Humor Selections for August 15th, 2008

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When the graveside service had no more than terminated...

... There was a tremendous  burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt and more rumbling  thunder.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said,  'Well,  she's there.'

Submitted by My Little Sister Anna

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My Aunt passed away this past January.

Her bank billed her for February and March for their monthly service charge on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, but had now grown to somewhere around $60.00.

I placed the following phone call to the bank:

Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."

Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections..."

Bank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."

Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

Bank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau...maybe both!"

Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

Bank:" Do I think God... excuse me, what did you say?"

Me: "Do you understand what I was telling you... specifically the part about her being... dead?"

Bank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!"

(Supervisor gets on the phone)

Me: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

Bank: ".....(stammer)" .... "Are you her lawyer?"

Me: "No, I'm her great nephew, but feel free to contact her lawyer at: XXX"

Bank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Me: "Sure."

( Later, After they have gotten the fax. )

Bank: "Our system just isn't set up to handle this..."

Me: "Oh..."

Bank: "I don't know what more I can do to help..."

Me: "Well... if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her... I suppose...don't really think she will care...."

Bank: "Well...the late fees and charges do still apply."

Me: "Would you like her new billing address?"

Bank: "That might help."

Me: "Fredrickson Memorial Cemetery, Hwy 19 and plot number 233."

Bank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Me: "Yes sir, that's what we do with our departed loved ones."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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More from the Irish Medical Dictionary
  • Canula (n): Enquiry about Doctor's singing ability
  • Incontinent (v): To be in France or Germany
  • Emergency Room (n) : Where things come out.
  • Stethescope (n): Like a telescope, but for listening to small sounds.
  • Fracture (n): A branch of mathematics
  • Corn (v): Left. Not here.
  • Fistula (n): An Irish salute
  • Intern (adv): Queuing
  • Morgue (adv): Faster acceleration
  • Heparin (adv):The operation can start (note: heps are Irish anaesthetics)
  • Triage (adj): More than two years old.
  • Blood type (n): Family member
  • Blister (n) Term of invective (Note: a contraction of bl….(S)ister)
  • Injection (v): Abrupt comment
  • Longitudinal study (adv): Reading in bed
  • Rash (v): Hurry
  • Abscess (n): In charge of a nunnery
  • Nurses station (n): Where they go to catch the train
  • Doctor's Lounge (comment): but not when they're operating
  • Lungs (adv): Distance or time estimate. (As in 'how lungs it?')
  • Communicable disease (n): Condition that tells you what it is before you see it.
  • Kidney (excl): Disbelief. (As in 'you're kidney')
  • Registrar (n): Voice range (note: often used in conjuntion with canula (qv))
  • Varicose (adv): Not far
  • Tinnitus (n): Sixpack
  • Infirmary (n): Privatised medicine
Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia

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Recent Quips form Late Night

"Yesterday, President Bush announced there are going to be some big changes in intelligence in the White House. Yeah, he's leaving." --Jay Leno

"Yesterday, Bill Clinton was giving a speech, he told a group of supporters that his wife Hillary is the person he most wants to spend time with. Yeah, apparently Clinton likes to start every speech with a joke, sort of loosen things up a little bit, get people happy, relaxed." --Conan O'Brien

"But I think the U.S. is going to do well, particularly in swimming, I think we have a very strong swimming time this year for the Olympics, yeah, that's right. Dick Cheney in particular looks great in the freestyle waterboarding." --David Letterman

"Well listen, Barack Obama accused Republicans of trying to make others fear him, because, and I quote, he 'doesn't look like the other presidents on the dollar bill.' So the choice is, do you want to elect a guy who doesn't look like the president on the dollar bill, or do you want to elect a guy who looks older than the president on the dollar bill?" --Jay Leno

"John McCain's daughter announced she's writing a children's book based on her father's life. I think that's very nice, yeah. The children's book is called 'James and the Giant Prostate.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Yeah that's the big talk, they say Barack Obama could decide to go with another woman. See that's what killed John Edwards' chances of being VP, he decided to go with another woman." --Jay Leno

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Simple Questions, Complicated Answers
  • Why is abbreviated such a long word?
  • Why does monosyllabic have five syllables?
  • Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
  • Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
  • Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
  • Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
  • Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
  • Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
  • Why do they call it a building? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a built?
  • Why is it when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
  • If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
  • If price and worth mean the same thing, why priceless and worthless are opposites?
  • Is there another word for synonym?
  • Is it possible to be totally partial?
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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Politicians Can Be Fun - Download Video

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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See what happens if you sleep around...

It's ALWAYS the kids that suffer!!  His Name is Zonkey!!!!!!!

Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed!

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August 13th Humor Page