What men say and
what they actually mean . . .
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD
MY MEMORY IS." Means: "I remember the theme song to
'F-Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and
the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever
owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I WAS JUST THINKING
ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES". Means: "The
girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST
CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL." Means: "I have
actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I
admit that I'm hurt."
"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS
FOR WHAT I'M DOING." Means: "And I sure hope I think
of some pretty soon."
"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm
"WHAT DID I DO THIS
TIME?" Means: "What did you catch me at?"
"I HEARD YOU."
Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said,
and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so
that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER
LOVE ANYONE ELSE." Means: "I am used to the way you
yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW
EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE." Means: "No one will ever see
us alive again."
"WE SHARE THE
HOUSEWORK." Means: "I make the messes, she cleans
- "I'M GOING
FISHING" Means: "I'm going to drink myself
dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my
hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
- "IT'S A GUY THING"
Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected
with it, and you have no chance at all of making it
- "CAN I HELP WITH
DINNER?" Means: "Why isn't it already on the
table?" "UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR
- "YES, DEAR..."
Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
- "IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG
TO EXPLAIN" Means: "I have no idea how it
- "I WAS LISTENING TO
YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND." Means:
"I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing
- "TAKE A BREAK HONEY,
YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD". Means: "I can't hear the
game over the vacuum cleaner."
- "THAT'S INTERESTING,
DEAR." Means: "Are you still talking?"
Submitted by John,
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You might be a
teacher if ...
- You believe the staff room
should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.
- You find humor in other
- You want to slap the next
person who says, "Must be nice to work from 8 to 3 and
have your summers free!"
- You believe chocolate is a
- You can tell it's a full
moon without ever looking outside.
- You believe "shallow
gene pool" should have its own box on the report card.
- You believe that unspeakable
evil will befall you if anyone says, "Boy, the kids
sure are mellow today."
- When out in public you feel
the urge to talk to strange children and correct their
- You have no time for a life
from August to June.
- Marking all A's on report
cards would make your life SO much simpler.
- When you mention
"vegetables" you're not talking about a food
- You think people should be
required to get a government permit before being allowed to
- You wonder how some parents
ever MANAGED to reproduce.
- You laugh uncontrollably
when people refer to the staff room as the
- You believe in aerial
spraying of Prozac.
- You encourage an obnoxious
parent to check into charter schools or home schooling.
- You believe no one should be
permitted to reproduce without having taught in an
elementary setting for at least 5 years.
- You've ever had your
profession slammed by someone who would never DREAM of doing
- You can't have children
because there's no name you could give a child that wouldn't
bring on high blood pressure the moment you heard it
- You think caffeine should be
available to staff in IV form.
- You know you're in for a
MAJOR project when a parent says, " I have a great idea
I'd like to discuss. I think it would be such fun!
- You smile weakly, but want
to choke a person when he/she says, "Oh, you must have
such FUN every day. It must be like playtime for you."
- Your personal life comes to
a screeching halt at report card time.
- Meeting a child's parents
instantly answers the question, "Why is this kid like
Submitted by Wink, The
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about work, My
Little Sister's Jokes,
A city slicker was driving
through the country when he spotted a horse standing in a
He was quite
taken with the animal and so pulled over to ask the farmer if it
was for sale.
"Afraid not," said
"I'll give you a thousand
bucks!" said the city fella.
"I can't sell you that
horse. He don't look too good," replied the farmer.
"I know horses and he
looks fine. I'll give you two thousand!"
"Well, all right, if you
want him so bad."
The next day, the man returned
the horse, screaming that he had been gypped.
"You sold me a blind
"Well," said the
farmer, "I told you he didn't look too good."
Submitted by Patty,
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How Many Riders
Does it Take to Change a Light Bulb?
ENDURANCE RIDER: Light bulb? Do
you mind, I'm trying to get my horse's pulse / respiration /
hydration levels to respectable levels. Once that is done, I
have another 50 miles to go before I can even think about
changing a light bulb. Um, any chance that the light bulb could
assist me in my conditioning regimen.....
DRESSAGE QUEEN: Me! Change a
light bulb? Are you joking? I couldn't possibly be expected to
subject myself to such a menial task. Change it yourself. Oh,
and wash your hands when you are finished. The very thought!
CLASSICAL DRESSAGE QUEEN: These
things can not be rushed, but must be approached slowly, with
great patience, and adherence to the principles laid down by the
classical masters, otherwise the light bulb will not attain its
true potential, but will forever just be a shadow of its true
self. Never, ever, use any type of gadget when changing the
light bulb. That is an offense to the principles of classical
light bulb changing.
EVENTER: Hmm, as soon as my arm
is out of this sling broken after falling off at that large
stone wall (whilst riding Hell For Leather cross country) I'll
change it. Until then, deal with the dark. It will put hair on
your chest. Only prissy Dressage Queens require lights, anyway.
SHOW JUMPER: Why on Earth would
I need to change a light bulb when the whole world knows that
the sun shines out of my ass. Why, when I release over a jump,
the spectators are practically blinded.
NATURAL HORSEMAN You must
instill respect in the light bulb, so that it sees you as the
Alpha light bulb, using "light bulb dynamics" (video
available at $99.00 on my Website). Once you have done this, you
will find that there is really no need to change the light bulb
at all, but that the light bulb will, with very little coaxing
from you (using patented "light bulb coaxer" designed
by me - $99.00 each, for extra $49.99 you get video thrown in)
will behave as all good light bulbs should.
Submitted by Penny, Herdon,
|A husband is advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself.
"You don't have to let your wife henpeck you. Go home and show her
you're the boss."
The husband takes the doctor's advice.
He rushes home, slams the door, shakes his fist in his wife's face, and growls, "From now on, you're taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get
it on the table, go upstairs, and lay out my best clothes. Tonight, I'm going out with the boys, and you are going to stay at home where you belong ... And another thing, guess who's going to
comb my hair, give me a shave, and tie my necktie?"
His wife says calmly, " The undertaker."
Submitted by Bo, Emmitsburg, Md.
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