Like he said today, 'How could she concede? She's 60. That's too old to have kids.'" --Jay Leno

"Al Gore for a while was vice president, and he had the book and the film, 'Inconvenient Truth,' which was about climate change. Well, they're turning that 'Inconvenient Truth' into an opera. Al Gore and opera - are you kidding? Cut me a slice of that! Let's go! But they had some trouble and they have postponed the opening of that opera. Apparently, the composer is having trouble finding a rhyme for low emission hybrid." --David Letterman

"An article in USA Today reports that Barack Obama and John McCain have two very different visions of the world. That's what it said. Yeah. Biggest difference is that John McCain's vision makes it impossible for him to drive at night. He's got to go slowly." --Conan O'Brien

"Word is that Hillary will endorse Obama tomorrow around noon. ... Now we'll see if Obama asks her to be vice president or not. ... Meanwhile, some more high-profile support for Obama today. Music legend Bob Dylan, who is maybe the most respected person in all of music, he told the Times of London today that he supports Barack Obama. Or at least they think that's what he said, he may have been trying to book a flight to Omaha." --Jimmy Kimmel

"There's a lot of pressure on Barack Obama to put Hillary on the ticket. Even his advisers are telling him that Hillary can deliver the woman vote. And, of course, Bill can deliver the other woman vote. So between the two of them, that's, you know, that's a lot of women." --Jay Leno

"Well, remember Senator Larry Craig, everybody remember Senator Larry Craig? He's ... written his memoir. Yup. And guess what, he's having a book signing at the Barnes & Noble men's room. So get there" --David Letterman

"A high school in Ohio passed out over 300 diplomas last week. And on the diploma, the word 'education' was spelled wrong. Yeah. Officials say the misprint should not harm the reputation of George W. Bush high school." --Conan O'Brien

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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I wish I had said that ...

"I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people." - Ed Bluestone

"Have you ever noticed Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a moron." - George Carlin

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is." - Ellen DeGeneris

"Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents." - Billiam Coronel

"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets." - Dave Edison

"Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window." - Steve Bluestone

"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry." - Rita Rudner

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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Achievement ...Almost as good as a Bud Commercial - Download Video

Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, Fl.

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Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.

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June 16th Humor Page