Humor Selections for June 2nd, 2008

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This is a list of answers from test papers submitted to science teachers...

... by elementary, junior high, high school, and college students: It is truly astonishing what weird science our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades. The spellings are the original ones.

  • H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.
  • To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
  • When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
  • Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is water and gin.
  • A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
  • Liter: A nest of young puppies.
  • Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
  • Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.
  • Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.
  • Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.
  • The pistol of the flower is its only protection against insects.
  • A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
  • To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
  • For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower that the heart until the heart stops.
  • For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.
  • Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
  • The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
  • Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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Most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees ...

as described by Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest corporations

  • An applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle.
  • An applicant wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time.
  • An applicant fell and broke his arm during the interview.
  •  A candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and French fries in the interviewer's office.
  • An applicant explained that her long-term goal was to replace the interviewer.
  • A candidate said he had never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico.
  •  A balding candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a hairpiece.
  • An applicant said that if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.
  • An applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions.
  •  A candidate brought a large dog to interview.
  • An applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed while standing up.
  • -One candidate dozed off during interview.

... their most unusual questions that have been asked by job candidates.

  • "What is it that you people do at this company?"
  • "What is the company motto?"
  • "Why aren't you in a more interesting business?"
  • "What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?"
  • "Why do you want references?"
  • "Do I have to dress for the next interview?"
  • "I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?"
  • "Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?"
  • "Will the company pay to relocate my horse?"
  • "Does your health insurance cover pets?"
  • "Would it be a problem if I'm angry most of the time?"
  • "Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?"
  • "Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?" "Why am I here?"
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia.

The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you."

"I know," said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone."

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, PA.

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How To Tell That your retail giant is going out of business:
  • Drinking fountains don't work.
  • Flea market in the parking lot.
  • They plowed the snow against the front door.
  • Church holding prayer services in the lobby on Sunday mornings.
  • Instead of lowering prices, employees ask "make me an offer".
  • Pharmacy tries to transfer your files to the drug store it tried to replace ten years ago.
  • Suddenly selling Christmas ornaments in May.
  • No toilet paper or towels in the bathrooms.
  • tore manager speaks no English-instead a Serbian/Armenian dialect.
  • Half-off shirt sale means the sleeves are missing.
  • Instead of cleaning the spill, they block off the aisle.
  • They don't take checks, or credit cards, only vouchers from Pay  Day loan stores.
  • Sale flyers in the store are four weeks old.
  • Restaurant only serves crackers and milk.
  • All of the items in the electronics departments have been "factory reconditioned"
  • Security guard at the door hand stamps you in and out.
  • Punks spray graffiti on your car while you shop.
  • "Blue Light special" is replaced by "Red Light special".
  • Store owner's Mercedes is parked in a repair bay.
  • Only one cash register works. The waiting line is 200 feet long.
Submitted by Bruce, Carol Stream, Illinois

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A wise old farmer went to town to buy a pickup truck that he saw advertised for a certain price.

After telling the salesman which truck he wanted, they sat down to do the paperwork. The salesman handed the farmer the bill, and the farmer declared, "This isn't the price I saw!"

The salesman went on to tell the wise old farmer how he was getting extras such as power brakes, power windows, special tires etc. and that was what took the price up. The farmer need the truck badly, He paid the price and went home.

A few months later, the salesman called up the farmer and said, "My son is in 4-H and he needs a cow for a project. Do you have any for sale?"

The farmer said, "Yes, I have a few cows, and I would sell for $500.00 apiece. Come look at them and take your pick."

The salesman said he and his son would be right out. After spending a few hours in the field checking out all the farmer's cows, the two decided on one and the salesman proceeded to write out a check for $500.00.

The farmer said--------"Now, wait a minute, that's not the final price of the cow. You're getting extras with it and you have to pay for that too."

"What extras?" asked the salesman.

Below is the list the farmer gave the salesman for the final price of the cow ...

  • Basic Cow - $500.00
  • Two tone exterior - $45.00
  • Extra stomach - $75.00
  • Product storing equipment - $60.00
  • Straw compartment - $120.00
  • 4 Spigots @ - $10 ea - $40.00
  • Leather upholstery .- $125.00
  • Dual horns - $45.00
  • Automatic fly swatter - $38.00
  • Fertilizer attachment - $185.00

Grand Total - $1,233.00

Submitted by Debbie, Proud Wife of Paul, Middletown, Md.

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A collection of men's thoughts on their wives ....
  • "My wife has an uncanny way of standing between me and the television screen. Bases loaded, two strikes, three balls. The crowd goes wild, the pitch flies, and all I can see is her butt." --Howard, Dodge City, Kan.
  • "My wife was furious when I got up early once and made her breakfast. Called me controlling. How dare I decide that My Wife would eat breakfast, let alone what she'd have?" --Ted, Wexford, Pa.
  • "What's mine is hers. I buy her negligees; My Wife sleeps in my T- shirts. When My Wife's cold My Wife wears my wool socks to bed, never her own. My Wife steals my half-used razors; new ones are too sharp. My Wife even wears my boxers. I'm tempted to switch to briefs just to see what she'd do." --Dave, Martha's Vineyard, Mass.
  • "You can hear her eat soup from the next room." --Bruce, Bridgewater, N.J.
  • "My wife thinks everyone should be a vegetarian. During meals, My Wife asks people how they can eat dead cows, or if they know that their pork chops used to be smarter than their dogs." --Miles, Shreveport, La.
  • "Every so often boom! My wife’s a brunette. Or I come home to a redhead. Actually, I have no idea what her natural color is." --Cary, Seattle
  • "My wife will brush her teeth but she won't go to the dentist. She says she's not afraid of the pain; she just doesn't want to put herself in the hands of any fellow who'd choose to be a dentist. " --Terence, Gary, Ind.
  • "My wife’s stopped shaving her legs. My Wife says that now people will know she's a natural blonde." --Ned, Tucson, Ariz.
  • "My wife takes her half of the bed out of the middle." -Robin, Gladwyne, Pa.
  • "Have you ever seen a woman with green crust and slime smeared over her face, dark holes for her nostrils? Do you think you'd be able to sleep at night, knowing that creature is next to you?" --Arthur, Cedar City, Utah
  • "My wife’s allergic to everything. Her nose is chronically stuffed. If I kissed her on the mouth, she'd suffocate." --Bryan, Toledo, Ohio
  • "My wife wears these false eyelashes. She left 'em lying around and I slammed 'em with my newspaper, tried to kill the damn things. Scared me half to death." --Gordon, Oklahoma City, Okla.
  • "My Wife takes those soaps too seriously. I'll come home and find her in tears because some character died. Or upset that some nonexistent guy's having a fictional affair." --Archie, St. Louis
  • "My Wife will not shop at discount stores or sales. My Wife thinks they're crowded and plebeian. My Wife doesn't even look at the reduced rack, other than, perhaps, for gifts for my mother." --Conrad, Wilmington, Del.
  • "It annoys her that our children look like me." --James, New Orleans
  • "With five kids, I don't have time to complain about . don't have time to notice her." --Bob, Charleston, W.Va.

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Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia.

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May 30th Humor Page