Humor Selections for Feb 1st, 2008

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A minister decided to do something a little different one sunday morning.

He said 'today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach.

Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind.'

The pastor shouted out 'cross.'

Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, 'the old rugged cross.'

The pastor hollered out 'grace.' the congregation began to sing 'amazing grace, how sweet the sound.'

The pastor said 'power.' the congregation sang 'there is power in the blood.'

The pastor said 'sex' the congregation fell into total silence.

Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.

Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church,

A little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing 'precious memories.'

Gotta love little old ladies.

Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.

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You Know You're Growing Older When
  • Everything hurts , and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work anyway.
  • The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
  • You feel like you really hung one the night before, and you were in bed asleep by eight.
  • You get winded playing chess.
  • Your children begin to look middle-aged.
  • You join a health club and don't go.
  • You begin to outlive enthusiasm.
  • Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet.
  • You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.
  • You look forward to a dull evening.
  • Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 years ago today!"
  • You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
  • Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
  • You're 17 around the neck and 42 around the waist.
  • You stop looking forward to your next birthday.
  • Dialing long distance wears you out.
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Things you will never hear a southerner say:
  • Checkmate.
  • I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
  • Duct tape won't fix that.
  • Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
  • Come to think of it, I`ll have a Heineken.
  • We don't keep firearms in this house.
  • "I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex"
  • You can't feed that to the dog.
  • I thought Graceland was tacky.
  • No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.
  • Wrasslin's fake.
  • Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
  • We're vegetarians.
  • Do you think my hair is too big?
  • I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
  • Honey, these bonsai trees need watering?
  • Who's Richard Petty?
  • Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
  • Deer heads detract from the decor.
  • Spitting is such a nasty habit.
  • Trim the fat off that steak.
  • Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
  • The tires on that truck are too big.
  • I`ll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
  • I've got it all on a floppy disk.
  • Unsweetened tea tastes better.
  • Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
  • Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
  • My fiancee, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
  • Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
  • I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
  • Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
  • She's too old to be wearing that bikini.
  • Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
  • Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
  • I don't have a favorite college team.
  • Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
  • I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
  • Elvis who???
Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, FL

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A 5th grader asked her mother the age-old question, 'How did I get here?'

Her mother told her, 'God sent you.'

'Did God send you, too?' asked the child

'Yes, Dear,' the mother replied.

'What about Grandma and Grandpa?' the child persisted.

'He sent them also,' the mother said.

'Did he send their parents, too?' asked the child.

'Yes, Dear, He did,' said the mother patiently.

'So you're telling me that there has been NO sex in this family for 200 years?

No wonder everyone's so damn grouchy around here.'

Also submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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The best sawed in half trick I have ever seen - Download Video

Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor, Ed

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My wife always wanted a riding lawn mower.

She works all day and was always tired when she came home from work and thought that a riding lawn mower would help her get the yard work done quicker so she would have more time for the chores inside the house.
SO, being the handy sort of guy that I am, I made her a riding lawn mower. I guess I thought she would squeal with delight or something and give me a big hug. To this day I have never been able to understand why some women are so hard to please.


Submitted by Paul, Oklahoma City, OK

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