Humor Selections for August 20th, 2008

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While shopping two nuns happened to pass by the beer store...

One asked the other if she would like a beer. The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it. The first nun replied that she would handle that without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier had a surprised look, so the nun said, 'This is for washing our hair.'

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer. 'The curlers are on me.'

Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.

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You Know That You Better Retire When:
  • You thought that cottage cheese didn't come in a milk carton, but you ate it anyway.
  • You can't find your toupee, so you went to work without it. You found it later when your dog brought it to you.
  • You think that Barbara Walters is some sexy chick.
  • You are upset to find out that they don't make needles for your phonograph any longer.
  • Your grandchildren come over for a visit. You remember all of their names, but cannot recall their parents'.
  • You don't bother to go outside and fetch the newspaper, because you cannot read it anyway.
  • You cannot taste anything without a couple shakes of Tabasco sauce on it.
  • The trinkets that you originally put on your shelf used to be called "keepsakes". Your kids now call them "nick-nacks".
  • You used to be happy with five channels on your television. Now cable has 304, and you cannot find the remote to change off of the Cartoon channel your grandkids put it on last month.
  • When you complain, nobody takes you seriously any longer.

Submitted by Bruce, Carol Stream, Illinois

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Reasons To Like Beer by 7 Year Olds

A handful of 7 year old children were asked, 'what they thought of beer.' Some interesting responses, but the last one is especially touching.

  • Tim- 'I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets.'
  • Melanie - 'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want On television when he is asleep, so beer is nice.
  • Grady - 'My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny.'
  • Toby - 'My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and The more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.'
  • Sarah - 'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.
  • Lilly - 'My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.'
  • Ethan - 'I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.'
  • Shirley - 'I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.'
Submitted by Jay, Long Island, NY

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Recent Quips form Late Night

"Well, according to a new study, coffee can improve your memory, that's what they say, drinking coffee improves your memory. Which is good news for both Barack Obama and John McCain. If we can get them to have some coffee before their first debate, maybe they can remember what their original positions were." --Jay Leno

"President Bush, this is interesting, was going to make history, he becomes the first sitting U.S. president to attend the Olympics in a foreign country. He said he's been looking forward to it, ever since he heard that in China, people are not allowed to make fun of political leaders" --Jimmy Kimmel

"While after vigorously denying reports of his extramarital affair, and calling the story ridiculous, untrue and tabloid trash, John Edwards today admitted he had an affair. And the National Enquirer was the only publication writing about it, the National Enquirer was the first to break it, turns out it was true. You know what this means? Elvis is alive! Bigfoot is real! Aliens are here! It's all true!" --Jay Leno

"President Bush arrived in Beijing earlier today. And before stepping out of the plane, he tested the air with a canary. But they got together, the Chinese, and threw a big state dinner for President Bush in his honor. They served Peking lame duck. And President Bush, he doesn?t know what he?s doing over there. He turned to the president of China, and he said, 'General Tso, I love your chicken.'" --David Letterman

"Well, Democrats are furious, they're going on record now saying John Edwards will not be allowed to speak at the convention because of this affair. Yeah, instead speaking in his place: Bill Clinton. You have to put your foot down." --Jay Leno

"In Beijing people are still concerned about the air quality. Earlier this week -- this is a true story -- a member of the International Olympic Committee said that the smog in Beijing isn?t pollution; it?s mist. Then, he said, 'Just make sure not to get any mist in your eyes or lungs.'" --Conan O'Brien

"And that Paris Hilton ad about John McCain has gotten over five million hits on the web. Five million, isn't that amazing? More people have seen the ad than have seen John McCain " --Jay Leno

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A family of skunks was trapped in a thicket...

..., surrounded by a pack of hungry wolves that were edging even closer.

The Mother skunk calmly instructed her young: "Quickly children, let's put our heads together!"

After they obeyed, forming a circle, she continued, "Now-Let us spray!"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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I Have to Pass a Urine Test for My Job... So I Agree 100%.

Like a lot of folks in this state, I have a job. I work, they pay me. I pay my taxes and the government distributes my taxes as it sees fit. In order to get that pay check, I am required to pass a random urine test with which I have no problem. What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don't have to pass a urine test.

Shouldn't one have to pass a urine test to get a welfare check because I have to pass one to earn it for them? Understand, I have no problem with helping people get back on their feet. I do, on the other hand, have a problem with helping someone sitting on their butt, doing drugs, while I work. . . Can you imagine how much money the state would save if people had to pass a urine test to get a public assistance check?

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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Doggy Lullaby - Download Video

Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed!

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Best Moocher Signs






Submitted by Julie, Middleburg, Va.

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August 18th Humor Page