Humor Selections for June 16th, 2008

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An Irish priest is transferred to Texas...

It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish.  He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.  He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.

The conversation went like this:

'Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?'

'And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's.

There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn.  Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?'

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, 'Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!'

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Father O'Malley then replied: 'Aye, tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.'

Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed.

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Things a male must remember over the course of his life
  • 3-10 years: Make sure the lid is UP
  • 11-12: Never put your underpants on backwards
  • 13-15: Always examine the razor for signs of other use
  • 16-18: The top of the street directory is always north.
  • 19-22 Smile at the other person in your life, even if they are totally, disastrously wrong. Then shut up.
  • 23-50 Maintain an up-to-date list of your partner's friends, workmates, contacts, Always carry it with you. Cross check every new acquaintance. Your life may depend of telling them the right story.
  • 50+: Always let your hard won wisdom shine forth. Take no crap from anyone.

Submitted by my good friend Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia!

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Five Good Riddles... The Answers Are at the Bottom of the page ....
  1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?
  2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?
  3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away ?
  4. you name three consecutive days without using the words Wednesday, Friday, or Sunday?
  5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious as to just how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so ordinary and plain that you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is highly unusual though. Study it and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching!


Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.

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A doctor says to his patient, "I have bad news and worse news."

"Oh dear, what's the bad news?" asks the patient.

The doctor replies, "You only have 24 hours to live."

"That's terrible", said the patient. "How can the news possibly be worse?"

The doctor replies, "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car...

... and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. 'What does it look like?' she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it.'

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.

'Here it is,' she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, 'Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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Great Power Point slideshow of lighting - Download Slideshow

Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.

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Answers to All Five the Riddles...
  1. The third room. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead. That one was easy, right?
  2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry (shot; held under water; and hung).
  3. Charcoal, as it is used in barbecuing.
  4. Sure you can name three consecutive days, yesterday, today, and tomorrow!
  5. The letter e, which is the most common letter used in the English language, does not appear even once in the paragraph.

How did you do?


Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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