Why fathers are such great babysitters
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my older brother. I was maybe 1-? years old and had just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken among
Someone had given me a little tea set as a get-well gift and it was one of my new favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening
news and my brother was playing nearby when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea' which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my mom came home. Dad had her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of
tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'
My mom waited and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for daddy and she watches him drink it up and then says, "Did it ever occur
to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet?"
Submitted by Bob, Rockville, MD.
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Stories, My Little
assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment...
the historic Wailing Wall. Everyday when she looks out,
she sees an old bearded Jewish man praying vigorously. Certain
he would be a good interview subject, the journalist goes down
to the Wall and introduces herself to the old man.
She asks, "You come every
day to the Wall, sir, how l long have you been doing that and
what are you praying for?"
The old man replies, "I
have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In the morning I
pray for world peace and for the brotherhood of man. I go home,
have a cup of tea, and I come back and pray for the eradication
of illness and disease from the earth. And very, very important,
I pray for peace and understanding between the Israelis and
The journalist is very
impressed. "How does it make you feel to come here every
day for 25 years and pray for these wonderful things?" she
The old man replies calmly,
"Like I'm talking to a wall.
Submitted by Larry,
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rules to live one's life to . . .
- Never give yourself a
haircut after three margaritas.
- You need only two tools.
WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use
WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
- The five most essential
words for a healthy, vital relationship "I
apologize" and "You are right."
- Everyone seems normal until
you get to know them.
- When you make a mistake,
make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's
- The only really good advice
that your mother ever gave you was, "Go! You might meet
- If he/she says that you are
too good for him/her--believe them.
- Learn to pick your battles;
ask yourself, 'Will this matter one year from now? How about
one month? One week? One day?'
- Never pass up an opportunity
- If you woke up breathing,
congratulations! You have another chance!
- Living well really is the
best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former
relationship just might mean that the other person was right
- Work is good, but it's not
- And finally... Be really
nice to your friends and family. You never know when you are
going to need them to empty your bedpan.
Submitted by Penny,
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The very best
... err worst, of one line groaners
- Wear short sleeves! Support
your right to bare arms!
- A good pun is its own
- Energizer Bunny arrested -
charged with battery.
- If life gives you llamas,
- Despite rumors to the
contrary, a mime is actually a very satisfying thing to
- A man's home is his castle,
in a manor of speaking.
- A pessimist's blood type is
- My wife really likes to make
pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.
- Dijon vu - the same mustard
- Practice safe eating -
always use condiments.
- Did Noah keep his bees in
- I fired my masseuse today.
She just rubbed me the wrong way.
- A Freudian slip is when you
say one thing but mean your mother.
- I used to work in a blanket
factory, but it folded.
- I used to be a lumberjack,
but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
- If electricity comes from
electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?
- A hangover is the wrath of
- Corduroy pillows are making
- Is a book on voyeurism a
- Dancing cheek-to-cheek is
really a form of floor play.
- Adolescence - when a lad
forsakes his bosom buddy for a bosomed buddy.
- Banning the bra was a big
- Sea captains don't like crew
- A successful diet is the
triumph of mind over platter.
- Two banks with different
rates have a conflict of interest.
- Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.
- A gossip is someone with a
great sense of rumor.
- She criticized my apartment,
so I knocked her flat.
- Without geometry, life is
- Dreaming in color is no big
deal. It's just a pigment of your imagination.
- Condoms should be used on
every conceivable occasion.
- Reading whilst sunbathing
makes you well-red.
- When two egotists meet, it's
an I for an I.
Submitted by Dave, Bolder,
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A woman and her
husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist.
"I want a tooth pulled, and
I don't want any pain killers because I'm in a big hurry,"
the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as
possible, and we'll be on our way."
The dentist was quite impressed.
"You're certainly a courageous woman," he said.
"Which tooth is it?"
The woman turned to her husband
and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."
Submitted by Bryan,
Idaho Falls, Id.
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Jokes About Marriage, My Little
you'll never hear a dad say...
- Well, how 'bout that? I'm
lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.
- You know Pumpkin, now that
you're thirteen, you'll be ready for car dates. Won't that
- I noticed that all your
friends have a certain hostile attitude. I like that.
- Here's a credit card and the
keys to my car. GO CRAZY!
- What do you mean you wanna
play football? Figure skating's not good enough for you,
- Your Mother and I are going
away for the weekend. You might want to consider throwing a
- Well, I don't know what's
wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey
thingies--ya know--that makes it run or something. Just have
it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
- No son of mine is going to
live under this roof without an earring. Now quit your
belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.
- Whaddya wanna go and get a
job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend. Here's
- What do I want for
Father's day? Aahh -- don't worry about that. It's no big
deal. (Okay, he might say it, but he doesn't mean it!)
Submitted by Marion,
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Things a Cat
- My human will never let me
eat her pet hamster, and I am at peace with that.
- I will not puff my entire
body to twice its size for no reason after my human has
finished watching a horror movie.
- I will not slurp fish food
from the surface of the aquarium.
- I must not help myself to
Q-tips, and I must certainly not proceed to stuff them down
the sink's drain.
- I will not eat large numbers
of assorted bugs, then come home and puke them up so the
humans can see that I'm getting plenty of roughage.
- I will not lean way over to
drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt right for the
box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get the
stuff out of my fur.)
- I will not stand on the
bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at NOTHING
after my human has finished watching The X-Files.
- I will not fish out my
human's partial plate from the glass so that the dog can
"wear" it and pretend to be my human. (It is
somewhat unnerving to wake up, roll over in bed, and see the
dog grinning at you with your own teeth.)
- I will not use the bathtub
to store live mice for late-night snacks.
- I will not drag dirty socks
up from the basement in the middle of the night, deposit
them on the bed and yell at the top of my lungs so that my
human can admire my "kill."
- I will not perch on my
human's chest in the middle of the night and stare into her
eyes until she wakes up.
- We will not play Herd of
Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the
Serengeti over any humans' bed while they're trying to
- Screaming at the can of food
will not make it open itself.
- I cannot leap through closed
windows to catch birds outside. If I forget this and bonk my
head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt,
I will not get up and do the same thing again.
- I will not assume the patio
door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.
- I will not back up off the
front porch and fall into the bushes just as my human is
explaining to his girlfriend how graceful I am.
- I will not complain that my
bottom is wet and that I am thirsty after sitting in my
- I will not intrude on my
human's candle-lit bubble bath and singe my bottom.
- I will not stick my paw into
any container to see if there is something in it. If I do, I
will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave me to
get the rubber cement out of my fur.
- If I bite the cactus, it
will bite back.
- It is not a good idea to try
to lap up the powdered creamer before it dissolves in
- When I am chasing my tail
and catch my back leg instead, I will not bite down on my
foot. This hurts, and my scream scares my human.
- When it rains, it will be
raining on all sides of the house. It is not necessary to
check every door.
- Birds do not come from the
bird feeder. I will not knock it down and try to open it up
to get the birds out.
- I will not stuff my rather
large self into the rather small bird feeder (with my tail
hanging out one side) and expect the birds to just fly in.
- I will not teach the parrot
to meow in a loud and raucous manner.
- The dog can see me coming
when I stalk her. She can see me and will move out of the
way when I pounce, letting me smash into floors and walls.
That does not mean I should take it as a personal insult
when my humans sit there and laugh.
- Yes, there are still two
very large dogs in the backyard. There have been for several
years. I don't have to act as if I've just discovered the
Demon Horror of the Universe each time one of them appears
in my window.
- I will not play "dead
cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring in
groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will
really come true.
- When the humans play darts,
I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them.
- I will not swat my human's
head repeatedly when she's on the family room floor trying
to do sit ups.
- When my human is typing at
the computer, her forearms are *not* a hammock.
- Computer and TV screens do
not exist to backlight my lovely tail.
- I am a walking static
generator. My human doesn't need my help installing a new
board in her computer.
- I will not bring the city
police to the front door by stepping on the speaker phone
button and then the automatic 911 dial button.
- I will not speed dial the
- I will not walk on the
keyboard when my human is writing important emiognaioerp
ga3qi4 taija3tgv aa35 a.
- Any critter that lives in
the house (hamsters), stay in the house and any wild
critters (frogs and earthworms) stay outside. I am not
allowed to set the hamster free in exchange for finding a
frog to put in the fish tank.
- I will not stalk the deer in
the apple orchard next door. They have sharp hooves and
could hurt me if they weren't laughing so hard.
- I will not watch the guinea
pig constantly as the guinea pig likes to sleep once in a
- The goldfish likes living in
water and should be allowed to remain in its bowl.
- I will not put a live mole
in my food bowl and expect it to stay there until I get
- I will not eat spider plants
and hallucinate behind the toilet.
- I will not drag the magnets
(and the papers they are holding up) off of the refrigerator
and then bat them underneath it so that they adhere to the
- I will learn to relax at the
vet's office so they will start writing things in my records
like "Good Kitty" and "Sweet Kitty"
instead of the stuff that's there now like
"MEAN!!" "BITER!!!" and "GET
- I will not be miffed at my
human all day and then kiss her on the nose at 2:00 a.m. to
tell her that she is forgiven and can now pet me.
- I will not scratch the
children of lawyers, no matter how much they chase me or how
hard they pull my tail.
- If I MUST claw my human, I
will not do it in such a fashion that the scars resemble a
botched suicide attempt.
- If I must give a present to
my human's overnight guests, my toy mouse is much more
socially acceptable than a big live cockroach, even if it
isn't as tasty.
- I will not soak my catnip
toy in the water bowl to make tea. I will not get high and
sit there drinking my tea and kneading the floor afterwards.
I will not then get delusions of grandeur and make tea in
the toilet bowl or the tub. And I will not try to make tea
with used socks, dirty panties or hair scrunches when my
humans take the catnip toy away from me.
- A warm pepperoni pizza is
not a good place for a nap.
Submitted by my Little
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|Russian Candid Camera - Download Video
Bill, Ardmore, PA.
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Why you should never swallow your chewing gum
Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia.
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