Humor Selections for Dec 31st, 2008

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With only slight modifications - I make the same New Year’s Eve resolutions every year...

Although they get a little more cynical each year ...

Resolution #1:

  • 1999: I will read at least 20 good books a year.
  • 2000: I will read at least 10 books a year.
  • 2001: I will read 5 books a year.
  • 2002: I will finish The Pelican Brief
  • 2003: I will read some articles in the newspaper this year.
  • 2004: I will read at least one article this year.
  • 2005: I will try and finish the comics section this year.
  • 2006: I will scan the headlines on the front page this year.
  • 2007: I will bring the newspaper in from the lawn this year.
  • 2008: I will subscribe to a newspaper this year.
  • 2009: I will make a note to myself to subscribe to a newspaper this year.

Resolution #2:

  • 1999: I will get my weight down below 180.
  • 2000: I will watch my calories until I get below 190.
  • 2001: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200.
  • 2002: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
  • 2003: I will work out 5 days a week.
  • 2004: I will work out 3 days a week.
  • 2005: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.
  • 2006: I will buy clothes that fit, but without too much room to grow.
  • 2007: I will finish the chocolate.
  • 2008: I will walk to the store to buy chocolate.
  • 2009: I will walk to the phone to order chocolates.

Resolution #3:

  • 1999: I will not spend my money frivolously.
  • 2000: I will pay off my bank loan promptly.
  • 2001: I will pay off my bank loans promptly.
  • 2002: I will begin making a strong effort to be out of debt by 1999.
  • 2003: I will be totally out of debt by 2000.
  • 2004: I will try to pay off the debt interest by 2001.
  • 2005: I will try to be out of the country by 2006.
  • 2006: I will create a new investment vehicle called Collateralized Debt Obligations and sell them to banks.
  • 2007: I will change their name to Deritivites and sell them to investment funds
  • 2008: I will mass market Directives to the general public as a sure way to make millions.
  • 2009: I will try to be out of the country by 2016

Resolution #4:

  • 2002: I will try to be a better husband to Marge.
  • 2003: I will not leave Marge.
  • 2004: I will try for a reconciliation with Marge.
  • 2005: I will try to be a better husband to Wanda.
  • 2006: I will not leave Wanda.
  • 2007: I will try for a reconciliation with Wanda.
  • 2008: I will live a life of solitude.
  • 2009: I will take Bambi and her blond friend Barbie to that topless paradise they keep talking about.

Resolution #5:

  • 2002: I will stop looking at other women.
  • 2003: I will not get involved with Wanda.
  • 2004: I will not let Wanda pressure me into another marriage.
  • 2006: I will stop looking at other women.
  • 2007: I will not get involved with another women.
  • 2008: I will stop going to the playboy mansion.
  • 2009: I will renew my subscription to playboy.

Resolution #6:

  • 2002: I will not let my boss push me around.
  • 2003: I will not let my sadistic boss drive me to the point of suicide.
  • 2004: I will stick up for my rights when my boss bullies me.
  • 2005: I will tell Dr. Hodger and the group about my boss.
  • 2006: I will tell the group about my boss and Dr. Hodger.
  • 2007: I will tell Mrs. Hodger about her husband and my boss.
  • 2008: I will take Bambi Hodger to her husband's funeral.
  • 2009: I will get Bambi to sign over the company to me Charlie's wife Barbie.

Resolution #7:

  • 2002: I will not get upset when Charlie makes jokes about my baldness.
  • 2003: I will not get annoyed when Charlie kids me about my toupee.
  • 2004: I will not get angry when Charle tells the guys I wear a girdle.
  • 2005: I will not speak to Charlie.
  • 2006: I will put Nair into Charlie's shampoo and blame it on the boss.
  • 2007: I will post photos of Charile bald on the internet.
  • 2008: I will take Charlie's wife Barbie to his funeral.
  • 2009: I will make Charlie's wife Barbie my secretary upon our retune form Jamaica.

Resolution #8:

  • 2002: I will not take a drink before 5:00 p.m.
  • 2003: I will not touch the bottle before noon.
  • 2004: I will not become a "problem drinker".
  • 2005: I will not miss any AA meetings.
  • 2006: I will post notes on my Gin bottle to remind me of my meetings
  • 2007: I will leave a message at the bar to remind me of AA meetings.
  • 2008: I will make a note to make a note to call the bar.
  • 2009: I will ask Barbie to call Bambi to make sure she remembers to stir my drink not shake it.

Resolution #9:

  • 2002: I will see my dentist this year.
  • 2003: I will have my cavities filled this year.
  • 2004: I will have my root canal work done this year.
  • 2005: I will get rid of my denture breath this year.
  • 2006: I will find the money to get tooth implants this year.
  • 2007: I will pay the dentist with Derivatives for Babbi's dental work.
  • 2008: I will pay the dentist with Derivatives for all the bunnies at the playboy mansion.
  • 2009:  I will remember to drop a few coins in the dentist hat next time I see him on the corner.

Resolution #10:

  • 2002: I will go to church every Sunday.
  • 2003: I will go to church as often as possible.
  • 2004: I will set aside time each day for prayer and meditation.
  • 2005: I will try to catch the late night sermonette on TV.
  • 2006: I will start my own church.
  • 2007: I will sell stock in the church to my parishioners.
  • 2008: I will parishioner's cash with Derivatives in the church.
  • 2009: I will send each parishioner a post card of Bambi & Barbie on the beach in Jamaca.

Submitted by Dory, Pittsburg, Pa.

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New Year Resolutions You Won't Be Able to Keep If You're a Nerd
  • I resolve... I resolve to... I resolve to, uh... I resolve to, uh, get my, er... I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!
  • I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning... 4:30 is much more practical.
  • When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!"
  • I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.
  • I will try to figure out why I *really* need 9 e-mail addresses.
  • I will stop sending e-mail to my roommate.
  • I will not buy magazines with AOL disks bound in just to get another 1.44MB disk.
  • I resolve to work with neglected children... my own.
  • I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm I answer e-mail.
  • When I subscribe to a newsgroup or mailing list, I will read all the mail I get from it.
  • I will stop using, "So, what's your URL?" as a pickup line.
  • No more downloads from alt.binaries.*
  • I resolve to back up my new 400 GB hard drive daily... well, once a week... monthly, perhaps...
  • I will spend less than five hour a day on the Internet.
  • I will limit my top ten lists to ten items.
  • I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it.

Also submitted by Dory, Pittsburg, Pa.

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New Year's Resolutions for Horses
  • I will NOT roll in streams or try to roll when my human is on my back.
  • I will NOT leap over large nonexistent obstacles when the whim strikes.
  • I will NOT walk faster on the way home than I did on the way out.
  • I promise NOT to swish my tail while my human is cleaning my back feet.
  • I promise also NOT to choose that particular time to answer nature's call.
  • I will NOT bite my farrier's butt just because it is there.
  • I will NOT confuse my human's blond hair for really soft hay.
  • I will NOT wipe green slime down the back of my human's white shirt.
  • I will NOT blow my nose on my human.
  • I CAN walk and potty at the same time. I can, I can, I can.
  • I will NOT stop and potty every time I pass the same spot in the arena.
  • I will NOT leave when my rider falls off.
  • My stall is NOT my litter box. When I have free access to my paddock, I will NOT go back inside to potty.
  • I will NOT try to mooch goodies off every human within a 1 mile radius.
  • I will NOT lay totally flat out in my stall with my eyes glazed over and my legs straight out and pretend I can't hear my human frantically screaming "Are you asleep?"
  • I will NOT chase the ponies into the electric fence to see if it is on.
  • I will promise NEVER to dump the wheelbarrow of manure over while a human is mucking my stall.
  • I will NOT grab my lead rope in my mouth and attempt to lead myself.
  • I will NOT have an attitude problem. I won't, I won't, I won't!
  • I will NOT pull my new shoes off the very next day just to prove that I can.
  • I am neither a beaver nor a carpenter. I promise I won't eat or remodel the barn or the new fences.
  • I WILL forgive my human for the very bad haircut, even though I look like a freak.
  • I accept that not every carrot is for me.
  • I will NOT do the Arab Teleport Trick when a bad/naughty/awful Horsasaurus Monster breathes at me.
  • I will NOT jump in the air and turn 180 degrees every time I see a bicycle.
  • I will understand that bicycles are NOT carnivorous.
  • I will NOT shy at familiar objects just for fun.
  • I will NOT bite the butt of the horse in front of me during the trail ride just to say "Hi".
  • I WILL put my ears forward and cooperate when it comes to photos.

Submitted by Natalie, Mt. Airy, Md.

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New Year's Resolutions you can actually keep!

Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year and yet you never keep them? Here are some resolutions that you can actually accomplish! Enjoy! :-)

  • Read less.
  • Put on at least 30 pounds.
  • Stop exercising. Waste of time.
  • Watch more TV.
  • New Years Resolutions
  • Procrastinate more.
  • Drink. Drink some more.
  • Start being superstitious.
  • Spend more time at work.
  • Stop bringing lunch from home: Eat out more.

and last but not least...

  • Take up a new habit!

Also submitted by Dory, Pittsburg, Pa.

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Recipe for a Happy, Healthy, Positive, and Productive 2009
  • Throw out nonessential numbers; this list includes age, weight and height.
  • Keep only cheerful friends; the grouches pull you down. If you really need a grouch, there are probably family members who fill that need.
  • Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Just never let the brain idle.
  • Enjoy the simple things.... When the children are young, that is all that you can afford. When they are in college, that is all that you can afford. When they are grown, and you are on retirement, that is all that you can afford!
  • Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. Laugh so much that you can be tracked in the store by your distinctive laughter.
  • The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with you your entire life is you.
  • Surround yourself with what you love, whether it is family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
  • Cherish your health. If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
  • Don't take guilt trips. Go to the mall, take a trip to visit friend, the next county, a foreign country, but not guilt.
  • Tell the people you love, that you love them, at every opportunity.

Remember - Life isn't measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

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Late last week, I was rushing around trying to get some last minute shopping done.

I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the Christmas season right then. It was dark, cold, and wet in the parking lot as I was loading my car up with gifts that I felt obligated to buy. I noticed that I was missing a receipt that I might need later. So mumbling under my breath, I retraced my steps to the mall entrance. As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a quiet sobbing. The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 12 years old. He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged flannel shirt to protect him from the cold night's chill.

Oddly enough, he was holding a hundred dollar bill in his hand. Thinking that he had gotten lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong. He told me his sad story. He said that he came from a large family. He had three brothers and four sisters. His father had died when he was nine years old. His mother was poorly educated and worked two full time jobs. She made very little to support her large family.

Nevertheless, she had managed to skimp and save two hundred dollars to buy her children Christmas presents. The young boy had been dropped off, by his mother, on the way to her second job. He was to use the money to buy presents for all his siblings and save just enough to take the bus home. He had not even entered the mall, when an older boy grabbed one of the hundred dollar bills and disappeared into the night.

"Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked. The boy said, "I did."

"And nobody came to help you?" I wondered.

The boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head. "How loud did you scream?" I inquired.

The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, "Help me!"

I realized that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry for help. So I grabbed his other hundred a and ran to my car.

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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New Years Wishes ...

May you get a clean bill of health from your dentist, your cardiologist, your gastro-enterologist, your urologist, your proctologist, your podiatrist, your psychiatrist, your plumber and the I.R.S.

May your hair, your teeth, your face-lift, your abs and your stocks not fall; and may your blood pressure, your triglycerides, your cholesterol, your white blood count and your mortgage interest not rise.

May New Year's Eve find you seated around the table, together with your beloved family and cherished friends. May you find the food better, the environment quieter, the cost much cheaper, and the pleasure much more fulfilling than anything else you might ordinarily do that night.

May what you see in the mirror delight you, and what others see in you delight them. May someone love you enough to forgive your faults, be blind to your blemishes, and tell the world about your virtues.

May the telemarketers wait to make their sales calls until you finish dinner, may the commercials on TV not be louder than the program you have been watching, and may your check book and your budget balance - and include generous amounts for charity.

May you remember to say "I love you" at least once a day to your spouse, your child, your parent, your siblings; but not to your secretary, your nurse, your masseuse, your hairdresser or your tennis instructor.

And may we live in a world at peace and with the awareness of God's love in every sunset, every flower's unfolding petals, every baby's smile, every lover's kiss, and every wonderful, astonishing, miraculous beat of our heart.

Submitted by Emmitsburg's former Mayor Ed

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Are you someone who typically gives or receives lottery tickets during the Christmas holidays? 

Perhaps some additional thought is required.  Download Audio ...

Submitted by Tim, Toledo, Ohio

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What happens when you have ... nothing to do; a sharp knife; a large lime; a patient cat; too much tequila, and, it's football season?

Submitted by Jamie, Frederick, Md.

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Dec 29th Humor Page