Humor Selections for Feb 18th, 2008

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Learn something new today...
  • More than half of the coastline of the entire United States is in Alaska.
  • The Amazon rainforest produces more than 20% the world's oxygen supply. The Amazon River pushes so much water into the Atlantic Ocean that, more than one hundred miles at sea off the mouth of the river, one can dip fresh water out of the ocean. The volume of water in the Amazon river is greater than the next eight largest rivers in the world combined and three times the flow of all rivers in the United States.
  • Antarctica is the only land on our planet that is not owned by any country. Ninety percent of the world's ice covers Antarctica. This ice also represents seventy percent of all the fresh water in the world. As strange as it sounds, however, Antarctica is essentially a desert. The average yearly total precipitation is about two inches. Although covered with ice (all but 0.4 % of it, i.e.), Antarctica is the driest place on the planet, with an absolute humidity lower than the Gobi desert.
  • Brazil got its name from the nut, not the other way around.
  • Canada has more lakes than the rest of the world combined. Canada is an Indian word meaning "Big Village."
  • Next to Warsaw, Chicago has the largest Polish population in the world.
  • Woodward Avenue in Detroit, Michigan, carries the designation M-1, named so because it was the first paved road anywhere.
  • Damascus, Syria, was flourishing a couple of thousand years before Rome was founded in 753 BC, making it the oldest continuously inhabited city in existence.
  • Istanbul, Turkey, is the only city in the world located on two continents.
  • Los Angeles's full name is El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula --and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size: L.A.
  • The term "The Big Apple" was coined by touring jazz musicians of the
  • 1930's who used the slang expression "apple" for any town or city. Therefore, to play New York City is to play the big time - The Big Apple.
  • There are more Irish in New York City than in Dublin, Ireland; more Italians in New York City than in Rome, Italy; and more Jews in New York City than in Tel Aviv, Israel.
  • There are no natural lakes in the state of Ohio, every one is manmade.
  • The smallest island with country status is Pitcairn in Polynesia, at just 1.75 sq. miles/4,53 sq. km.
  • The first city to reach a population of 1 million people was Rome, Italy in 133 B.C.
  • There is a city called Rome on every continent.
  • Siberia contains more than 25% of the world's forests.
  • The actual smallest sovereign entity in the world is the Sovereign Military Order of Malta (S.M.O.M.). It is located in the city of Rome, Italy, has an area of two tennis courts, and as of 2001 has a population of 80, 20 less people than the Vatican. It is a sovereign entity under international law, just as the Vatican is.
  • Desert In the Sahara Desert, there is a town named Tidikelt, which did not receive a drop of rain for ten years. Technically though, the driest place on Earth is in the valleys of the Antarctic near Ross Island.
  • There has been no rainfall there for two million years.
  • Spain literally means 'the land of rabbits.' Huh?
  • St. Paul , Minnesota, was originally called Pig's Eye after a man named Pierre "Pig's Eye" Parrant who set up the first business there.
  • Chances that a road is unpaved in the U.S.A.: 1%, in Canada: 75%
  • The deepest hole ever made in the world is in Texas. It is as deep as 20 empire state buildings but only 3 inches wide.
  • The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one-mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.
  • The water of Angel Falls (the World's highest) in Venezuela drops 3,212 feet (979 meters). They are 15 times higher than Niagara Falls.
Submitted by former Emmitsburg mayor Ed.

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A dentist ran out of anesthetic just before the last extraction for the day was scheduled.

He gave the nurse a very large needle, instructing her to jab it hard into the patient's butt when the signal was given, so it would take his attention away from the tooth extraction.

It all happened in an instant.

The nurse, patient, and pliers were in place. The signal was given, and the nurse bayoneted the patient with the needle just as the dentist yanked the tooth.

Afterwards, the dentist asked, "Hurt much?"

The patient hesitated, "Didn't hardly feel it come out. And, man, those roots were really deep!"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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New Rules for Pilots over Age Sixty

The recent change that allows airline pilots to continue flying past age 60 has generated some interesting discussion.

The following rules for 'older' pilots were recently proposed at several major airlines:

  1. All pants must fit and not be up in your armpits.
  2. You must walk without shuffling your feet.
  3. No Depends on the flight deck.
  4. When using a toothpick, you must leave your teeth in your mouth.
  5. If you need more than tri-focals, you are DONE! (period!)
  6. No pictures of great-great-grandchildren.
  7. Anytime you call the other guy "Sonny", he can hit you.
  8. Never, ever mention AARP.
  9. When in a restaurant with your crew, don't request the senior discount.
  10. When checking into the overnight hotel, don't ask if the exercise room has shuffleboard.

Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.

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At a marriage seminar held by the local Catholic church...

..., the Priest, after congratulating Luigi on his upcoming 50th wedding anniversary, asked him to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Luigi replied to the audience "Well, I've-a tried to treat-a her well, spend-a the money on her, but-a, da best-a is-a dat I took her to Italy for the 20th-a anniversary!"

The Priest immediately commented, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell the audience what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary..."

Luigi proudly replied, "I'm-a gonna go and-a get her."

Also submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.

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More actual newspaper headlines...
  • March Planned For Next August
  • L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal by Landslide
  • Patient at Death's Door - Doctors Pull Him Through
  • Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped
  • Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
  • Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
  • Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
  • Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
  • Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
  • President Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
  • Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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Parent of the Year Awards...

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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Feb 15th Humor Page