Humor Selections for Jan 2nd, 2008

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A blond woman sat in her stalled car, waiting for help.

Finally, two men walked up to her.

"I'm out of gas," she purred. "Could you push me to the gas station?"

The men readily put their muscles to the car and rolled it several blocks.

After awhile, one looked up, exhausted, to see that they had just passed a gas station.

"We just passed a station! How come you didn't turn in?" he yelled.

"Oh, I never go there," the girl shouted back. "They don't have full service."


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A hunter and his friend were sitting in a tree stand early one cold December morning.

Suddenly, a huge buck walked out to the corn they had spread in the shrub. The buck was magnificent -- a once in a lifetime animal. His rack was huge. The hunter's hand shook as he was already counting the Boone and Crockett points. Moving quietly but quickly, the hunter carefully aimed his .30-30 Winchester at the unsuspecting buck..

As he was about to squeeze the trigger on his deer of a lifetime, his friend whispered that a funeral procession was passing slowly down the highway. The hunter pulled away from the stock, set the rifle down, took off his hat, bowed his head and closed his eyes in prayer.

His friend was stunned. 'Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I've ever seen you do. You let a trophy deer get away to pay your respects to a passing funeral procession. You are indeed the most sensitive man I have ever known, and I'm proud to call you my friend.'

The hunter shrugged. 'Well, we were married for 37 years.

Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.

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A banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town.

Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a "mail order" bride.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true. Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be. Tom proudly said,

"She'll be twenty-one in November."

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man.

Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again.

"How's the new wife?", asked the banker.

Tom proudly said, "Good - she's pregnant."

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?"

Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant too."

Don't ever underestimate old Geezers.

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A couple of old guys were golfing one day...

..., when one of the men said that he was going to go to Dr. Basil for a new set of dentures in the morning. His elderly friend remarked that he, too, had gone to the very same dentist two years before.

"Is that so?" the first old gentleman asked. "Did he do a good job?"

The second gent replied, "Well, I was on the golf course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot. The ball must have been going at least 200 mph when it smacked me right in the testicles."

The first old guy was confused and asked, "What does that have to do with your dentures?"

The second man answered, "That was the first time in two years that my teeth didn't hurt."

Also submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.

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A minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made.

The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes.

The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes.

But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes.

When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way: 'The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my new dentures were still hurting me a lot. The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures... and I couldn't shut up.'

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Need we say anything else ...

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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Dec 31st Humor Page