Humor Selections for Jan 14th, 2008

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Rules for dog owners (suggested by their dogs)
  • I will not bathe my dog after he bathes himself in the mud puddle.
  • I will not push my dog away when she wants a hug after playing in a mud puddle.
  • I will not complain "My arm is tired" after only throwing the ball 20 times.
  • I will not confuse my dog by throwing snowballs for him to fetch.
  • I will not ask my dog to play fetch with a boomerang.
  • I will not drag my dog away from the interesting sniffing spots.
  • I will drop whatever I'm doing and take my dog out as soon as he asks me to.
  • I will not tell my dog to hurry up already when he's looking for just the right spot to take care of business.
  • I will not stare while my dog is doing his business.
  • I will not feed the cat before I feed my dog.
  • I will get rid of that cat.
  • I will not bring home any more cats.
  • I will never eat until my dog has tasted what I have and approved it for me.
  • I will share everything I eat with my dog.
  • I will set up the kiddie pool every day it's hot - even in December.
  • I will not leave my dog at home any time I go in the car.
  • I will allow my dog on the couch.
  • I will protect my dog from that obnoxious little human thing at all times.
  • I will not have another of those obnoxious little human things.
  • I will not hide my dog's ball in a place where I know he couldn't possibly retrieve it from and then ask him to go get it.
  • I will not take shredded, soggy, yummy tennis balls away from my dog.
  • I will not sneak around the backyard wearing funny clothes to test whether my dog is a good watchdog.
  • I will stop referring to my dog's necklace as her "collar."
  • I will not cut my dog's nails.
  • I will not abandon my dog for trivial reasons like "going to work".
  • I will not wake my dog when I come home from work.
  • I will not come home from work and feel the sofa to see if it is still warm from where my dog was sleeping "illegally".
  • Bad weather is no excuse for not walking my dog.
  • I will open the back door as soon as my dog sits by it.
  • I will not laugh at my dog for being confused over not being able to find the lump of ice that he buried earlier.
  • I will not run out of treats.
  • I will always carry cookies and treats.
  • I will not make my dog wear silly-looking antlers or red hats.
  • I will not make my dog pose for pictures with some fat stranger in a red suit.
  • I will not tie leftover ribbons and bows all over my dog.
  • I will not use decorations like tinsel that could be dangerous to my dog.
  • I will try much harder to understand my dog's language.
Submitted by Dory, Pittsburgh, Pa.

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Out to dinner, a man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant...

..., and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table.

The wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

Submitted by Bill, Gettysburg, Pa.

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One winter morning during breakfast a husband and his blond wife were listening to the radio.

They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."

So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.

You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today.

You must park..." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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Why Ronald Reagan made such a great president ...
  • 'Here's my strategy on the Cold War: We win, they lose.'
  • 'The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.'
  • 'The trouble with our liberal friends is not that they're ignorant; it's
  • just that they know so much that isn't so.'
  • 'Of the four wars in my lifetime, none came about because the U.S. was too strong.'
  • 'I have wondered at times about what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress.'
  • 'The taxpayer: That's someone who works for the federal government but doesn't have to take the civil service examination.'
  • 'Government is like a baby: An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.'
  • 'The nearest thing to eternal life we will ever see on this earth is a government program.'
  • 'It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first.'
  • 'Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.'
  • 'Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed, there are many rewards; if you disgrace yourself, you can always write a book.'
  • 'No arsenal, or no weapon in the arsenals of the world, is as formidable
  • as the will and moral courage of free men and women.'
  • 'If we ever forget that we're one nation under God, then we will be a nation gone under.'
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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Bakery Employee: "How can I help you?"

Customer: "I would like to order a cake for a going away party this week."

Bakery Employee: "What do you want on the cake?"

Customer: "Best Wishes Suzanne" and underneath that "We will miss you".

This is what the customer got ...

Proof, once again, that "You just can't cure stupid!"

Submitted by Paul, Oklahoma City, OK

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Jan 11th Humor Page