Humor Selections for August 29th, 2008

     My Little Sister's Jokes > Recent Addition List

New jokes posted on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.
Happily maintained  by the Community of Emmitsburg, MD.

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A fellow was getting ready to tee off by himself on the first hole...

... when a tall, stately, gray haired gentleman approached and asked if he could join him.

The first man said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first two holes. The tall, stately gentleman said, 'We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?'

The first fellow said he was a pretty good player, and that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms, thinking we're pretty even so far, so why not?

The stately gentleman played 'straight & true' golf the rest of the round and won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.

As they were walking off the 18th green, and while counting his $80, the tall, stately golfer confessed that he was the teaching pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.

The first fellow revealed that he was the parish priest. The pro got all flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.

The priest said, 'You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings.'

The pro said, 'Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?'

The priest said, 'Well, you could come to mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them.'

Submitted by Aunt Pat, Smith Mountain Lake, Va.

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A young man finds the woman of his dreams and asks her to marry him.

He tells his mother he wants her to meet his fiancé, but he wants to make a bit of a game out of it. He says he'll bring the girl over with two other women and see if his mother can guess which is the one he wants to marry. His mother agrees to the game.

That night, he shows up at his mother's house with three beautiful young ladies. They all sit down on the couch, and everyone has a wonderful evening talking and getting to know each other.

At the end of the evening, the young man asks his mother, 'OK, Mom, which one is the woman I want to marry?'

Without any hesitation at all, his mother replies, 'The one in the middle.'

The young man is astounded. 'How in the world did you figure it out?'

'Easy,' she says. 'I don't like her.'

Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.

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Why You Would Want To Run A Gas Station
  • You can talk foreign so that nobody knows how much you charge for those cigarettes.
  • You can raise prices every hour and everyone blames the oil companies.
  • You sell the same cookies as the big stores for the same price, but there is only one-third as many inside.
  • You can sell obsolete lottery tickets but it's okay--they lose anyway.
  • For a joke, you can mix a little kerosene in with the Ethyl.
  • You always have the oldest dated milk in the cooler, and its the last one left, so they have to take it.
  • No matter what the question is from a customer, you cannot understand it.
  • You manager is always out of the office when there is to be a complaint--he's in Bombay.
  • You enjoy raising the prices on the pumps when these signs outside show the old prices.
  • You make sure that the receipts on the machines don't work so they have to come inside to get one and buy other items.

Submitted by Bruce, Carol Stream, Illinois

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Thoughts From a Wandering Mind
  • I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
  • I had amnesia once -- or twice.
  • I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?
  • Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
  • All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
  • If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride side saddle.
  • What is a 'free' gift? Aren't all gifts free?
  • Someone told me I was gullible and I believed them.
  • Teach a child to be polite and courteous and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
  • Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
  • One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
  • My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
  • I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
  • The high cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
  • How can there be self-help 'groups'?
  • If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
  • Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
  • Is it just me--or do buffalo wings really taste like chicken?
Submitted by John, Emmitsburg, Md.

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Do you need a new message on your answering machine?

If so, here are some suggestions for you to consider ...

  • Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages.
  • My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity at the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and home phone number and they will get back to you.
  • This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number, and your reason for calling.... and I'll think about returning your call.
  • Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
  • Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have LO TS of money.
  • A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.
  • Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner.
  • Hi. Now YOU say something.
  • Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

Submitted by Donna, Emmitsburg, PA.

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High school Band Mishaps! - Download Video

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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August 27th Humor Page